With the release of not one but TWO movie remakes based on 1980’s films this past weekend (Fright Night & Conan the Barbarian) not to mention an additional 5 already in theaters, Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the top 20 terrible 80’s remakes/sequels of films that should have stayed in the dark ages. Now the ironic thing is that out of all the truly outstanding movies that came out of the 80’s i.e. Amadeus, E.T., Once Upon a Time in America etc. Hollywood chooses to remake all the dreadful garbage that came out of that decade for fear of a massive revolt by the fans.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hollywood has not only run out of solid ideas for films but has decided to go the tomato route and play it safe by remaking failed 80’s movies, TV shows, cartoons and even board games to cash in on the nostalgia factor for generation X and to further exploit that clever marketing gimmick of familiar brand recognition. If Hollywood does not stop remaking terrible 80’s movies and shows into horrendous 21st century garbage, I swear on Alf’s grave that I will stab Zach Morris in the neck with a knife if I have to sit through another failed 80’s reboot. Just stay away from Back to the Future and everything will be fine. Damn you Hollywood! If you were a person “I would flick you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.”
As if this needed to be mentioned, all of the movies on this list receive 1 star or less.
The A-Team for those of you lucky enough to not have been alive in the 80’s, was a cartoonish TV show about a group of mercenary’s on the run from the military getting into all sorts of mindless shenanigans. The show was mediocre at best and was rightfully cancelled after 5 seasons. Now the A-Team reboot was a 2010 summer blockbuster that tried to reinvigorate the diehard fans into possibly reviving the series for a 21st century incarnation. The film tanked at the box office and was a critical failure not to mention it happened to piss off the stars of the original series as being an unfaithful adaptation. I pity the fool who tries to remake this again.
Arthur was a 1980’s comedy starring Dudley Moore as the eponymous hero and an academy award-winning John Gielgud as Hobson. The 80’s version was rather charming and the main character was extremely likeable as the alcoholic playboy. Unfortunately for us the producers of the 2011 remake decided to cast the most unlikable and untalented Brit to take over the role made famous by Dudley Moore and cast Russel Brand. Nevertheless the Russel Brand shtick wore off immediately after Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the movie was a total failure.
Now unfortunately for the former Governator he was to wrapped up in his divorce scandal in 2011 to have any say whatsoever in this abomination of a remake to his 80’s classic. Had he not been consumed with trying to hide his illegitimate children from Maria, he would have used his power in Hollywood to veto the decision to hire a listless Hawaiian in the role he made famous and would have at least tried to get someone who took a few acting lessons beforehand. Not to say that Arnold is a talented thespian by any means, but he did embody the role of Conan the Barbarian and made the film fun to watch. The 2011 version plays out like a death march written by mental patients.
The king of Movie douchebags made his triumphant return in 2011 as Gordon Gekko was finally released from prison for insider trading in the mid 80’s. Wall Street was a film that said everything it had to say in the original and a sequel was completely unnecessary. The fact that Charlie Sheen shows up in a cameo made this sequel all the more horrific. What happened Oliver Stone? At one point you were the ballsiest director in Hollywood. Why did you have to completely neuter the legend of Gordon Gekko and release this cinematic travesty. Not only that but you cast the most obnoxious actor in the lead role opposite Michael Douglas. Shia Labeouf should stick to running away from shapeshifting robots and steer clear from serious movies.
Remaking Friday the 13th was inevitable since we have already seen about 15 sequels all declining in quality from its predecessor. After Jason Voorhees last failed attempt at terror in space with the horrendous Jason X, the geniuses at Hollywood decided to keep Jason in the closet for a few years before rebooting the franchise for a whole new generation of salivating fans. No such luck. The 2009 Friday the 13th was an utter critical failure yet managed to make $100 million at the box office so rest assured, Jason will be back in a slew of new sequels.
They ruined my childhood with this ghastly movie. Jason Lee as Dave? Enough said.
My Bloody Valentine 3D was lacking in the one crucial ingredient required of a good horror film. Suspense. This movie was just one eye gouging 3D murder after another without the least bit of concern in actually trying to scare the audience. The 1980’s original may have been Canadian cheese at its best but it still managed to scare the pants off every Canuck in the theater. 3D does not make a movie scary it only adds to the nausea.
This film was so bad that even director Robert Rodriguez took his name off as director and set up a fall guy with Hungarian director Nimrod Antal to take the blame for this attempt at trying to revive the Predator franchise. Rodriguez has proven time and time again that he is a smart man. Where was Alan Smithee when you needed him eh Rob Rod?
