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Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies

08/16/2011 Leave a comment

I have a soft spot for Superhero films, especially Marvel Superhero films. With the exception of Batman and Superman, DC comics is basically a turd sandwich full of mediocre superheroes. Marvel comics has always been the superior franchise although some of the movies would prove otherwise. With every Spider-Man 2 and X-Men, there are the ludicrous Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Thor, Howard the Duck etc..

Here is a list of the Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies of all time.

15. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Spider-Man 3 was an abomination of epic proportions substituting the heart of the first two films with self-indulgent emo nonsense. Peter Parker is actually EMO in this movie! The only thing they were missing was having him wear skinny jeans and cut himself in the closet while trying to overdose on Tylenol PM. Terrible movie and not even Thomas Haden Church could have saved this film.

14. Ghost Rider (2007)

Ghost Rider is actually a blessing in disguise. For all the moronic one liners and pointing out into the darkness from Nick Cage, he actually just destroyed a second tier comic book hero instead of starring as Superman and destroying an American icon like originally planned. This turkey was so bad the best villain they could find was an over the hill Peter Fonda and the heroin monkey from American Beauty. Nice try Cage. Just stay away from Superman. A sequel is on the way February 2012.

13. Green Lantern (2011)

Green Lantern has so far made many lists as one of the worst films of 2011 and the year isn’t even over yet. Ryan Reynolds took a third-rate DC superhero and turned it into a 4th rate movie franchise. Not even with Bond director Martin Campbell at the helm did this movie have a shot at glory.

12. Fantastic Four (1994)

I have to admit that none of the Fantastic Four films released starring Jessica Alba and Chris Evans are any good aside from being mildly amusing. However this unreleased 1994 Fantastic Four adaptation that was filmed with $25 bucks and a broken Camcorder produced by Roger Corman was the bottom of the barrel. This film was so bad that it actually never made it to theaters nor DVD. It is only available through bootlegs and you can watch it in its entirety here in all its awful goodness. To be quite honest if you have a few drinks before watching it, this will be one of the most hilarious films you will ever watch.

Watch the Entire 1994 Unreleased Fantastic Four bootleg version here.

11. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003)

This movie was so atrocious that it forced the once great actor Sean Connery to completely renounce Hollywood, retire from acting and has been on a self-imposed exile in the Bahamas since the release of this deplorable film. Connery was so embarrassed by this movie that he has yet to make another film and will more than likely never be seen again. What a shame, aside from his views on occasionally beating your wife, Connery was a damn fine actor.

10. Thor (2011)

Who in the hell is this guy they picked to play Thor? A wax statue has more emotional range than this Abercrombie and Fitch reject. What was Natalie Portman thinking agreeing to this? Thor joins the Green Lantern as one of the worst films of 2011 and one of the worst Marvel films to come out in over a decade. This movie proves my point that Hollywood studio control over talented directors is a severe impediment to creative filmmaking. If the suits at the studio had just left Kenneth Branagh alone and let him do his Hamlet thing, this could have been up there with The Dark Knight.

9. Elektra (2005)

I don’t think Jennifer Garner ever got the memo that she was a terrible actress and it would be in her best interest to retire from the big screen and concentrate on raising Ben Affleck’s offspring as opposed to boring us to death with her incessant rambling. Elektra is the pinnacle of her career and it failed miserably. This movie was so bad they even screwed up her hair and gave her ridiculous bangs drooping over her eyes trying to hide her shame from starring in this crap fest.

8. Captain America (1990)

Now long before Chris Evans redeemed himself from the Fantastic Four films and made the far superior 2011 Captain America reboot, there was this atrocious 1990 low-budget version starring Matt Salinger. You know what CaptaiN America’s super powers are in this film? He can feign illness and car jack you at a moments notice. The main villain The Red Skull looks like a burn victim suffering from Italian dementia.

7. The Punisher (1989,2004,2008)

The Punisher character is almost as cursed as the film adaptations created about him. There has so far been 3 Punisher films and not one of them is even halfway decent. The 1989 version starred the listless Ivan Drago as the Punisher and they forgot to include his iconic skull shirt. The 2004 version starred the gay drug addict from Boogie Nights and the worst actor of our generation as the villain the ham-fisted John Travolta chewing up scenery like it was Bubblicious. The 2008 sequel was even worse than the aforementioned films. The Punisher just can’t catch a break. I can only assume that in the next Punisher film, they will cast Fez from That 70’s Show as the Punisher and keep the legacy alive.

6. Judge Dredd (1995)

“I AM the LAW!!!(severe slur)” Judge Dredd was such a terrible movie premise that the only action star willing to star was Sly the ex porn star and Rob Schneider as his unwilling sidekick. There are not enough words to describe how bad this film is.

