Douchebags are multiplying at an alarming rate. It is now socially acceptable that being a douchebag is no longer a social taboo but a personality trait to be revered and look upon with high regard. The fact that two of the most popular shows on TV are now The Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of New Jersey proves that the general public can’t get enough of these fist pumping, hair gelled, fake tanned, vapid morons. Among the plethora of Douchebags, Hollywood has brilliantly played into this trend and created a series of movies aimed squarely at the Douchebags of America. If you find yourself offended and actually enjoy all of these movies, then you are without doubt a certified Douchebag. Congratulations and please do society a favor and go see your doctor immediately and get yourself permanently sterilized.
Here is a list of the Top 10 Most Absurd Movies Loved by Douchebags.
10. The Fast and the Furious series
This series of 5 moronic car racing films (a 6th is in the works) is aimed squarely at the grade Z Douchebag still living at home with his parents well into their late 20’s who would rather spend $20,000 on a credit card hooking up a piece of shit car than spend that money on their own place to live. Here is a piece of advice Grade Z Douchebag, the ONLY type of girl who will actually let you into her pants based solely on the type of hooked up car you have will most definitely leave you with a series of genital warts and rashes that will last much longer than the car you just hooked up trying to impress her with. You’ve been warned.
9. Sex and the City
These two ridiculously pompous movies are purely for the female and homosexual douchebags among us. If you spent $12 watching a movie about a bunch of middle-aged, vacuous whores well past their prime in an attempt to live vicariously through their shallow lives, you my friend are a raging female douchebag aka douchebaguette.
8. Vampires Suck, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, Date Movie
There are two “Directors” named Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer currently working in Hollywood whose job is simply to steal popular movie concepts, cast sub par actors and grossly imitate these popular movies without the slightest bit of irony or humor infused into the screenplay. These two Directors are the epitome of the Anti-Christ walking among us. The fact that douchebags across the country line up like cows at the slaughterhouse and consistently pay money to see these movies is truly one of the signs of an upcoming global apocalypse. These two morons are NOT FUNNY! Douchebags please, wash the hair gel off your scalp immediately which is obviously contaminating your brain into thinking these movies are entertainment.
7. Animal House
Animal House is the movie that single-handedly increased the US College drop out rate well over 60%. Who are these 60% drop-outs you may ask? Idiotic douchebags that constantly watch Animal House and idolize John Belushi and his kooky, super senior douchebag antics. Wake up Douchebags! Bluto Blutarsky is not someone to be idolized. He’s that 36 year old guy you saw in your English 101 class that everyone made fun of behind his back.
6. Any Michael Bay movie
Michael Bay how we hate you and your shiny metallic 360° panning shot nonsense. Douchebags across the world line up in record numbers to witness Michael Bay’s latest cinematic abortion every year. If your idea of entertainment is loud, obnoxiously stereotypical robots dry humping each other into oblivion, I can say with all honesty you are a grade F douchebag.
Here is a series of “horror” films that are routinely played for mental patients suffering from schizophrenia in maximum security mental wards. Not only do these films lack any scares or suspense, (a prerequisite for a good horror film) but they replace these two plot devices with convoluted torture traps aimed squarely at the sadistic douchebag who will surely become a red dot on the sexual predators website if they are not on the list already. Not only are these films ridiculously stupid, they made the last one in 3D to make the torture porn jump out at you to simulate the experience of when the douchbag watching them will strap his ex-girlfriend to a chair and methodically torture her.
4. The Passion of the Christ
The Passion of the Christ is a film enjoyed along the same lines as the sadistic Saw obsessed douchebags that enjoy paying money to see people getting tortured. This film was a massive hit further reinforcing the fact that Douchebags are multiplying at an alarming rate. If anyone thinks paying any amount of money to see a film where a raging anti-Semite director subjects you to 2 hours of Jesus Christ getting tortured and thinks this is a valid form of entertainment, You are an impetuous, sadistic grade B Douchebag.
