With the release of not one but TWO movie remakes based on 1980’s films this past weekend (Fright Night & Conan the Barbarian) not to mention an additional 5 already in theaters, Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the top 20 terrible 80’s remakes/sequels of films that should have stayed in the dark ages. Now the ironic thing is that out of all the truly outstanding movies that came out of the 80’s i.e. Amadeus, E.T., Once Upon a Time in America etc. Hollywood chooses to remake all the dreadful garbage that came out of that decade for fear of a massive revolt by the fans.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hollywood has not only run out of solid ideas for films but has decided to go the tomato route and play it safe by remaking failed 80’s movies, TV shows, cartoons and even board games to cash in on the nostalgia factor for generation X and to further exploit that clever marketing gimmick of familiar brand recognition. If Hollywood does not stop remaking terrible 80’s movies and shows into horrendous 21st century garbage, I swear on Alf’s grave that I will stab Zach Morris in the neck with a knife if I have to sit through another failed 80’s reboot. Just stay away from Back to the Future and everything will be fine. Damn you Hollywood! If you were a person “I would flick you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.”
As if this needed to be mentioned, all of the movies on this list receive 1 star or less.
The A-Team for those of you lucky enough to not have been alive in the 80’s, was a cartoonish TV show about a group of mercenary’s on the run from the military getting into all sorts of mindless shenanigans. The show was mediocre at best and was rightfully cancelled after 5 seasons. Now the A-Team reboot was a 2010 summer blockbuster that tried to reinvigorate the diehard fans into possibly reviving the series for a 21st century incarnation. The film tanked at the box office and was a critical failure not to mention it happened to piss off the stars of the original series as being an unfaithful adaptation. I pity the fool who tries to remake this again.
Arthur was a 1980’s comedy starring Dudley Moore as the eponymous hero and an academy award-winning John Gielgud as Hobson. The 80’s version was rather charming and the main character was extremely likeable as the alcoholic playboy. Unfortunately for us the producers of the 2011 remake decided to cast the most unlikable and untalented Brit to take over the role made famous by Dudley Moore and cast Russel Brand. Nevertheless the Russel Brand shtick wore off immediately after Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the movie was a total failure.
Now unfortunately for the former Governator he was to wrapped up in his divorce scandal in 2011 to have any say whatsoever in this abomination of a remake to his 80’s classic. Had he not been consumed with trying to hide his illegitimate children from Maria, he would have used his power in Hollywood to veto the decision to hire a listless Hawaiian in the role he made famous and would have at least tried to get someone who took a few acting lessons beforehand. Not to say that Arnold is a talented thespian by any means, but he did embody the role of Conan the Barbarian and made the film fun to watch. The 2011 version plays out like a death march written by mental patients.
The king of Movie douchebags made his triumphant return in 2011 as Gordon Gekko was finally released from prison for insider trading in the mid 80’s. Wall Street was a film that said everything it had to say in the original and a sequel was completely unnecessary. The fact that Charlie Sheen shows up in a cameo made this sequel all the more horrific. What happened Oliver Stone? At one point you were the ballsiest director in Hollywood. Why did you have to completely neuter the legend of Gordon Gekko and release this cinematic travesty. Not only that but you cast the most obnoxious actor in the lead role opposite Michael Douglas. Shia Labeouf should stick to running away from shapeshifting robots and steer clear from serious movies.
Remaking Friday the 13th was inevitable since we have already seen about 15 sequels all declining in quality from its predecessor. After Jason Voorhees last failed attempt at terror in space with the horrendous Jason X, the geniuses at Hollywood decided to keep Jason in the closet for a few years before rebooting the franchise for a whole new generation of salivating fans. No such luck. The 2009 Friday the 13th was an utter critical failure yet managed to make $100 million at the box office so rest assured, Jason will be back in a slew of new sequels.
They ruined my childhood with this ghastly movie. Jason Lee as Dave? Enough said.
My Bloody Valentine 3D was lacking in the one crucial ingredient required of a good horror film. Suspense. This movie was just one eye gouging 3D murder after another without the least bit of concern in actually trying to scare the audience. The 1980’s original may have been Canadian cheese at its best but it still managed to scare the pants off every Canuck in the theater. 3D does not make a movie scary it only adds to the nausea.
This film was so bad that even director Robert Rodriguez took his name off as director and set up a fall guy with Hungarian director Nimrod Antal to take the blame for this attempt at trying to revive the Predator franchise. Rodriguez has proven time and time again that he is a smart man. Where was Alan Smithee when you needed him eh Rob Rod?
Miami Vice the movie was a failure on so many levels. Michael Mann’s attempt to revive the 80’s TV show for a new generation was to dark, to moody and not very exciting. Apparently the behind the scenes drama between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx (who was rumored to be extremely difficult to work with) spilled out into their performances and what we are left with is a soulless TV adaptation that could have been much better with two different actors in the lead. Please for the love of baby jesus don’t even try to make a sequel to this Mann. If any of your movies deserves a sequel it’s Heat.
