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Columbiana * About as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad cocaine

08/27/2011 Leave a comment

Colombiana *

Watching Zoe Saldana do her best Angelina Jolie impersonation in Colombiana was about as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad Colombian cocaine. Whatever happened to the 10 foot tall blue warrior goddess everybody fell in love with in Avatar? Zoe has lost all the charm that made billions of people pay $15 bucks to see her in 3D as Neytiri. As with most movies released this decade, if you want to watch the best scenes, simply watch the trailer below.

Why didn’t writer Luc Besson direct this film himself? That small adjustment would have improved this film ten fold. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, Besson directed two of the best action films from the 90’s with Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita and also directed the remarkably inferior The Fifth Element. Instead we get French director Olivier Megaton who we think may have been the basis for the Transformers villain. That would explain a lot.

Colombiana tries too hard to be Angelina Jolie’s Wanted that even the posters are nearly identical. I’m assuming the creators of this film basically watched Wanted numerous times and decided they were going to change the name and nationality of the heroine and bingo, we get Colombiana. 

The one thing we did enjoy while watching Colombiana was the re-teaming of Jordi Molla and Cliff Curtis who both played Colombian drug lords in Blow with Johnny Depp a decade ago. Unless TV and Movies have lied to me, Colombia is nothing more than drug lords and assassins. I won’t be taking a summer vacation there any time soon.

As far as plot goes, Saldana plays Cataleya Restrepo a Colombian who grows up to be a ruthless vigilante assassin after watching her parents execution in Bogota as a child and grows up planning revenge against the mobsters responsible.

Sounds like a South American Batman with breasts doesn’t it?

Re-watch Wanted instead. You’ll have a much better time. Or better yet watch Batman Begins again.

Zoe you could have done so much better. I’m burning my copy of Avatar as I write this.

Columbiana *  (2011)

107 Minutes 

Action, Drama

Directed by Megatron 

Zoe Saldana, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Molla

8 of the Most Fucked Up movies you’ve never seen. (and probably shouldn’t see)

08/27/2011 2 comments

These movies were made for this Guy

It goes without saying that purchasing a video camera and shooting a movie is probably one of the easiest endeavors one can partake in these days. Anyone with a Visa card, a Best Buy nearby and a group of willing friends can become the next aspiring Scorsese. The movies on this list prove without a shadow of a doubt that ANYONE can make a movie if enough time, money and perverted creativity is exerted behind a video camera. The 8 movies on this list are not good by any means and if your fearless team here at Movie Monkey Shoot were not paid to watch movies we probably wouldn’t have sat through them to bring you this report and instead re-watch Fletch for the thousandth time. It would behoove you to read this report once, maybe twice and not seek out the opportunity to lose brain cells and become much more jaded with society by indulging in these pitiful attempts at art. You have been warned. Now bring me a bloody mary and a steak sandwich..and a steak sandwich.

8. I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

A remake of I Spit On Your Grave was released not even a year ago and fewer people went to see the remake than the original exercise in cinematic excrement. Apparently a 45 minute protracted gang rape scene followed by another 45 minutes of gruesome revenge isn’t as popular as 10 foot tall blue hippies from Pandora.

This guy is going to wish he had never gotten drunk and horny

7. Bad Lieutenant (1992)

Now ignore the 2009 neutered remake of Bad Lieutenant with Nick Cage and Eva Mendes, we’re talking about the 1992 nihilistic nightmare where Harvey Keitel does a heroin induced full frontal for 1 minute of screen time. Bad Lieutenant is the film where the coked out Keitel pulls over two under aged girls and makes them perform quasi-fellatio while he pulls his pud on the side of the road while investigating the rape of a nun. After you watch this movie you’ll feel the sudden urge to take a shower with a Brillo Pad.

Stay away from Crystal Meth or this could be you

6. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls isn’t really a movie as much as it is some devilishly creative jerk off (Director Lucifer Valentine) paying a failed bulimic hooker $100 bucks to constantly vomit on video among other guys he met at the local Wal-Mart that didn’t demand such a high salary. SVD is a 70 minute satanic orgy of regurgitated nonsense.

She'll cut your head off and vomit all over you

5. Caligula (1979)

Caligula is actually very loosely based on a true story which makes it that much more disturbing. If you’ve never seen a $20 million dollar Italian porn film with sadistic violence and endless fetishes and are even the slightest bit curious what it would play out like, watch Caligula the unrated version. You will not be disappointed I assure you. Remember back in middle school when we learned about the gigantic head clipping machines they used in Ancient Rome as a form of entertainment (ya neither do I), you will learn all about it in this incompetently “faithful” recreation of pagan Rome.

