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Hollywood has officially bottomed out. They quit trying to impress us faster than the fat chick next door quit Nutri System. Movies are not released to inspire awe and wonder anymore. Movies are a marketing tool used by clueless studio heads to sell merchandise and video games to a generation of lackluster teens.
If you can’t smell the stench of failure like a piss soaked gym towel in the back seat of your car than you are in desperate need of a wake up call. The disenchanted writers at Movie Monkey Shoot have compiled a list of the 6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying for your reading pleasure. Hopefully this list inspires you to stop dropping a quarter of your paycheck every weekend supporting these swill merchants and use that money for something more productive. Like spending a coke fueled weekend in Vegas partying with 3 strippers and your best friends in the suite at the Bellagio. I’m just saying.
6. The unwelcome revival of the dark ages.
If you haven’t already read our list of the Top 20 Terrible remakes and sequels from the 80’s, read it here. For some inane reason, Hollywood has decided that the decade which brought us such disasters as Crack labs, Howard the Duck, Madonna and neon parachute pants is ripe for the picking. With such recent cinematic travesties as Conan the Barbarian, Nightmare on Elm Street and the upcoming Footloose reboot, Hollywood has proven that although generation X does not want to relive the dark ages, they are nevertheless going to cram it down our throats until we can taste nothing more than Alf’s taint.
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5. Ashton Kutcher still has a job.
Now the hilariously ironic thing about Ashton is that besides being the worst modern-day movie actor of our generation, he is also currently dragging his sack across the face of failed 80’s Brat Pack member #4 Demi Moore while watching St. Elmo’s Fire on constant repeat. This guy isn’t just a bad actor. He takes bad acting to an existential art form. The fact that he still gets a paycheck and cast in sub par rom-com’s proves that Hollywood doesn’t care the slightest bit to entertain us anymore. They figure that since Ashton can still hide his receding hairline beneath a mop of hair and is in somewhat semblance of good physical shape, millions of prepubescent girls will pay $12 bucks to see him fumble through his lines in the latest rom-com with Natalie Portman or Katherine Heigl. The perfect metaphor to Ashton’s movie career is that he is now performing sloppy seconds to a role made famous by Charlie Sheen on TV’s Two and a Half Men with Duckie as his sidekick.
Once upon a time there were actual screenwriters with storytelling talent that would spend countless hours punching away at a keyboard creating the next great American screenplay hoping that some Producer in Hollywood would finance their dream project. How else can you explain Pulp Fiction? Those days are long gone. In the 21st century film industry, films are decided first by a group of producers sitting in a hot tub smoking a blunt laced with cocaine. Then by a random focus group chosen from the outcasts of Maynardville, Tennessee whose only experience with the film industry is re-watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to decide what intellectual media property from our past should be turned into a feature film.
3. Shaky Cam Handheld Shots.
One of the greatest inventions the French ever gave to us besides the blow job is the film technique called “Cinéma vérité” where a natural, documentary style of filmmaking makes you think you are part of the action. Now in the 21st century that technique has been replaced with some dude with a violent twitch holding a camcorder shaking it incessantly to create the illusion of good filmmaking. To try to confuse the audience into thinking they are watching a thrilling movie, the producers have decided that panning shots, tracking shots and graceful camera movements are only for those artsy European filmmakers. American audiences want their information much quicker and with constant explosions to keep your mind constantly titillated so you ignore the fact that what you are watching is utter nonsense.
2. Classic Board Game Movie Adaptations
Do you remember playing the board game Battleship when the gigantic water aliens would pop out of the plastic board after you sank the Submarine with an A5? Neither do we but apparently the focus group that came up with a Battleship Movie felt it was imperative to the story to include these for the purpose of clever storytelling. Hopefully for us the Monopoly Movie is just a joke and this film ends the board game movie trend.
