#13 Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) **
This film introduces us to a character named Mr. Yunioshi. An old crusty Japanese man (Mickey Rooney) living in the upstairs apartment above our heroine Audrey Hepburn. There aren’t words to describe just how ridiculously stereotypical this character acts in this film. You have to watch and see for yourself.
#12 Birth of a Nation (1915) **
Here is a film that glamorize the Ku Klux Klan as a heroic force of warriors who are out to rid the world of all the African-Americans (played by white actors in black face) who are portrayed as comically violent buffoons who are simply out to rape all the local white women. The Monkey first leaned about this film in film school and was utterly mortified. Watch in horror for yourself.
#11 The Love Guru (2008) *
If it wasn’t for the Shrek series Mike Myers would be pumping gas at an Exxon back in Canada after the abomination that was The Love Guru.
#10 Gremlins (1984) ***
#9 Falling Down (1993) **
Falling Down is every disenfranchised and recently laid off middle-aged losers wet dream.
#8 Driving Miss Daisy (1989) *
Here we have a crusty old southern woman who drives around all day with her happy-go-lucky illiterate slave, I mean Chauffeur, actually named Hoke.
#7 Hitch (2004) *
So if you are an overweight socially inept white guy with absolutely no dating skills, what do you do? Well according to Hitch you need to find yourself a smooth talking “date doctor” whose going to teach you how to dance and give you all the skills you need to get your shit together.
#6 Dangerous Minds (1995) **
Dangerous Minds offers the simple idea that if you are a underprivliged minority teen attending high school in a gang war zone, your only salvation out of this hell hole is the new tough talking teacher who will set you free from your oppressive parents and get you on the path to higher education.
#5 Transformers Revenge of the Fallen (2009) *
Words can’t describe this monstrosity.
This is Tom Cruise at the height of his shameless self-indulgence. Cruise is the Samurai’s only hope against the evil federalist war and nevertheless becomes The Last Samurai. Kurosawa must be rolling in his grave.
#3 Bulworth (1998) ***
This satire served as the public mental breakdown for Writer/Director/Star Warren Beatty. After this disaster Beatty basically disappeared off the face of the earth.
#2 The Passion of the Christ (2004) *
According to Fuehrer Mel Gibson, Jesus was tortured and eventually executed by a pack of evil, snarling Jews displaying every anti-Semitic stereotype ever seen on film for two brutal hours of screen time in this snuff film.
The Number 1 Most Racist Movie of All time…
#1 American History X (1999) ***
This movie invented a brand new catch phrase among neo-nazi’s. In this film, our “hero” Edward Norton discovers two thugs stealing his car and decides to teach them a lesson. What does he do? He tells one of them to “put your mouth on the curb” and proceeds to stomp the kid in the back of the head. Terrible.
Top 5 Revealing reasons why Michael Bay still has a job. The decline of Western Civilization as we know it.
There are unseen forces looming around us that are responsible for some of life’s many unanswered questions. Why do bad things happen to good people? How could George W. Bush ever have been re-elected? What exactly is the appeal of the idiotic Twilight series? Most importantly how could Michael Bay still have a job?
Many more questions like these are never going to be fully explained but the Movie Monkey will try to decipher why such a soulless director such as Michael Bay could still possibly be working in Hollywood making some of the most horrendous films of all time. After watching the moronic Transformers: Dark of the Moon, it has become an utter mystery why Michael Bay continues to be allowed to make movies. The fact that the movie has generated over $300 million just in the US, shows that the average American intellect has hit an all time low. The decline of western civilization is upon us and the snowball effect is in full force. The only logical thing to do is try to explain it scientifically.
Here is a list of the Top 5 Revealing reasons why Michael Bay still has a job.
#5 Societies intellect is on a sharp decline.
Our society can basically be broken up into two types of people. The 97% of average beer guzzling, Jerry Springer watching, Jersey Shore obsessed, unemployed fundamentalist morons who continue to reproduce at an alarming rate. Then there are the 3% of intelligent, self-aware, educated citizens who mockingly laugh at the banality of the common folk. The fact that you are reading this report right now and browsing my website proves without a shadow of a doubt that you my friend are part of the 3%. Congratulations to you and keep up the smart work. Unfortunately for us, there are millions of brain-dead moronic citizens (mostly males 13-34) that get titillated at the thought of huge shiny robots fighting incessantly and rescuing a heavily Botoxed supermodel who can not act along with a pencil neck geek who also can not act.
#4 His films have shiny metal objects and scantily clad women.
This is just an extension of number five. Along with the majority of society having the mental capacity of a lobotomy patient, they also suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. While watching a movie as unintelligible as Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon, or Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen or even the mind less Pearl Harbor, as soon as the audience begins to suspect that what they are watching is utter nonsense, along comes a loud metal robot fight, a huge explosion or a scantily clad supermodel parading on-screen to distort your train of thought. This is no accident. This is done with the 100% sole purpose of confusing you into thinking this movie is worth the $20 you just wasted while they robbed you of your future wealth and to also justify this monstrosity of a film as a valid form of entertainment.
#3 Rewriting history is just fine since the majority of Michael Bay fans don’t read anyway.
In 50 years our society will have devolved to such an extent that “classic” movies like Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon and even The Island will be accepted as logical history lessons in school. We will have a future generation that truly believes that the Transformers were involved in the moon landing and world-famous Astronaut Ben Affleck saved our planet from a ravaging asteroid after having heroically survived the Pearl Harbor bombing.
#2 Product placement deals pay much more than a studio salary.
The majority of the 13-34 demographic that actually paid money to see the Transformers trilogy foolishly believed it was really cool that Bumblebee happened to transform into a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro instead of his original cartoon form of a Volkswagen Beetle. What these poor saps don’t understand is that the General Motors Corporation backed a Chevrolet Pickup truck filled with stacks of $100 dollar bills into Michael Bay’s driveway hoping he would make every single Transformer in the series into various GM made cars to try to save their failed car company. Volkswagen Corporation was not in such poor financial shape as GM and has never filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. They did not care if their cars where featured in such a ludicrous film so they offered Bay nothing. The GM plan worked. Every car in Transformers was a GM made car and the marketing ploy obviously worked judging by the endless series of shiny, poorly made gas guzzling GM cars you see on the road bought by none other than people from #5.
And the last Revealing reason why Michael Bay still has a job….
#1 Michael Bay is quite possibly the Anti-Christ.
There is simply no other logical reason his entire collection of brain-dead films all have a combined multibillion dollar gross. Back in 1995 before Bad Boys became an unexpected hit, he must have made a pact with Satan to become the most successful filmmaker of all time. But that tricky little Devil always has an ace up his sleeve and agreed to make him a successful director on the condition that his films would be mind less, shiny garbage only enjoyed by the lowest common denominator and he would never be taken seriously as a director. Bay just shrugged his shoulders and said “hey what the hell, these idiots won’t know any better.” You were absolutely right Michael. Absolutely right.