Before you get slightly aroused just remember that he's seducing his sister

4. Audition

Audition has apparently found a loyal cult following among the charming people you meet at a Gwar concert or already committed to the state mental hospital. If you can watch this entire film and not poke your own eyes out with the DVD remote than I applaud your bravery. Much like every other film on this list, Audition is a prolonged snuff film with a budget. Our heroine in this film enjoys such simple pleasures as keeping a dismembered guy hostage in a burlap sack, vomiting into a dog dish to feed him and cutting people’s feet off with a wire saw. If that sort of thing tickle’s your fancy, watch this movie before you get committed to Shutter Island.

She's got serious daddy issues

 

3. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Have you ever seen a girl vertically impaled on an 8 foot spike like a roast pig in a movie before? If you haven’t and are vaguely curious, watch Cannibal Holocaust but stay the hell away from this Monkey and the rest of the staff. We don’t want to meet you and frankly we’re quite scared of anyone that would be curious to watch this. This is the most snuffiest of the rest of the snuff films on this list, so much so that the director was arrested and almost sent to prison for murder charges until Johnnie Cochran proved his innocence. This film had not one but two strikes against it when it was released. Not only did the audience think it was a genuine snuff film, but they managed to seriously piss off PETA when they actually show various animal killings on-screen.

Rest assured, she is still alive and sitting on a bicycle seat and this is NOT a snuff film

2. Salo: The 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

If you’re confused about the above movie poster for Salo, rest assured it has NOT been photoshopped. The fascist dudes in the background are actually examining asses to find the best one to sodomize. Salo was on our list as the number one fucked up movie for years but apparently we found a film more deserving of that title so Salo has dropped to number two. In case you were wondering, Salo was based on a novel written by the Marquis de Sade who if you are not aware was a 18th century French aristocrat that wrote the novel while imprisoned for 30 years on the walls of his jail cell in his own feces no less. A perfect metaphor to the quality of this shit storm. Don’t be fooled by moronic pseudo intellectuals that tell you this is important filmmaking and a critique on society at large. Salo is a two-hour mind fuck of insane perversity’s disguised as social commentary.

Don't live in Fascist Italy, Lesson learned

The poor sap in the picture is getting his tongue cut out while getting gang raped by Italian fascists which is pretty much the feeling you get after watching this monstrosity. The apex of this movie is when one of the fascists drops a steaming load on the floor and makes one if his slaves eat it with a spoon while still fresh which is tantamount to what the director was telling his audience. Avoid this movie at all costs unless you’re contemplating suicide and need one final reason to pull the trigger.

And the award for the MOST FUCKED UP MOVIE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN…..

1. The Human Centipede (2010)

Didn’t the asshole that directed The Human Centipede watch Clerks 2? You’re NEVER supposed to go ass to mouth. Apparently he never received the memo and he made an entire movie based on this simple premise. The Human Centipede is a film based on a crazed German Doctor whose hero is none other than Nazi Doctor Joseph Mengele who decides that the experiment that will win him the Nobel prize is surgically grafting three patients ass to mouth to form, yes you guessed it, The Human Centipede as the title implies. Apparently no studio in Hollywood or in the universe for that matter thought this was a good premise and the director had to shoot it in his bedroom with three actors you’ll probably never see again. The film tanked at the box office as the only people who paid money to see it are almost certain to be red dots on the sex predator website but apparently that won’t stop Director Tom Six from creating a trilogy of ass to mouth adventures.

The Revenge of the 80’s. Top 20 terrible remakes/sequels from the dark ages.

08/25/2011 Leave a comment

With the release of not one but TWO movie remakes based on 1980’s films this past weekend (Fright Night & Conan the Barbarian) not to mention an additional 5 already in theaters, Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the top 20 terrible 80’s remakes/sequels of films that should have stayed in the dark ages. Now the ironic thing is that out of all the truly outstanding movies that came out of the 80’s i.e. Amadeus, E.T., Once Upon a Time in America etc. Hollywood chooses to remake all the dreadful garbage that came out of that decade for fear of a massive revolt by the fans.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hollywood has not only run out of solid ideas for films but has decided to go the tomato route and play it safe by remaking failed 80’s movies, TV shows, cartoons and even board games to cash in on the nostalgia factor for generation X and to further exploit that clever marketing gimmick of familiar brand recognition. If Hollywood does not stop remaking terrible 80’s movies and shows into horrendous 21st century garbage, I swear on Alf’s grave that I will stab Zach Morris in the neck with a knife if I have to sit through another failed 80’s reboot. Just stay away from Back to the Future and everything will be fine. Damn you Hollywood! If you were a person “I would flick you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.”