Before you attempt to comment me back to hell, I am surely aware that Yogi Bear has been around since the 50’s. But your fearless movie blogger only started watching him in the 80’s with the Saturday morning cartoons so for argument’s sake we’ll say that Yogi Bear is an 80’s property. Now the 2010 movie remake was just failure in a bottle. Not even the 5-year-old target demographic was mildly amused by the terrible mis-casting of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo and this remake subsequently ended up on various worst of 2010 lists deservedly.
Where did Hollywood find Sam Worthington? Wherever it is they found him, can they please just take him back and let us forget we ever saw him. Worthington was adequate in Avatar. Adequate in the sense that the movie was so expensive with the creation of a giant race of blue people that James Cameron couldn’t afford to hire a decent actor in the main role of Jake Sully. Now the Clash of the Titans remake with Worthington in the main role as Perseus made the original actor Harry Hamlin look like Lawrence Olivier. This guy is just bad. He must have taken his acting lessons from 80’s reruns of Days of Our Lives. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes seemed embarrassed to be starring in this POS and phoned in their performances. I hope the vacation house in Bermuda they bought with this paycheck was well worth it.
The decline of societies intellect is nothing new. If you want undeniable proof that your average brain-dead TV fan is alive and well and voted for Dubya, The Dukes of Hazzard was at one point one of the most popular TV shows during the early 80’s. I don’t know if that speaks for the lack of quality of competing shows or the power of the Nielsen ratings when they drop off a ratings box at every trailer park in the South. This was the film debut of Jessica Simpson and sure enough she failed on all accounts and only made one more movie before retreating back to Top 40 Pop Music. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done Jessica next to dumping Nick Lachey, keep up the good work and stick to music.
Footloose (2011) hasn’t even been released yet but judging by the trailer this will definitely not be as popular as the 80’s version with Kevin Bacon. For one thing the storyline where dancing is banned and the hero decides to rebel is completely out dated. Dancing is not banned anywhere in the country so the plot is a moot point. Secondly, Zach Efron who is the king of High school musicals thought the script was so terrible he immediately dropped out from the lead role and was replaced by back up dancer and non actor Kenny Wormald??? This has the stench of failure written all over it. Watch the New Trailer at the end of this post and see for yourself. They think they can make a movie about the deep south without any obese rednecks missing teeth, a bunch of good-looking preppy kids that can dance and Dennis Quaid as a menacing preacher? Hollywood has completely lost their mind.
Now I’m not going to lie, the first Transformers movie in 2007 was highly entertaining and exciting. Shia LeBeouf was still relatively unknown so his kooky antics were still amusing. But Michael Bay decided that he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and released the horrendous sequels Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon completely tarnishing the reputation of the original film not to mention the 80’s cartoon series it was based on. The two sequels were so mindless and incoherent it was as if the Transformers were simply raping your ear drums for two and a half hours with useless dialogue and incomprehensible fight scenes. Honestly could you really tell the difference between an Autobot and Decepticon during the many tedious fight scenes? I couldn’t and I know I am not alone when I say this, I would have had much more fun throwing my 12 dollars into the toilet and repeatedly bashing my head into the bowl then have to sit through another 30 minute endless fight scene in 3D. Michael Bay we hate you!
How Corey Feldman could not tell that this direct to DVD sequel was going to further destroy his career is beyond me. The words “going straight to DVD” is like the cinematic kiss of death. Just ask Steven Seagal to attest to that as I am sure he knows that better than anyone. The original Lost Boys was a classic example of how to make a great horror/comedy vampire film and has become a cult classic among horror fans. The rumor of a sequel was floating around Hollywood for 20 years. I would have loved to see the proposed The Lost Girls that was rumored but no such luck. What the geniuses at Warner Brothers released was the red-headed step child of the late Corey Haim and a movie sequel abortion of epic proportions. When your main vampire is the half-witted brother of Kiefer Sutherland and the best line of dialogue is Corey Feldman screaming “Who ordered the Stake?”, you know you are in for a terrible ride down memory lane. Corey Haim must be rolling in his grave.
F*** YOU Raja Gosnell! You destroyed my beloved Smurfs from my childhood with this ridiculous adaptation that was clearly written by someone who has never even seen the original cartoons and has smoked way too much meth to function properly anymore. The normally hilarious Hank Azaria couldn’t even make this funny. Was he smoking meth too? That can be the only explanation for this ghastly mistake.
The original Prom Night was a great slasher film starring the orignal scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis. The 2008 remake had the amazingly bad soap opera actress and star of John Tucker Must Die Brittany Snow in the lead role. This was doomed from the moment it got the green light. The remake is utterly devoid of anything resembling scares, terror, suspense, acting, directing, etc.