Regardless of what James Cameron and the journalistic wunderkind at Entertainment Weekly will lead you to believe, 3D technology is not the cutting edge of 21st century cinema. 3D movies have been around since the 50’s and they sucked just as bad back then as they do now. The only reason why we have had such a recent upsurge in the amount of 3D garbage released into theaters the last 3 years is because some intern at the studio had the brilliant idea that releasing EVERY movie (regardless if it needs it or not) in 3D instead of the normal 2D would decrease the amount of movie piracy and further increase the opening weekend box office numbers for the movie. Now this mode of action has had a negative two-pronged effect. Firstly, not everyone enjoys being constantly bombarded by 3D images along with paying extra money to see them, further increasing the migraine you leave the theater with. Therefore theater attendance has been significantly decreasing since the beginning of the new 3D craze. Secondly, more people would rather buy an HD flat screen and surround sound system with an $8 subscription to Netflix and watch movies at home than have to go see another dumb ass movie that had a post production 3D transfer further decreasing theater attendance.
If Hollywood doesn’t do something about the above problems, Movie theaters will soon be as empty as a 24 Hour Fitness in Corpus Christi, Texas.
With the release of not one but TWO movie remakes based on 1980’s films this past weekend (Fright Night & Conan the Barbarian) not to mention an additional 5 already in theaters, Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the top 20 terrible 80’s remakes/sequels of films that should have stayed in the dark ages. Now the ironic thing is that out of all the truly outstanding movies that came out of the 80’s i.e. Amadeus, E.T., Once Upon a Time in America etc. Hollywood chooses to remake all the dreadful garbage that came out of that decade for fear of a massive revolt by the fans.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hollywood has not only run out of solid ideas for films but has decided to go the tomato route and play it safe by remaking failed 80’s movies, TV shows, cartoons and even board games to cash in on the nostalgia factor for generation X and to further exploit that clever marketing gimmick of familiar brand recognition. If Hollywood does not stop remaking terrible 80’s movies and shows into horrendous 21st century garbage, I swear on Alf’s grave that I will stab Zach Morris in the neck with a knife if I have to sit through another failed 80’s reboot. Just stay away from Back to the Future and everything will be fine. Damn you Hollywood! If you were a person “I would flick you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.”
As if this needed to be mentioned, all of the movies on this list receive 1 star or less.
The A-Team for those of you lucky enough to not have been alive in the 80’s, was a cartoonish TV show about a group of mercenary’s on the run from the military getting into all sorts of mindless shenanigans. The show was mediocre at best and was rightfully cancelled after 5 seasons. Now the A-Team reboot was a 2010 summer blockbuster that tried to reinvigorate the diehard fans into possibly reviving the series for a 21st century incarnation. The film tanked at the box office and was a critical failure not to mention it happened to piss off the stars of the original series as being an unfaithful adaptation. I pity the fool who tries to remake this again.
Arthur was a 1980’s comedy starring Dudley Moore as the eponymous hero and an academy award-winning John Gielgud as Hobson. The 80’s version was rather charming and the main character was extremely likeable as the alcoholic playboy. Unfortunately for us the producers of the 2011 remake decided to cast the most unlikable and untalented Brit to take over the role made famous by Dudley Moore and cast Russel Brand. Nevertheless the Russel Brand shtick wore off immediately after Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the movie was a total failure.
Now unfortunately for the former Governator he was to wrapped up in his divorce scandal in 2011 to have any say whatsoever in this abomination of a remake to his 80’s classic. Had he not been consumed with trying to hide his illegitimate children from Maria, he would have used his power in Hollywood to veto the decision to hire a listless Hawaiian in the role he made famous and would have at least tried to get someone who took a few acting lessons beforehand. Not to say that Arnold is a talented thespian by any means, but he did embody the role of Conan the Barbarian and made the film fun to watch. The 2011 version plays out like a death march written by mental patients.
