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Hollywood has officially bottomed out. They quit trying to impress us faster than the fat chick next door quit Nutri System. Movies are not released to inspire awe and wonder anymore. Movies are a marketing tool used by clueless studio heads to sell merchandise and video games to a generation of lackluster teens.
If you can’t smell the stench of failure like a piss soaked gym towel in the back seat of your car than you are in desperate need of a wake up call. The disenchanted writers at Movie Monkey Shoot have compiled a list of the 6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying for your reading pleasure. Hopefully this list inspires you to stop dropping a quarter of your paycheck every weekend supporting these swill merchants and use that money for something more productive. Like spending a coke fueled weekend in Vegas partying with 3 strippers and your best friends in the suite at the Bellagio. I’m just saying.
6. The unwelcome revival of the dark ages.
If you haven’t already read our list of the Top 20 Terrible remakes and sequels from the 80’s, read it here. For some inane reason, Hollywood has decided that the decade which brought us such disasters as Crack labs, Howard the Duck, Madonna and neon parachute pants is ripe for the picking. With such recent cinematic travesties as Conan the Barbarian, Nightmare on Elm Street and the upcoming Footloose reboot, Hollywood has proven that although generation X does not want to relive the dark ages, they are nevertheless going to cram it down our throats until we can taste nothing more than Alf’s taint.
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5. Ashton Kutcher still has a job.
Now the hilariously ironic thing about Ashton is that besides being the worst modern-day movie actor of our generation, he is also currently dragging his sack across the face of failed 80’s Brat Pack member #4 Demi Moore while watching St. Elmo’s Fire on constant repeat. This guy isn’t just a bad actor. He takes bad acting to an existential art form. The fact that he still gets a paycheck and cast in sub par rom-com’s proves that Hollywood doesn’t care the slightest bit to entertain us anymore. They figure that since Ashton can still hide his receding hairline beneath a mop of hair and is in somewhat semblance of good physical shape, millions of prepubescent girls will pay $12 bucks to see him fumble through his lines in the latest rom-com with Natalie Portman or Katherine Heigl. The perfect metaphor to Ashton’s movie career is that he is now performing sloppy seconds to a role made famous by Charlie Sheen on TV’s Two and a Half Men with Duckie as his sidekick.
Once upon a time there were actual screenwriters with storytelling talent that would spend countless hours punching away at a keyboard creating the next great American screenplay hoping that some Producer in Hollywood would finance their dream project. How else can you explain Pulp Fiction? Those days are long gone. In the 21st century film industry, films are decided first by a group of producers sitting in a hot tub smoking a blunt laced with cocaine. Then by a random focus group chosen from the outcasts of Maynardville, Tennessee whose only experience with the film industry is re-watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to decide what intellectual media property from our past should be turned into a feature film.
3. Shaky Cam Handheld Shots.
One of the greatest inventions the French ever gave to us besides the blow job is the film technique called “Cinéma vérité” where a natural, documentary style of filmmaking makes you think you are part of the action. Now in the 21st century that technique has been replaced with some dude with a violent twitch holding a camcorder shaking it incessantly to create the illusion of good filmmaking. To try to confuse the audience into thinking they are watching a thrilling movie, the producers have decided that panning shots, tracking shots and graceful camera movements are only for those artsy European filmmakers. American audiences want their information much quicker and with constant explosions to keep your mind constantly titillated so you ignore the fact that what you are watching is utter nonsense.
2. Classic Board Game Movie Adaptations
Do you remember playing the board game Battleship when the gigantic water aliens would pop out of the plastic board after you sank the Submarine with an A5? Neither do we but apparently the focus group that came up with a Battleship Movie felt it was imperative to the story to include these for the purpose of clever storytelling. Hopefully for us the Monopoly Movie is just a joke and this film ends the board game movie trend.
Regardless of what James Cameron and the journalistic wunderkind at Entertainment Weekly will lead you to believe, 3D technology is not the cutting edge of 21st century cinema. 3D movies have been around since the 50’s and they sucked just as bad back then as they do now. The only reason why we have had such a recent upsurge in the amount of 3D garbage released into theaters the last 3 years is because some intern at the studio had the brilliant idea that releasing EVERY movie (regardless if it needs it or not) in 3D instead of the normal 2D would decrease the amount of movie piracy and further increase the opening weekend box office numbers for the movie. Now this mode of action has had a negative two-pronged effect. Firstly, not everyone enjoys being constantly bombarded by 3D images along with paying extra money to see them, further increasing the migraine you leave the theater with. Therefore theater attendance has been significantly decreasing since the beginning of the new 3D craze. Secondly, more people would rather buy an HD flat screen and surround sound system with an $8 subscription to Netflix and watch movies at home than have to go see another dumb ass movie that had a post production 3D transfer further decreasing theater attendance.
If Hollywood doesn’t do something about the above problems, Movie theaters will soon be as empty as a 24 Hour Fitness in Corpus Christi, Texas.