Borat came out in 2006 and was inexplicably a massive hit. It is now 5 years later and there are STILL douchebags incessantly quoting this insufferable film across every dive bar in the nation with such lines as “Very Nice” and “Lets make sexy time.” Borat was a film starring the supreme douchebag of our generation made squarely for the millions of brain-dead douchebag fans that think incest, child pornography, two naked guys wrestling and an attempt to stuff a hot celebrity into a sack for the purpose of marriage are hilarious. If you enjoyed this film and contributed money to Sacha Baron Cohen, please have your balls clipped off so you can not contaminate the rest of the populace.
2. Boiler Room
Boiler Room was clearly written and directed by a class 5 douchebag and loved by greedy shameless douchebags from all walks of life. How can you tell? The moral of the story is that after conning and hustling your way to a million dollars by running pump and dump scams to unsuspecting investors, you can ultimately redeem yourself by becoming an FBI informant and ratting out all of your former friends. Not only is this film loved by douchebags worldwide, the douchebags in the film idolize the king of movie douchebags, Gordon Gekko from Wall Street.
1. The Boondock Saints
The Boondock Saints is the supreme Douchebag movie of our time loved by millions of self-righteous Catholic Douchebags from the planet of Douchebaggery. The moral of this incompetent rendition of a Tarantino gangster film is that all you need in life is a false vision from God to embark on a killing spree to rid the world of the evil criminals eventually becoming the very thing you swore to kill. This movie is beyond absurd and if you ever find yourself discussing movies with someone who claims their favorite film is The Boondock Saints, you are 100% guaranteed to be face to face with a grade A Douchebag. Turn around and run as fast as you can before this troglodyte infects your thought process.
#13 Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) **
This film introduces us to a character named Mr. Yunioshi. An old crusty Japanese man (Mickey Rooney) living in the upstairs apartment above our heroine Audrey Hepburn. There aren’t words to describe just how ridiculously stereotypical this character acts in this film. You have to watch and see for yourself.
#12 Birth of a Nation (1915) **
Here is a film that glamorize the Ku Klux Klan as a heroic force of warriors who are out to rid the world of all the African-Americans (played by white actors in black face) who are portrayed as comically violent buffoons who are simply out to rape all the local white women. The Monkey first leaned about this film in film school and was utterly mortified. Watch in horror for yourself.
#11 The Love Guru (2008) *
If it wasn’t for the Shrek series Mike Myers would be pumping gas at an Exxon back in Canada after the abomination that was The Love Guru.
#10 Gremlins (1984) ***
#9 Falling Down (1993) **
Falling Down is every disenfranchised and recently laid off middle-aged losers wet dream.
#8 Driving Miss Daisy (1989) *
Here we have a crusty old southern woman who drives around all day with her happy-go-lucky illiterate slave, I mean Chauffeur, actually named Hoke.
#7 Hitch (2004) *
So if you are an overweight socially inept white guy with absolutely no dating skills, what do you do? Well according to Hitch you need to find yourself a smooth talking “date doctor” whose going to teach you how to dance and give you all the skills you need to get your shit together.
#6 Dangerous Minds (1995) **
Dangerous Minds offers the simple idea that if you are a underprivliged minority teen attending high school in a gang war zone, your only salvation out of this hell hole is the new tough talking teacher who will set you free from your oppressive parents and get you on the path to higher education.
#5 Transformers Revenge of the Fallen (2009) *
Words can’t describe this monstrosity.
This is Tom Cruise at the height of his shameless self-indulgence. Cruise is the Samurai’s only hope against the evil federalist war and nevertheless becomes The Last Samurai. Kurosawa must be rolling in his grave.
#3 Bulworth (1998) ***
This satire served as the public mental breakdown for Writer/Director/Star Warren Beatty. After this disaster Beatty basically disappeared off the face of the earth.
#2 The Passion of the Christ (2004) *
According to Fuehrer Mel Gibson, Jesus was tortured and eventually executed by a pack of evil, snarling Jews displaying every anti-Semitic stereotype ever seen on film for two brutal hours of screen time in this snuff film.
The Number 1 Most Racist Movie of All time…
#1 American History X (1999) ***
This movie invented a brand new catch phrase among neo-nazi’s. In this film, our “hero” Edward Norton discovers two thugs stealing his car and decides to teach them a lesson. What does he do? He tells one of them to “put your mouth on the curb” and proceeds to stomp the kid in the back of the head. Terrible.