Miami Vice the movie was a failure on so many levels. Michael Mann’s attempt to revive the 80’s TV show for a new generation was to dark, to moody and not very exciting. Apparently the behind the scenes drama between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx (who was rumored to be extremely difficult to work with) spilled out into their performances and what we are left with is a soulless TV adaptation that could have been much better with two different actors in the lead. Please for the love of baby jesus don’t even try to make a sequel to this Mann. If any of your movies deserves a sequel it’s Heat.
Before you attempt to comment me back to hell, I am surely aware that Yogi Bear has been around since the 50’s. But your fearless movie blogger only started watching him in the 80’s with the Saturday morning cartoons so for argument’s sake we’ll say that Yogi Bear is an 80’s property. Now the 2010 movie remake was just failure in a bottle. Not even the 5-year-old target demographic was mildly amused by the terrible mis-casting of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo and this remake subsequently ended up on various worst of 2010 lists deservedly.
Where did Hollywood find Sam Worthington? Wherever it is they found him, can they please just take him back and let us forget we ever saw him. Worthington was adequate in Avatar. Adequate in the sense that the movie was so expensive with the creation of a giant race of blue people that James Cameron couldn’t afford to hire a decent actor in the main role of Jake Sully. Now the Clash of the Titans remake with Worthington in the main role as Perseus made the original actor Harry Hamlin look like Lawrence Olivier. This guy is just bad. He must have taken his acting lessons from 80’s reruns of Days of Our Lives. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes seemed embarrassed to be starring in this POS and phoned in their performances. I hope the vacation house in Bermuda they bought with this paycheck was well worth it.
The decline of societies intellect is nothing new. If you want undeniable proof that your average brain-dead TV fan is alive and well and voted for Dubya, The Dukes of Hazzard was at one point one of the most popular TV shows during the early 80’s. I don’t know if that speaks for the lack of quality of competing shows or the power of the Nielsen ratings when they drop off a ratings box at every trailer park in the South. This was the film debut of Jessica Simpson and sure enough she failed on all accounts and only made one more movie before retreating back to Top 40 Pop Music. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done Jessica next to dumping Nick Lachey, keep up the good work and stick to music.
Footloose (2011) hasn’t even been released yet but judging by the trailer this will definitely not be as popular as the 80’s version with Kevin Bacon. For one thing the storyline where dancing is banned and the hero decides to rebel is completely out dated. Dancing is not banned anywhere in the country so the plot is a moot point. Secondly, Zach Efron who is the king of High school musicals thought the script was so terrible he immediately dropped out from the lead role and was replaced by back up dancer and non actor Kenny Wormald??? This has the stench of failure written all over it. Watch the New Trailer at the end of this post and see for yourself. They think they can make a movie about the deep south without any obese rednecks missing teeth, a bunch of good-looking preppy kids that can dance and Dennis Quaid as a menacing preacher? Hollywood has completely lost their mind.
Now I’m not going to lie, the first Transformers movie in 2007 was highly entertaining and exciting. Shia LeBeouf was still relatively unknown so his kooky antics were still amusing. But Michael Bay decided that he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and released the horrendous sequels Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon completely tarnishing the reputation of the original film not to mention the 80’s cartoon series it was based on. The two sequels were so mindless and incoherent it was as if the Transformers were simply raping your ear drums for two and a half hours with useless dialogue and incomprehensible fight scenes. Honestly could you really tell the difference between an Autobot and Decepticon during the many tedious fight scenes? I couldn’t and I know I am not alone when I say this, I would have had much more fun throwing my 12 dollars into the toilet and repeatedly bashing my head into the bowl then have to sit through another 30 minute endless fight scene in 3D. Michael Bay we hate you!
How Corey Feldman could not tell that this direct to DVD sequel was going to further destroy his career is beyond me. The words “going straight to DVD” is like the cinematic kiss of death. Just ask Steven Seagal to attest to that as I am sure he knows that better than anyone. The original Lost Boys was a classic example of how to make a great horror/comedy vampire film and has become a cult classic among horror fans. The rumor of a sequel was floating around Hollywood for 20 years. I would have loved to see the proposed The Lost Girls that was rumored but no such luck. What the geniuses at Warner Brothers released was the red-headed step child of the late Corey Haim and a movie sequel abortion of epic proportions. When your main vampire is the half-witted brother of Kiefer Sutherland and the best line of dialogue is Corey Feldman screaming “Who ordered the Stake?”, you know you are in for a terrible ride down memory lane. Corey Haim must be rolling in his grave.