As if this needed to be mentioned, all of the movies on this list receive 1 star or less.

20. The A-Team (2010)

The A-Team for those of you lucky enough to not have been alive in the 80’s, was a cartoonish TV show about a group of mercenary’s on the run from the military getting into all sorts of mindless shenanigans. The show was mediocre at best and was rightfully cancelled after 5 seasons. Now the A-Team reboot was a 2010 summer blockbuster that tried to reinvigorate the diehard fans into possibly reviving the series for a 21st century incarnation. The film tanked at the box office and was a critical failure not to mention it happened to piss off the stars of the original series as being an unfaithful adaptation. I pity the fool who tries to remake this again.

19. Arthur (2011)

Arthur was a 1980’s comedy starring Dudley Moore as the eponymous hero and an academy award-winning John Gielgud as Hobson. The 80’s version was rather charming and the main character was extremely likeable as the alcoholic playboy. Unfortunately for us the producers of the 2011 remake decided to cast the most unlikable and untalented Brit to take over the role made famous by Dudley Moore and cast Russel Brand. Nevertheless the Russel Brand shtick wore off immediately after Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the movie was a total failure.

18. Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Now unfortunately for the former Governator he was to wrapped up in his divorce scandal in 2011 to have any say whatsoever in this abomination of a remake to his 80’s classic. Had he not been consumed with trying to hide his illegitimate children from Maria, he would have used his power in Hollywood to veto the decision to hire a listless Hawaiian in the role he made famous and would have at least tried to get someone who took a few acting lessons beforehand. Not to say that Arnold is a talented thespian by any means, but he did embody the role of Conan the Barbarian and made the film fun to watch. The 2011 version plays out like a death march written by mental patients.

17. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)

The king of Movie douchebags made his triumphant return in 2011 as Gordon Gekko was finally released from prison for insider trading in the mid 80’s. Wall Street was a film that said everything it had to say in the original and a sequel was completely unnecessary. The fact that Charlie Sheen shows up in a cameo made this sequel all the more horrific. What happened Oliver Stone? At one point you were the ballsiest director in Hollywood. Why did you have to completely neuter the legend of Gordon Gekko and release this cinematic travesty. Not only that but you cast the most obnoxious actor in the lead role opposite Michael Douglas. Shia Labeouf should stick to running away from shapeshifting robots and steer clear from serious movies.

16. Friday the 13th (2009)

Remaking Friday the 13th was inevitable since we have already seen about 15 sequels all declining in quality from its predecessor. After Jason Voorhees last failed attempt at terror in space with the horrendous Jason X, the geniuses at Hollywood decided to keep Jason in the closet for a few years before rebooting the franchise for a whole new generation of salivating fans. No such luck. The 2009 Friday the 13th was an utter critical failure yet managed to make $100 million at the box office so rest assured, Jason will be back in a slew of new sequels.

15. Alvin & the Chipmunks (2008)

They ruined my childhood with this ghastly movie. Jason Lee as Dave? Enough said.

14. My Bloody Valentine (2009)

My Bloody Valentine 3D was lacking in the one crucial ingredient required of a good horror film. Suspense. This movie was just one eye gouging 3D murder after another without the least bit of concern in actually trying to scare the audience. The 1980’s original may have been Canadian cheese at its best but it still managed to scare the pants off every Canuck in the theater. 3D does not make a movie scary it only adds to the nausea.

13. Predators (2010)

This film was so bad that even director Robert Rodriguez took his name off as director and set up a fall guy with Hungarian director Nimrod Antal to take the blame for this attempt at trying to revive the Predator franchise. Rodriguez has proven time and time again that he is a smart man. Where was Alan Smithee when you needed him eh Rob Rod?

12. Miami Vice (2006)

Miami Vice the movie was a failure on so many levels. Michael Mann’s attempt to revive the 80’s TV show for a new generation was to dark, to moody and not very exciting. Apparently the behind the scenes drama between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx (who was rumored to be extremely difficult to work with) spilled out into their performances and what we are left with is a soulless TV adaptation that could have been much better with two different actors in the lead. Please for the love of baby jesus don’t even try to make a sequel to this Mann. If any of your movies deserves a sequel it’s Heat.