The king of Movie douchebags made his triumphant return in 2011 as Gordon Gekko was finally released from prison for insider trading in the mid 80’s. Wall Street was a film that said everything it had to say in the original and a sequel was completely unnecessary. The fact that Charlie Sheen shows up in a cameo made this sequel all the more horrific. What happened Oliver Stone? At one point you were the ballsiest director in Hollywood. Why did you have to completely neuter the legend of Gordon Gekko and release this cinematic travesty. Not only that but you cast the most obnoxious actor in the lead role opposite Michael Douglas. Shia Labeouf should stick to running away from shapeshifting robots and steer clear from serious movies.
Remaking Friday the 13th was inevitable since we have already seen about 15 sequels all declining in quality from its predecessor. After Jason Voorhees last failed attempt at terror in space with the horrendous Jason X, the geniuses at Hollywood decided to keep Jason in the closet for a few years before rebooting the franchise for a whole new generation of salivating fans. No such luck. The 2009 Friday the 13th was an utter critical failure yet managed to make $100 million at the box office so rest assured, Jason will be back in a slew of new sequels.
They ruined my childhood with this ghastly movie. Jason Lee as Dave? Enough said.
My Bloody Valentine 3D was lacking in the one crucial ingredient required of a good horror film. Suspense. This movie was just one eye gouging 3D murder after another without the least bit of concern in actually trying to scare the audience. The 1980’s original may have been Canadian cheese at its best but it still managed to scare the pants off every Canuck in the theater. 3D does not make a movie scary it only adds to the nausea.
This film was so bad that even director Robert Rodriguez took his name off as director and set up a fall guy with Hungarian director Nimrod Antal to take the blame for this attempt at trying to revive the Predator franchise. Rodriguez has proven time and time again that he is a smart man. Where was Alan Smithee when you needed him eh Rob Rod?
Miami Vice the movie was a failure on so many levels. Michael Mann’s attempt to revive the 80’s TV show for a new generation was to dark, to moody and not very exciting. Apparently the behind the scenes drama between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx (who was rumored to be extremely difficult to work with) spilled out into their performances and what we are left with is a soulless TV adaptation that could have been much better with two different actors in the lead. Please for the love of baby jesus don’t even try to make a sequel to this Mann. If any of your movies deserves a sequel it’s Heat.
Before you attempt to comment me back to hell, I am surely aware that Yogi Bear has been around since the 50’s. But your fearless movie blogger only started watching him in the 80’s with the Saturday morning cartoons so for argument’s sake we’ll say that Yogi Bear is an 80’s property. Now the 2010 movie remake was just failure in a bottle. Not even the 5-year-old target demographic was mildly amused by the terrible mis-casting of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo and this remake subsequently ended up on various worst of 2010 lists deservedly.
Where did Hollywood find Sam Worthington? Wherever it is they found him, can they please just take him back and let us forget we ever saw him. Worthington was adequate in Avatar. Adequate in the sense that the movie was so expensive with the creation of a giant race of blue people that James Cameron couldn’t afford to hire a decent actor in the main role of Jake Sully. Now the Clash of the Titans remake with Worthington in the main role as Perseus made the original actor Harry Hamlin look like Lawrence Olivier. This guy is just bad. He must have taken his acting lessons from 80’s reruns of Days of Our Lives. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes seemed embarrassed to be starring in this POS and phoned in their performances. I hope the vacation house in Bermuda they bought with this paycheck was well worth it.
The decline of societies intellect is nothing new. If you want undeniable proof that your average brain-dead TV fan is alive and well and voted for Dubya, The Dukes of Hazzard was at one point one of the most popular TV shows during the early 80’s. I don’t know if that speaks for the lack of quality of competing shows or the power of the Nielsen ratings when they drop off a ratings box at every trailer park in the South. This was the film debut of Jessica Simpson and sure enough she failed on all accounts and only made one more movie before retreating back to Top 40 Pop Music. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done Jessica next to dumping Nick Lachey, keep up the good work and stick to music.