F*** YOU Raja Gosnell! You destroyed my beloved Smurfs from my childhood with this ridiculous adaptation that was clearly written by someone who has never even seen the original cartoons and has smoked way too much meth to function properly anymore. The normally hilarious Hank Azaria couldn’t even make this funny. Was he smoking meth too? That can be the only explanation for this ghastly mistake.
The original Prom Night was a great slasher film starring the orignal scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis. The 2008 remake had the amazingly bad soap opera actress and star of John Tucker Must Die Brittany Snow in the lead role. This was doomed from the moment it got the green light. The remake is utterly devoid of anything resembling scares, terror, suspense, acting, directing, etc.
Who told Kenan Thompson that he was funny? I know Bill Cosby didn’t. Joel Zwick was to busy counting his Benjie’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding to care. The fact that he is on SNL proves nothing. I mean seriously, Rob Schneider was on SNL. I think the only reason he was chosen to play Fat Albert is simply because he is young, black and starred in Good Burger. Those must have been the only three deciding factors when trying to find an actor to play Fat Albert. If they seriously wanted to get some laughs they should have put Jamie Foxx in a fat suit and you would have made a comic gem. I would have even accepted Eddie Murphy. But sadly all they could come up with was Kenan Thompson and Fat Albert bombed magnificently. Hopefully we never see a sequel.
The 1984 Nightmare on Elm street was one of the best original slasher films that started the whole genre. Wes Craven was at one point a great horror director and could create tension so thick you could cut through it with Freddy’s razor gloves. The 2010 bastardized “re-imagining” was too dull to be a horror film. Too boring to be an action film and not clever enough to elicit laughs or suspense. Jackie Earl Haley is no Freddy Krueger. The two elements that made the original so great were Wes Craven and Robert Englund and they failed to even mention this remake to them. A little input would have been nice from the creators of the original. Not in Hollywood, the place where Battlefield Earth was expected to be the next Star Wars. These guys don’t know shit from Shinola.
This movie has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. For one thing the kid (Jaden Smith) is learning Kung-Fu not Karate. He repeatedly takes his jacket off and puts it back on as part of his Kung-Fu training and who could ever buy that a tough Detroit street kid with cornrows like Jaden Smith would EVER get bullied? This film has more plot holes than swiss cheese yet it somehow made a billion dollars and a trilogy is inevitable. The one positive thing about this film was at least they refused to bring back Ralph Macchio.
Watch the new Trailer for Footloose here. ( Oct 14, 2011)
Top 5 Revealing reasons why Michael Bay still has a job. The decline of Western Civilization as we know it.
There are unseen forces looming around us that are responsible for some of life’s many unanswered questions. Why do bad things happen to good people? How could George W. Bush ever have been re-elected? What exactly is the appeal of the idiotic Twilight series? Most importantly how could Michael Bay still have a job?
Many more questions like these are never going to be fully explained but the Movie Monkey will try to decipher why such a soulless director such as Michael Bay could still possibly be working in Hollywood making some of the most horrendous films of all time. After watching the moronic Transformers: Dark of the Moon, it has become an utter mystery why Michael Bay continues to be allowed to make movies. The fact that the movie has generated over $300 million just in the US, shows that the average American intellect has hit an all time low. The decline of western civilization is upon us and the snowball effect is in full force. The only logical thing to do is try to explain it scientifically.
Here is a list of the Top 5 Revealing reasons why Michael Bay still has a job.
#5 Societies intellect is on a sharp decline.
Our society can basically be broken up into two types of people. The 97% of average beer guzzling, Jerry Springer watching, Jersey Shore obsessed, unemployed fundamentalist morons who continue to reproduce at an alarming rate. Then there are the 3% of intelligent, self-aware, educated citizens who mockingly laugh at the banality of the common folk. The fact that you are reading this report right now and browsing my website proves without a shadow of a doubt that you my friend are part of the 3%. Congratulations to you and keep up the smart work. Unfortunately for us, there are millions of brain-dead moronic citizens (mostly males 13-34) that get titillated at the thought of huge shiny robots fighting incessantly and rescuing a heavily Botoxed supermodel who can not act along with a pencil neck geek who also can not act.
#4 His films have shiny metal objects and scantily clad women.
This is just an extension of number five. Along with the majority of society having the mental capacity of a lobotomy patient, they also suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. While watching a movie as unintelligible as Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon, or Transformers 2 Revenge of the Fallen or even the mind less Pearl Harbor, as soon as the audience begins to suspect that what they are watching is utter nonsense, along comes a loud metal robot fight, a huge explosion or a scantily clad supermodel parading on-screen to distort your train of thought. This is no accident. This is done with the 100% sole purpose of confusing you into thinking this movie is worth the $20 you just wasted while they robbed you of your future wealth and to also justify this monstrosity of a film as a valid form of entertainment.