11. Yogi Bear (2010)

Before you attempt to comment me back to hell, I am surely aware that Yogi Bear has been around since the 50’s. But your fearless movie blogger only started watching him in the 80’s with the Saturday morning cartoons so for argument’s sake we’ll say that Yogi Bear is an 80’s property. Now the 2010 movie remake was just failure in a bottle. Not even the 5-year-old target demographic was mildly amused by the terrible mis-casting of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo and this remake subsequently ended up on various worst of 2010 lists deservedly.

10. Clash of the Titans (2010)

Where did Hollywood find Sam Worthington? Wherever it is they found him, can they please just take him back and let us forget we ever saw him. Worthington was adequate in Avatar. Adequate in the sense that the movie was so expensive with the creation of a giant race of blue people that James Cameron couldn’t afford to hire a decent actor in the main role of Jake Sully. Now the Clash of the Titans remake with Worthington in the main role as Perseus made the original actor Harry Hamlin look like Lawrence Olivier. This guy is just bad. He must have taken his acting lessons from 80’s reruns of Days of Our Lives. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes seemed embarrassed to be starring in this POS and phoned in their performances. I hope the vacation house in Bermuda they bought with this paycheck was well worth it.

9. The Dukes of Hazard (2005)

The decline of societies intellect is nothing new. If you want undeniable proof that your average brain-dead TV fan is alive and well and voted for Dubya, The Dukes of Hazzard was at one point one of the most popular TV shows during the early 80’s. I don’t know if that speaks for the lack of quality of competing shows or the power of the Nielsen ratings when they drop off a ratings box at every trailer park in the South. This was the film debut of Jessica Simpson and sure enough she failed on all accounts and only made one more movie before retreating back to Top 40 Pop Music. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done Jessica next to dumping Nick Lachey, keep up the good work and stick to music.

8. Footloose (2011)

Footloose (2011) hasn’t even been released yet but judging by the trailer this will definitely not be as popular as the 80’s version with Kevin Bacon. For one thing the storyline where dancing is banned and the hero decides to rebel is completely out dated. Dancing is not banned anywhere in the country so the plot is a moot point. Secondly, Zach Efron who is the king of High school musicals thought the script was so terrible he immediately dropped out from the lead role and was replaced by back up dancer and non actor Kenny Wormald??? This has the stench of failure written all over it. Watch the New Trailer at the end of this post and see for yourself. They think they can make a movie about the deep south without any obese rednecks missing teeth, a bunch of good-looking preppy kids that can dance and Dennis Quaid as a menacing preacher? Hollywood has completely lost their mind.

7. Transformers 1,2 & 3 (2007,2009,2011)

Now I’m not going to lie, the first Transformers movie in 2007 was highly entertaining and exciting. Shia LeBeouf was still relatively unknown so his kooky antics were still amusing. But Michael Bay decided that he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and released the horrendous sequels Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon completely tarnishing the reputation of the original film not to mention the 80’s cartoon series it was based on. The two sequels were so mindless and incoherent it was as if the Transformers were simply raping your ear drums for two and a half hours with useless dialogue and incomprehensible fight scenes. Honestly could you really tell the difference between an Autobot and Decepticon during the many tedious fight scenes? I couldn’t and I know I am not alone when I say this, I would have had much more fun throwing my 12 dollars into the toilet and repeatedly bashing my head into the bowl then have to sit through another 30 minute endless fight scene in 3D. Michael Bay we hate you!

6. The Lost Boys the Tribe & the Thirst (2008,2010)

How Corey Feldman could not tell that this direct to DVD sequel was going to further destroy his career is beyond me. The words “going straight to DVD” is like the cinematic kiss of death. Just ask Steven Seagal to attest to that as I am sure he knows that better than anyone. The original Lost Boys was a classic example of how to make a great horror/comedy vampire film and has become a cult classic among horror fans. The rumor of a sequel was floating around Hollywood for 20 years. I would have loved to see the proposed The Lost Girls that was rumored but no such luck. What the geniuses at Warner Brothers released was the red-headed step child of the late Corey Haim and a movie sequel abortion of epic proportions. When your main vampire is the half-witted brother of Kiefer Sutherland and the best line of dialogue is Corey Feldman screaming “Who ordered the Stake?”, you know you are in for a terrible ride down memory lane. Corey Haim must be rolling in his grave.

5. The Smurfs (2011)

F*** YOU Raja Gosnell! You destroyed my beloved Smurfs from my childhood with this ridiculous adaptation that was clearly written by someone who has never even seen the original cartoons and has smoked way too much meth to function properly anymore. The normally hilarious Hank Azaria couldn’t even make this funny. Was he smoking meth too? That can be the only explanation for this ghastly mistake.

