Final Destination 5 (no stars)
Horror films have hit an all time low with this turkey. Now I may be wrong but the comical irony with such a flaming piece of horse turd such as Final Destination 5 is that the script was clearly written by 12-year-old boys, specifically for a 12-year-old audience who unfortunately can’t even get into the theater by themselves to see this since it’s Rated R.
If they would have rated this PG-13, they will undoubtably make a half a billion dollars.
Now please tell me whose idea it was to completely revamp the horror genre and suck every bit of suspense and terror from movies like this and replace it with over the top ridiculous murder scenes that aren’t the slightest bit scary but simply make you squirm incessantly hoping you don’t regurgitate the popcorn you just spent $12 dollars on?
Was it Eli Roth?
The creators of Saw 1 through Saw 25?
Michael Bay and Platinum Dunes?
I don’t know exactly who is to blame but somebody must pay for this cinematic travesty.
No longer do we have horror films that actually try to scare the audience. We now have counterfeit “horror” films in 3D that replace scares with endless scenes of bad soap opera actresses getting tortured with increasingly gruesome set pieces for the sole purpose of titillating pre-pubescent teenage boys designed by people who should be committed to the state mental institution.
Final Destination 5 was by far the worst horror film I have seen in some time and if this type of movie excites you and you leave the theater with a smile on your face or a burning desire to run to the internet and tell all of your cyber friends how awesome it was, please for humanity’s sake, DO NOT PROCREATE!
Final Destination 5 3D (No stars) (2011)
Directed by Steven Quale
Starring Tony Todd and a bunch of bad actors you hope you never see again.
Saying that Hollywood has completely run out of ideas is clearly stating the obvious. When they started turning failed 80’s cartoons and Disneyland theme park rides into movies was a clear sign that the Hollywood that we once knew was absolutely finished.
Rumor has it that in summer 2012 we are going to be subjected to an endless series of big budget movies based on…..get ready for this one…..Classic Board games! Yes you read that correctly. A film version of Monopoly and Battleship are currently in the works along with a required trilogy of preposterous films. That is surely one of the signs of a global movie disaster of epic proportions.
I have compiled a list of the Top 5 Upcoming Worthless Sequels that make me cringe at just the mere mention of them.
#5 Final Destination 5 (August 12, 2011)
Here is an old movie rule that the geniuses in Hollywood fail to remember. Whenever you are making a film with a “5” in the title, as in fifth sequel, nothing you can do or say will make this movie any good. Nothing!
Whose idea was it to even make Final Destination 1? The Monkey saw that movie when it first came out in 2000 and thought it was utter garbage yet here we are 11 years later with a 5th sequel to that ridiculous horror flick with absolutely no talent in front or behind the camera.
Lets just state the obvious shall we. These movies are made simply for the purpose of enhancing the chances that teenage boys will shell out $20 to have a mindless horror flick they can take their girlfriends to almost ensuring they will get nooky afterwards since the girlfriend will surely lose 20 IQ points along with her inhibitions during this 90 minute crap shoot.
This looks embarrassing.
#4 Ghost Rider 2: The Spirit of Vengeance (February 17, 2012)
I don’t think Nicholas Cage ever got the memo that he absolutely sucks now and should have retired from films back in 2002 after he played Charlie Kaufman. Seriously Nick, go travel the world and help out under privileged kids in Africa. Open a Kangaroo clinic in Australia. Go buy the bankrupt Greece and live in the Parthenon and pretend to be Alexander the Great. Run for Governor of California. Do something else besides movies! ANYTHING! You have the cash to accomplish all of this and much more.
Why do you keep releasing movies? You are not a good actor anymore. Leaving Las Vegas was probably the last great performance of your career and that was in 1995! Please Nick just go away. You could be helping mankind in so many different ways and not torturing your fans with terrible movies like this. Please read the memo.
No trailer available yet but watch Nick Cage try to break it down scientifically in this hilarious interview from Comic-Con 2011.
#3 Underworld 4: Awakening (January 20, 2012)
I don’t know what is worse. A movie about shiny leather clad Vampires or a movie about shiny leather clad Werewolves (excuse me, Lycans). Here we have both. This 4th installment and definitely not the last in the Underworld series will see the return of Kate Beckinsale. You can pretty much assume this will completely tank and hopefully end the series. This franchise should have at best been another failed TV series on Fox.
Not even the wooden plank of an actor Scott Speedman will be returning for this. That shows just how terrible this will probably be. I can only assume that Kate Beckinsale’s LA mansion is under foreclosure and she needed the quick paycheck to pay off the bank. That is the only logical reason that she would agree to star in this future train wreck.
No trailer available yet but here is the trailer to Underworld Evolution (2006). Expect more of the same shiny leather clad nonsense.
#2 Mission: Impossible 4 Ghost Protocol (December 16, 2011)
Scientology must truly be an outstanding religion. It has the amazing power to delude Tom Cruise into thinking that he still has legions of fans that want to see him swinging from rafters and jumping off exploding trains.
2010’s Knight & Day was terrible and made this Monkey want to scissor kick Tom Cruise on the side of the head.
What in the hell is a Ghost Protocol?!!?? I don’t know and I really don’t care. But I am almost certain there will be millions of salivating Mission: Impossible fans lining up this Christmas season and will walk away sorely disappointed and regretting the $20 dollars they just wasted to find out.
Brian De Palma was smart enough to give up on Tom Cruise after the first Mission: Impossible.
Note to Tom Cruise: Read the Nick Cage memo from #4 except your last great movie was Collateral in 2004.
#1 Raging Bull 2 (September 1, 2012)
Martin Scorsese must be rolling over in his grave. Oh wait he isn’t dead yet…..Well after watching this upcoming abomination next year I am sure he will wish he was. Arrogance is truly an amazing force in Hollywood. William Forsythe, after having co-starred with Robert De Niro in two movies now thinks he has the acting chops to step into his shoes and replace him as Jake Lamotta. Wow! This is truly mind-boggling.
De Niro gave one of the absolute BEST performances of all time as the outstanding boxer and tortured low life and deservedly won an Oscar among numerous other awards. Now we are going to be subjected to the 56-year-old Forsythe playing BOTH a younger version AND older version of Jake Lamotta in what is “A unique combination prequel and sequel that explores “before the rage” and “after the rage” of world middleweight boxing champ Jake LaMotta’s tumultuous life and times.”
How in the world is Forsythe even going to play a MIDDLEWEIGHT!?! Especially in his early years?!?!
He must weigh 300 pounds now, not to mention he’s 56!!
This is either just one big sick joke or more than likely will be a straight to DVD movie.
No trailer available yet. Here is the trailer to the 1980 masterpiece.
Note to Martin Scorsese: We love you and hope you never die and keep making great movies for another 50 years. p.s. Don’t you have the show business power to veto an obvious travesty like this? Please don’t tell us you approve of this nonsense.
If Collin Farrell doesn’t say my two all time favorite Total Recall one-liners from the 1990 Schwarzenegger original, I am going to go apeshit! This remake could go either way. I have mixed feelings about Collin Farrell and Arnold wasn’t the greatest actor to begin with so this could be hit or miss for me. Total Recall (2012) is directed by Len Wiseman of Underworld fame.