Posts Tagged ‘keitel’

8 of the Most Fucked Up movies you’ve never seen. (and probably shouldn’t see)

08/27/2011 2 comments

These movies were made for this Guy

It goes without saying that purchasing a video camera and shooting a movie is probably one of the easiest endeavors one can partake in these days. Anyone with a Visa card, a Best Buy nearby and a group of willing friends can become the next aspiring Scorsese. The movies on this list prove without a shadow of a doubt that ANYONE can make a movie if enough time, money and perverted creativity is exerted behind a video camera. The 8 movies on this list are not good by any means and if your fearless team here at Movie Monkey Shoot were not paid to watch movies we probably wouldn’t have sat through them to bring you this report and instead re-watch Fletch for the thousandth time. It would behoove you to read this report once, maybe twice and not seek out the opportunity to lose brain cells and become much more jaded with society by indulging in these pitiful attempts at art. You have been warned. Now bring me a bloody mary and a steak sandwich..and a steak sandwich.

8. I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

A remake of I Spit On Your Grave was released not even a year ago and fewer people went to see the remake than the original exercise in cinematic excrement. Apparently a 45 minute protracted gang rape scene followed by another 45 minutes of gruesome revenge isn’t as popular as 10 foot tall blue hippies from Pandora.

This guy is going to wish he had never gotten drunk and horny

7. Bad Lieutenant (1992)

Now ignore the 2009 neutered remake of Bad Lieutenant with Nick Cage and Eva Mendes, we’re talking about the 1992 nihilistic nightmare where Harvey Keitel does a heroin induced full frontal for 1 minute of screen time. Bad Lieutenant is the film where the coked out Keitel pulls over two under aged girls and makes them perform quasi-fellatio while he pulls his pud on the side of the road while investigating the rape of a nun. After you watch this movie you’ll feel the sudden urge to take a shower with a Brillo Pad.

Stay away from Crystal Meth or this could be you

6. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls isn’t really a movie as much as it is some devilishly creative jerk off (Director Lucifer Valentine) paying a failed bulimic hooker $100 bucks to constantly vomit on video among other guys he met at the local Wal-Mart that didn’t demand such a high salary. SVD is a 70 minute satanic orgy of regurgitated nonsense.

She'll cut your head off and vomit all over you

5. Caligula (1979)

Caligula is actually very loosely based on a true story which makes it that much more disturbing. If you’ve never seen a $20 million dollar Italian porn film with sadistic violence and endless fetishes and are even the slightest bit curious what it would play out like, watch Caligula the unrated version. You will not be disappointed I assure you. Remember back in middle school when we learned about the gigantic head clipping machines they used in Ancient Rome as a form of entertainment (ya neither do I), you will learn all about it in this incompetently “faithful” recreation of pagan Rome.

Before you get slightly aroused just remember that he's seducing his sister

4. Audition

Audition has apparently found a loyal cult following among the charming people you meet at a Gwar concert or already committed to the state mental hospital. If you can watch this entire film and not poke your own eyes out with the DVD remote than I applaud your bravery. Much like every other film on this list, Audition is a prolonged snuff film with a budget. Our heroine in this film enjoys such simple pleasures as keeping a dismembered guy hostage in a burlap sack, vomiting into a dog dish to feed him and cutting people’s feet off with a wire saw. If that sort of thing tickle’s your fancy, watch this movie before you get committed to Shutter Island.

She's got serious daddy issues


3. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Have you ever seen a girl vertically impaled on an 8 foot spike like a roast pig in a movie before? If you haven’t and are vaguely curious, watch Cannibal Holocaust but stay the hell away from this Monkey and the rest of the staff. We don’t want to meet you and frankly we’re quite scared of anyone that would be curious to watch this. This is the most snuffiest of the rest of the snuff films on this list, so much so that the director was arrested and almost sent to prison for murder charges until Johnnie Cochran proved his innocence. This film had not one but two strikes against it when it was released. Not only did the audience think it was a genuine snuff film, but they managed to seriously piss off PETA when they actually show various animal killings on-screen.

Rest assured, she is still alive and sitting on a bicycle seat and this is NOT a snuff film

2. Salo: The 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

If you’re confused about the above movie poster for Salo, rest assured it has NOT been photoshopped. The fascist dudes in the background are actually examining asses to find the best one to sodomize. Salo was on our list as the number one fucked up movie for years but apparently we found a film more deserving of that title so Salo has dropped to number two. In case you were wondering, Salo was based on a novel written by the Marquis de Sade who if you are not aware was a 18th century French aristocrat that wrote the novel while imprisoned for 30 years on the walls of his jail cell in his own feces no less. A perfect metaphor to the quality of this shit storm. Don’t be fooled by moronic pseudo intellectuals that tell you this is important filmmaking and a critique on society at large. Salo is a two-hour mind fuck of insane perversity’s disguised as social commentary.

Don't live in Fascist Italy, Lesson learned

The poor sap in the picture is getting his tongue cut out while getting gang raped by Italian fascists which is pretty much the feeling you get after watching this monstrosity. The apex of this movie is when one of the fascists drops a steaming load on the floor and makes one if his slaves eat it with a spoon while still fresh which is tantamount to what the director was telling his audience. Avoid this movie at all costs unless you’re contemplating suicide and need one final reason to pull the trigger.


1. The Human Centipede (2010)

Didn’t the asshole that directed The Human Centipede watch Clerks 2? You’re NEVER supposed to go ass to mouth. Apparently he never received the memo and he made an entire movie based on this simple premise. The Human Centipede is a film based on a crazed German Doctor whose hero is none other than Nazi Doctor Joseph Mengele who decides that the experiment that will win him the Nobel prize is surgically grafting three patients ass to mouth to form, yes you guessed it, The Human Centipede as the title implies. Apparently no studio in Hollywood or in the universe for that matter thought this was a good premise and the director had to shoot it in his bedroom with three actors you’ll probably never see again. The film tanked at the box office as the only people who paid money to see it are almost certain to be red dots on the sex predator website but apparently that won’t stop Director Tom Six from creating a trilogy of ass to mouth adventures.