4. Prom Night (2008)

The original Prom Night was a great slasher film starring the orignal scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis. The 2008 remake had the amazingly bad soap opera actress and star of John Tucker Must Die Brittany Snow in the lead role. This was doomed from the moment it got the green light. The remake is utterly devoid of anything resembling scares, terror, suspense, acting, directing, etc.

3. Fat Albert (2004)

Who told Kenan Thompson that he was funny? I know Bill Cosby didn’t. Joel Zwick was to busy counting his Benjie’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding to care. The fact that he is on SNL proves nothing. I mean seriously, Rob Schneider was on SNL. I think the only reason he was chosen to play Fat Albert is simply because he is young, black and starred in Good Burger. Those must have been the only three deciding factors when trying to find an actor to play Fat Albert. If they seriously wanted to get some laughs they should have put Jamie Foxx in a fat suit and you would have made a comic gem. I would have even accepted Eddie Murphy. But sadly all they could come up with was Kenan Thompson and Fat Albert bombed magnificently. Hopefully we never see a sequel.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

The 1984 Nightmare on Elm street was one of the best original slasher films that started the whole genre. Wes Craven was at one point a great horror director and could create tension so thick you could cut through it with Freddy’s razor gloves. The 2010 bastardized “re-imagining” was too dull to be a horror film. Too boring to be an action film and not clever enough to elicit laughs or suspense. Jackie Earl Haley is no Freddy Krueger. The two elements that made the original so great were Wes Craven and Robert Englund and they failed to even mention this remake to them. A little input would have been nice from the creators of the original. Not in Hollywood, the place where Battlefield Earth was expected to be the next Star Wars. These guys don’t know shit from Shinola.

1. The Karate Kid (2010)

This movie has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. For one thing the kid (Jaden Smith) is learning Kung-Fu not Karate. He repeatedly takes his jacket off and puts it back on as part of his Kung-Fu training and who could ever buy that a tough Detroit street kid with cornrows like Jaden Smith would EVER get bullied? This film has more plot holes than swiss cheese yet it somehow made a billion dollars and a trilogy is inevitable. The one positive thing about this film was at least they refused to bring back Ralph Macchio.

Watch the new Trailer for Footloose here. ( Oct 14, 2011)

Coriolanus (Dec 2,2011) Exclusive New trailer to Ralph Fiennes directorial debut

08/17/2011 Leave a comment

A Banished hero of Rome Caius Martius Coriolanus (Fiennes) allies with a sworn enemy (Butler) to take his revenge on the city. Based on the classic tragedy by William Shakespeare.

Coriolanus (Dec 2, 2011)

Drama, History, Thriller

Directed by Ralph Fiennes

Ralph Fiennes, Gerard Butler, Brian Cox, Vanessa Redgrave, Jessica Chastain

Little Fockers (2010) (No stars)

07/21/2011 Leave a comment

Little Fockers (2010) (no stars)

Why didn’t they name it, Meet the Little Fockers, or Meet the Parents 3, or I would have even accepted Revenge of the Fockers. But with a name like Little Fockers, you would expect that the third entry in the Meet the Parents series was going to focus on Greg Fockers zany little kids. The Little Fockers that the title implies are barely in this crapfest of a movie. What we do get is 98 minutes of lame dick and fart jokes. Did Jay and Silent Bob do an uncredited rewrite?

You wanna know how bad this movie is? The only line of dialogue mentioned by the “Little Fockers” that even somewhat resembles a punchline to a half assed joke is: “Can girls poop out of their vagina?”  If that is what passes as comedy these days than I give up. The funniest thing in this movie was Sustengo, the name of the inane plot device brand of sex pills that Greg starts to sell.

The fact that talented veterans like Harvey Keitel, Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand phoned in their awful performances simply for the paycheck shows just how bad this series has become.

Two disturbing facts about this awful movie that I truly cannot comprehend; 1. They wasted $100 million dollars creating this travesty and 2. It made over three times its budget back in the $300 million range. WOW!

Bring on Meet the Little Fockers 4!

p.s. Jessica Alba won the 2011 Razzie award for Worst Supporting actress for this film in what is surely her worst film to date.

Little Fockers  (2010) (no stars)

98 Minutes

I think it was supposed to be a Comedy but I’m not sure???

Directed by Paul Weitz

Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller, Jessica Alba, Owen Wilson, Teri Polo