#3 Rewriting history is just fine since the majority of Michael Bay fans don’t read anyway.
In 50 years our society will have devolved to such an extent that “classic” movies like Transformers 3 Dark of the Moon, Pearl Harbor, Armageddon and even The Island will be accepted as logical history lessons in school. We will have a future generation that truly believes that the Transformers were involved in the moon landing and world-famous Astronaut Ben Affleck saved our planet from a ravaging asteroid after having heroically survived the Pearl Harbor bombing.
#2 Product placement deals pay much more than a studio salary.
The majority of the 13-34 demographic that actually paid money to see the Transformers trilogy foolishly believed it was really cool that Bumblebee happened to transform into a 2011 Chevrolet Camaro instead of his original cartoon form of a Volkswagen Beetle. What these poor saps don’t understand is that the General Motors Corporation backed a Chevrolet Pickup truck filled with stacks of $100 dollar bills into Michael Bay’s driveway hoping he would make every single Transformer in the series into various GM made cars to try to save their failed car company. Volkswagen Corporation was not in such poor financial shape as GM and has never filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. They did not care if their cars where featured in such a ludicrous film so they offered Bay nothing. The GM plan worked. Every car in Transformers was a GM made car and the marketing ploy obviously worked judging by the endless series of shiny, poorly made gas guzzling GM cars you see on the road bought by none other than people from #5.
And the last Revealing reason why Michael Bay still has a job….
#1 Michael Bay is quite possibly the Anti-Christ.
There is simply no other logical reason his entire collection of brain-dead films all have a combined multibillion dollar gross. Back in 1995 before Bad Boys became an unexpected hit, he must have made a pact with Satan to become the most successful filmmaker of all time. But that tricky little Devil always has an ace up his sleeve and agreed to make him a successful director on the condition that his films would be mind less, shiny garbage only enjoyed by the lowest common denominator and he would never be taken seriously as a director. Bay just shrugged his shoulders and said “hey what the hell, these idiots won’t know any better.” You were absolutely right Michael. Absolutely right.
Michael Bay is truly the film-making Anti-Christ. The only reason they continue to allow him to Direct and Produce films is because his brain-dead fans continue to pile in and empty their pockets to go see his mindless rubbish. He didn’t even direct this cinematic train wreck! His company Platinum Dunes just produced it and hired some talentless hack as a puppet to direct this utter garbage. But his fingerprints are all over this heap of celluloid refuse.
Now I must admit. I am a huge fan of the original 1984 Nightmare. It ranks as one of my all time favorites. Robert Englund was truly terrifying in the original and gave me nightmares for years. Granted he degenerated more along the lines of a wise cracking, disfigured Snookie in the sequels but that is expected when you create 8 inferior sequels to a horror classic.
With this 2010 “re-imagining” (I love that buzz word BTW) they had a chance to bring back the demonically gleeful Freddy Krueger everyone loved from the original and transplant him to a modern setting with modern special FX. But what these geniuses did at the studio is they forgot the crucial ingredient which makes a good Nightmare film. ROBERT ENGLUND!
The man IS Freddy Krueger. There is no substitution. In a horror film such as Friday the 13th, Halloween, or even the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, the killer is behind a mask and is an interchangeable persona that could be played by anyone.
Carrot-Top could have played Jason Voorhees.
But Freddy Krueger is the one and only classically trained thespian Robert Englund. There is no doubt about it. He has played this part 8 times prior and knows the intricacies and nuances of his character like no other. Making the decision to replace him with the stone faced and expressionless Jackie Earl Haley was one of the biggest slaps to the face of the true fans I have yet to witness come from Hollywood.
And to top off the insult, they didn’t even consult with the man who created Freddy Krueger, Wes Craven. That is just blatant arrogance on the part of the film-makers and we all know what arrogance is, when ego meets Ignorance, and that my loyal Movie Monkeys does not make for a good film.
Avoid this cinematic dreck at all costs. Judging by the box office numbers we are almost certainly guaranteed a whole new series of 8 inferior sequels to an inferior re-imagining for a whole new generation of disappointed fans.
Hopefully in the next re-imagining of the latest Texas Chainsaw Massacre they will get Rob Schneider to play Leatherface.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) *
Directed by Samuel Bayer and produced by the Anti-Christ
Jackie Earl Haley, Rooney Mara