Footloose (2011) hasn’t even been released yet but judging by the trailer this will definitely not be as popular as the 80’s version with Kevin Bacon. For one thing the storyline where dancing is banned and the hero decides to rebel is completely out dated. Dancing is not banned anywhere in the country so the plot is a moot point. Secondly, Zach Efron who is the king of High school musicals thought the script was so terrible he immediately dropped out from the lead role and was replaced by back up dancer and non actor Kenny Wormald??? This has the stench of failure written all over it. Watch the New Trailer at the end of this post and see for yourself. They think they can make a movie about the deep south without any obese rednecks missing teeth, a bunch of good-looking preppy kids that can dance and Dennis Quaid as a menacing preacher? Hollywood has completely lost their mind.
Now I’m not going to lie, the first Transformers movie in 2007 was highly entertaining and exciting. Shia LeBeouf was still relatively unknown so his kooky antics were still amusing. But Michael Bay decided that he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and released the horrendous sequels Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon completely tarnishing the reputation of the original film not to mention the 80’s cartoon series it was based on. The two sequels were so mindless and incoherent it was as if the Transformers were simply raping your ear drums for two and a half hours with useless dialogue and incomprehensible fight scenes. Honestly could you really tell the difference between an Autobot and Decepticon during the many tedious fight scenes? I couldn’t and I know I am not alone when I say this, I would have had much more fun throwing my 12 dollars into the toilet and repeatedly bashing my head into the bowl then have to sit through another 30 minute endless fight scene in 3D. Michael Bay we hate you!
How Corey Feldman could not tell that this direct to DVD sequel was going to further destroy his career is beyond me. The words “going straight to DVD” is like the cinematic kiss of death. Just ask Steven Seagal to attest to that as I am sure he knows that better than anyone. The original Lost Boys was a classic example of how to make a great horror/comedy vampire film and has become a cult classic among horror fans. The rumor of a sequel was floating around Hollywood for 20 years. I would have loved to see the proposed The Lost Girls that was rumored but no such luck. What the geniuses at Warner Brothers released was the red-headed step child of the late Corey Haim and a movie sequel abortion of epic proportions. When your main vampire is the half-witted brother of Kiefer Sutherland and the best line of dialogue is Corey Feldman screaming “Who ordered the Stake?”, you know you are in for a terrible ride down memory lane. Corey Haim must be rolling in his grave.
F*** YOU Raja Gosnell! You destroyed my beloved Smurfs from my childhood with this ridiculous adaptation that was clearly written by someone who has never even seen the original cartoons and has smoked way too much meth to function properly anymore. The normally hilarious Hank Azaria couldn’t even make this funny. Was he smoking meth too? That can be the only explanation for this ghastly mistake.
The original Prom Night was a great slasher film starring the orignal scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis. The 2008 remake had the amazingly bad soap opera actress and star of John Tucker Must Die Brittany Snow in the lead role. This was doomed from the moment it got the green light. The remake is utterly devoid of anything resembling scares, terror, suspense, acting, directing, etc.
Who told Kenan Thompson that he was funny? I know Bill Cosby didn’t. Joel Zwick was to busy counting his Benjie’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding to care. The fact that he is on SNL proves nothing. I mean seriously, Rob Schneider was on SNL. I think the only reason he was chosen to play Fat Albert is simply because he is young, black and starred in Good Burger. Those must have been the only three deciding factors when trying to find an actor to play Fat Albert. If they seriously wanted to get some laughs they should have put Jamie Foxx in a fat suit and you would have made a comic gem. I would have even accepted Eddie Murphy. But sadly all they could come up with was Kenan Thompson and Fat Albert bombed magnificently. Hopefully we never see a sequel.
The 1984 Nightmare on Elm street was one of the best original slasher films that started the whole genre. Wes Craven was at one point a great horror director and could create tension so thick you could cut through it with Freddy’s razor gloves. The 2010 bastardized “re-imagining” was too dull to be a horror film. Too boring to be an action film and not clever enough to elicit laughs or suspense. Jackie Earl Haley is no Freddy Krueger. The two elements that made the original so great were Wes Craven and Robert Englund and they failed to even mention this remake to them. A little input would have been nice from the creators of the original. Not in Hollywood, the place where Battlefield Earth was expected to be the next Star Wars. These guys don’t know shit from Shinola.