5. Batman & Robin (1997)

Batman & Robin is like the Glee: 3D Concert Movie of the Batman franchise. Everything about this movie is terribly wrong but still absolutely fabulous. How George Clooney and Uma Thurman managed to survive this catastrophe unscathed is a miracle of modern science. However for Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elle Macpherson and Joel Schumacher, this movie completely destroyed their movie careers. This movie is so bad, in the opening minutes, we find out Batman now has nipples on his Batsuit and retractable Ice Skates from his boots just in case he ever gets forced to fight on a hockey rink. Which he actually does in the first 10 minutes.

4. Catwoman (2004)

Poor Halle Berry fell victim to the Oscar curse. The superstition states that most great actresses, after kicking ass in a movie and winning an Oscar for Best Actress, they will invariably follow that up with a terrible action or comedy movie completely wiping out all credibility of the Oscar they had previously won. It happened to Charlize Theron with Aeon Flux, Natalie Portman with Thor, Nicole Kidman with Bewitched, Hilary Swank with The Reaping and of course Halle Berry with Catwoman. This film was doomed from day one the day they signed some pretentious French director named Pitof who only goes by one name as if he was Cher to helm this crap.

3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Christopher Reeve will always be Superman. Brandon Routh nor the upcoming Man of Steel with Henry Cavill will ever surpass the original Superman Christopher Reeve. Unfortunately for Reeve who was coerced by the failing studio to star in this ludicrous fourth installment on the pretense they would finance his pet project 1987’s Street Smart. Unfortunately for the late Chris Reeve, both movies were flops and sent Cannon Films into bankruptcy a few years after this disaster.

2. Howard the Duck (1986)

One of the great mysteries of life is how this cinematic abortion was created by a graduate of the prestigious USC Film school who worked on such classics as Star Wars and wrote the screenplay to Indiana Jones and American Graffiti. Howard the Duck is a classic example of a pompous director not respecting the source material and trying to dumb it down for the audience and having it blow up in his face. The director Willard Huyck has yet to recover from this fiasco and has not directed another movie since this 1986 bomb.

1. Daredevil (2003)

Daredevil is the greatest disappointment on this list simply because Daredevil is such a complex character and would have been an outstanding superhero film with the guidance of a talented director and star. But unfortunately we got Mark Steven Johnson and Ben Affleck. Two talentless hacks who shouldn’t even be allowed to buy a digital camera let alone be given several with millions of dollars to flush down the toilet creating this sorry excuse for a superhero film. Hopefully Affleck learns his lesson and never returns as Daredevil.

The Amazing Spider-Man (July 3, 2012): Exclusive Trailer

07/22/2011 Leave a comment

The Amazing Spider-Man (July 3, 2012) Marc Webb

This movie looks AWESOME!! Ok I admit, I am a gigantic Spider-Man nerd and you can pretty much assume from my scathing review of Spider-Man 3 that I was sorely disappointed by the last installment of the Spidey franchise. All my hope in Spider-Man has restored with the announcement that Andrew Garfield (who was outstanding in last years The Social Network) was signed on to play the newest Peter Parker. Not only did they get Garfield who is perfect for the part, they have signed the lovely and always charming Emma Stone to play Gwen Stacy. Who in my honest opinion was the best girlfriend Spidey ever had in the comic books. (I was never a big fan of MJ) They should have included Gwen Stacy in the earlier 3 installments but what are ya gonna do?!?!

Obviously the director of this latest adventure, Marc Webb (500 Days of Summer), saw the abomination that was Spider-Man 3 and set out to please the loyal Spider-Man fans around the world with this cinematic reboot which focuses on Peter Parker as he once again begins his quest as Spider-Man during his high school years. This movie looks to be outstanding.

Hiring veteran character actors Sally Field and Martin Sheen as Aunt May and Uncle Ben was a really nice touch as well. Even the great Denis Leary (Rescue Me) has been cast as Captain Stacy. I don’t see what could go wrong with this. Apparently our villain in this latest chapter (hopefully they stick to just 1 villain this time) will be Dr. Curt Connors who as you may know will become The Lizard played by Welsh actor Rhys Ifans (Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 1) who seems perfect for the role as the menacing Lizard.

Interesting bit of casting trivia for you Outsiders fans. C. Thomas Howell, the actor who played Pony-boy Curtis in 1983’s The Outsiders will have a small part in this film as a construction worker who gets rescued by Spider-Man. It’s going to be interesting to see him on-screen again. “Stay Gold Pony-Boy.”

The Amazing Spider-Man will be in theaters 4th of July weekend 2012 and I will surely be lining up opening weekend to watch the cinematic redemption of our beloved Spidey after the travesty which was 2007’s Part 3. See you there!

Check out the trailer and don’t forget to comment.