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Columbiana * About as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad cocaine

08/27/2011 Leave a comment

Colombiana *

Watching Zoe Saldana do her best Angelina Jolie impersonation in Colombiana was about as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad Colombian cocaine. Whatever happened to the 10 foot tall blue warrior goddess everybody fell in love with in Avatar? Zoe has lost all the charm that made billions of people pay $15 bucks to see her in 3D as Neytiri. As with most movies released this decade, if you want to watch the best scenes, simply watch the trailer below.

Why didn’t writer Luc Besson direct this film himself? That small adjustment would have improved this film ten fold. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, Besson directed two of the best action films from the 90’s with Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita and also directed the remarkably inferior The Fifth Element. Instead we get French director Olivier Megaton who we think may have been the basis for the Transformers villain. That would explain a lot.

Colombiana tries too hard to be Angelina Jolie’s Wanted that even the posters are nearly identical. I’m assuming the creators of this film basically watched Wanted numerous times and decided they were going to change the name and nationality of the heroine and bingo, we get Colombiana. 

The one thing we did enjoy while watching Colombiana was the re-teaming of Jordi Molla and Cliff Curtis who both played Colombian drug lords in Blow with Johnny Depp a decade ago. Unless TV and Movies have lied to me, Colombia is nothing more than drug lords and assassins. I won’t be taking a summer vacation there any time soon.

As far as plot goes, Saldana plays Cataleya Restrepo a Colombian who grows up to be a ruthless vigilante assassin after watching her parents execution in Bogota as a child and grows up planning revenge against the mobsters responsible.

Sounds like a South American Batman with breasts doesn’t it?

Re-watch Wanted instead. You’ll have a much better time. Or better yet watch Batman Begins again.

Zoe you could have done so much better. I’m burning my copy of Avatar as I write this.

Columbiana *  (2011)

107 Minutes 

Action, Drama

Directed by Megatron 

Zoe Saldana, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Molla