This movie has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. For one thing the kid (Jaden Smith) is learning Kung-Fu not Karate. He repeatedly takes his jacket off and puts it back on as part of his Kung-Fu training and who could ever buy that a tough Detroit street kid with cornrows like Jaden Smith would EVER get bullied? This film has more plot holes than swiss cheese yet it somehow made a billion dollars and a trilogy is inevitable. The one positive thing about this film was at least they refused to bring back Ralph Macchio.
Watch the new Trailer for Footloose here. ( Oct 14, 2011)
I have a soft spot for Superhero films, especially Marvel Superhero films. With the exception of Batman and Superman, DC comics is basically a turd sandwich full of mediocre superheroes. Marvel comics has always been the superior franchise although some of the movies would prove otherwise. With every Spider-Man 2 and X-Men, there are the ludicrous Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Thor, Howard the Duck etc..
Here is a list of the Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies of all time.
15. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Spider-Man 3 was an abomination of epic proportions substituting the heart of the first two films with self-indulgent emo nonsense. Peter Parker is actually EMO in this movie! The only thing they were missing was having him wear skinny jeans and cut himself in the closet while trying to overdose on Tylenol PM. Terrible movie and not even Thomas Haden Church could have saved this film.
14. Ghost Rider (2007)
Ghost Rider is actually a blessing in disguise. For all the moronic one liners and pointing out into the darkness from Nick Cage, he actually just destroyed a second tier comic book hero instead of starring as Superman and destroying an American icon like originally planned. This turkey was so bad the best villain they could find was an over the hill Peter Fonda and the heroin monkey from American Beauty. Nice try Cage. Just stay away from Superman. A sequel is on the way February 2012.
13. Green Lantern (2011)
Green Lantern has so far made many lists as one of the worst films of 2011 and the year isn’t even over yet. Ryan Reynolds took a third-rate DC superhero and turned it into a 4th rate movie franchise. Not even with Bond director Martin Campbell at the helm did this movie have a shot at glory.
12. Fantastic Four (1994)
I have to admit that none of the Fantastic Four films released starring Jessica Alba and Chris Evans are any good aside from being mildly amusing. However this unreleased 1994 Fantastic Four adaptation that was filmed with $25 bucks and a broken Camcorder produced by Roger Corman was the bottom of the barrel. This film was so bad that it actually never made it to theaters nor DVD. It is only available through bootlegs and you can watch it in its entirety here in all its awful goodness. To be quite honest if you have a few drinks before watching it, this will be one of the most hilarious films you will ever watch.
Watch the Entire 1994 Unreleased Fantastic Four bootleg version here.
11. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003)
This movie was so atrocious that it forced the once great actor Sean Connery to completely renounce Hollywood, retire from acting and has been on a self-imposed exile in the Bahamas since the release of this deplorable film. Connery was so embarrassed by this movie that he has yet to make another film and will more than likely never be seen again. What a shame, aside from his views on occasionally beating your wife, Connery was a damn fine actor.
10. Thor (2011)
Who in the hell is this guy they picked to play Thor? A wax statue has more emotional range than this Abercrombie and Fitch reject. What was Natalie Portman thinking agreeing to this? Thor joins the Green Lantern as one of the worst films of 2011 and one of the worst Marvel films to come out in over a decade. This movie proves my point that Hollywood studio control over talented directors is a severe impediment to creative filmmaking. If the suits at the studio had just left Kenneth Branagh alone and let him do his Hamlet thing, this could have been up there with The Dark Knight.
9. Elektra (2005)
I don’t think Jennifer Garner ever got the memo that she was a terrible actress and it would be in her best interest to retire from the big screen and concentrate on raising Ben Affleck’s offspring as opposed to boring us to death with her incessant rambling. Elektra is the pinnacle of her career and it failed miserably. This movie was so bad they even screwed up her hair and gave her ridiculous bangs drooping over her eyes trying to hide her shame from starring in this crap fest.
8. Captain America (1990)
Now long before Chris Evans redeemed himself from the Fantastic Four films and made the far superior 2011 Captain America reboot, there was this atrocious 1990 low-budget version starring Matt Salinger. You know what CaptaiN America’s super powers are in this film? He can feign illness and car jack you at a moments notice. The main villain The Red Skull looks like a burn victim suffering from Italian dementia.
7. The Punisher (1989,2004,2008)
The Punisher character is almost as cursed as the film adaptations created about him. There has so far been 3 Punisher films and not one of them is even halfway decent. The 1989 version starred the listless Ivan Drago as the Punisher and they forgot to include his iconic skull shirt. The 2004 version starred the gay drug addict from Boogie Nights and the worst actor of our generation as the villain the ham-fisted John Travolta chewing up scenery like it was Bubblicious. The 2008 sequel was even worse than the aforementioned films. The Punisher just can’t catch a break. I can only assume that in the next Punisher film, they will cast Fez from That 70’s Show as the Punisher and keep the legacy alive.
6. Judge Dredd (1995)
“I AM the LAW!!!(severe slur)” Judge Dredd was such a terrible movie premise that the only action star willing to star was Sly the ex porn star and Rob Schneider as his unwilling sidekick. There are not enough words to describe how bad this film is.
5. Batman & Robin (1997)
Batman & Robin is like the Glee: 3D Concert Movie of the Batman franchise. Everything about this movie is terribly wrong but still absolutely fabulous. How George Clooney and Uma Thurman managed to survive this catastrophe unscathed is a miracle of modern science. However for Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elle Macpherson and Joel Schumacher, this movie completely destroyed their movie careers. This movie is so bad, in the opening minutes, we find out Batman now has nipples on his Batsuit and retractable Ice Skates from his boots just in case he ever gets forced to fight on a hockey rink. Which he actually does in the first 10 minutes.
4. Catwoman (2004)
Poor Halle Berry fell victim to the Oscar curse. The superstition states that most great actresses, after kicking ass in a movie and winning an Oscar for Best Actress, they will invariably follow that up with a terrible action or comedy movie completely wiping out all credibility of the Oscar they had previously won. It happened to Charlize Theron with Aeon Flux, Natalie Portman with Thor, Nicole Kidman with Bewitched, Hilary Swank with The Reaping and of course Halle Berry with Catwoman. This film was doomed from day one the day they signed some pretentious French director named Pitof who only goes by one name as if he was Cher to helm this crap.
3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Christopher Reeve will always be Superman. Brandon Routh nor the upcoming Man of Steel with Henry Cavill will ever surpass the original Superman Christopher Reeve. Unfortunately for Reeve who was coerced by the failing studio to star in this ludicrous fourth installment on the pretense they would finance his pet project 1987’s Street Smart. Unfortunately for the late Chris Reeve, both movies were flops and sent Cannon Films into bankruptcy a few years after this disaster.
2. Howard the Duck (1986)
One of the great mysteries of life is how this cinematic abortion was created by a graduate of the prestigious USC Film school who worked on such classics as Star Wars and wrote the screenplay to Indiana Jones and American Graffiti. Howard the Duck is a classic example of a pompous director not respecting the source material and trying to dumb it down for the audience and having it blow up in his face. The director Willard Huyck has yet to recover from this fiasco and has not directed another movie since this 1986 bomb.
1. Daredevil (2003)
Daredevil is the greatest disappointment on this list simply because Daredevil is such a complex character and would have been an outstanding superhero film with the guidance of a talented director and star. But unfortunately we got Mark Steven Johnson and Ben Affleck. Two talentless hacks who shouldn’t even be allowed to buy a digital camera let alone be given several with millions of dollars to flush down the toilet creating this sorry excuse for a superhero film. Hopefully Affleck learns his lesson and never returns as Daredevil.