Who told Kenan Thompson that he was funny? I know Bill Cosby didn’t. Joel Zwick was to busy counting his Benjie’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding to care. The fact that he is on SNL proves nothing. I mean seriously, Rob Schneider was on SNL. I think the only reason he was chosen to play Fat Albert is simply because he is young, black and starred in Good Burger. Those must have been the only three deciding factors when trying to find an actor to play Fat Albert. If they seriously wanted to get some laughs they should have put Jamie Foxx in a fat suit and you would have made a comic gem. I would have even accepted Eddie Murphy. But sadly all they could come up with was Kenan Thompson and Fat Albert bombed magnificently. Hopefully we never see a sequel.
The 1984 Nightmare on Elm street was one of the best original slasher films that started the whole genre. Wes Craven was at one point a great horror director and could create tension so thick you could cut through it with Freddy’s razor gloves. The 2010 bastardized “re-imagining” was too dull to be a horror film. Too boring to be an action film and not clever enough to elicit laughs or suspense. Jackie Earl Haley is no Freddy Krueger. The two elements that made the original so great were Wes Craven and Robert Englund and they failed to even mention this remake to them. A little input would have been nice from the creators of the original. Not in Hollywood, the place where Battlefield Earth was expected to be the next Star Wars. These guys don’t know shit from Shinola.
This movie has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. For one thing the kid (Jaden Smith) is learning Kung-Fu not Karate. He repeatedly takes his jacket off and puts it back on as part of his Kung-Fu training and who could ever buy that a tough Detroit street kid with cornrows like Jaden Smith would EVER get bullied? This film has more plot holes than swiss cheese yet it somehow made a billion dollars and a trilogy is inevitable. The one positive thing about this film was at least they refused to bring back Ralph Macchio.
Watch the new Trailer for Footloose here. ( Oct 14, 2011)
First look at Anne Hathaway as Catwoman in next years The Dark Knight Rises.
The Dark Knight Rises will be in theaters July 20, 2012.
Anne Hathaway looks like one sexy biker bitch! Eat your heart out Halle Berry and Michelle Pfeiffer.
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Top 5 Successful Batman Film Performances. Also an Exclusive New Trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Top 5 Most Successful Batman Film Performances.
Plus an Exclusive New Trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Batman has been an American icon since his first Comic book appearance in 1939 and adapted into all forms of media including films, TV, video games, etc. The feature films are the most well-known and have been played with varying levels of competency by numerous actors. With the upcoming release of his latest adventure The Dark Knight Rises (2012) the Movie Monkey has compiled a list detailing Batman’s Top 5 Most Successful film performances from worst to best.
#5 Batman & Robin (1997) George Clooney
The Batman film that brought back Batman’s alleged homoerotic undertones with a raging force. Directed by Joel Schumacher and starring George Clooney as Batman, this film introduced such inane details such as retractable ice skates, Batsuits with nipples, ice related puns and an awkward relationship between Batman and Robin. This film is in essence a commercial for kids toys on ecstasy that should have never been made. George Clooney was terrible as the caped crusader and this film killed the franchise for 8 years until the much darker and more realistic reboot Batman Begins in 2005.
#4 Batman: The Movie (1966) Adam West
The Campy classic version of Batman is sadly far superior to the Clooney and Schumacher disaster 30 years later. Based on the similarly campy TV show starring Adam West as Batman and Burt Ward as Robin the Boy Wonder. In this version of Batman, the dynamic duo waged battles with explosive rubber Sharks, killer Pirates, Catwoman, The Penguin, Riddler and their greatest villain The Joker all in a single movie. Adam West gives a classic campy portrayal of The Dark Knight carried over from the hit TV series.
#3 Batman Forever (1995) Val Kilmer
This film was the beginning of the downfall of the 90’s Batman. Val Kilmer took over as Batman while Schumacher replaced Tim Burton to create a neon lit Gotham City and a return to the 60’s campy portrayal. This film introduced us once again to The Riddler (Jim Carrey), Two Face (Tommy Lee Jones) and unfortunately brought Robin (Chris O’Donnell) back into the picture. Not as bad as the followup Batman & Robin but still an embarrassing portrayal of the Caped Crusader. Val Kilmer would only portray Batman in this one film and was mediocre at best.
#2 Batman (1989) Michael Keaton
This is by all account the film that introduced the dark Batman to a whole new generation of fans in the late 80’s. Although Michael Keaton was terribly miscast as Batman and Tim Burton clearly had never read any Batman comics but Jack Nicholson gave a great performance as the Joker. Even for all of its shortcomings the Monkey still has a soft spot for this film since it was the first big screen version of Batman to hit the screen during my younger years. The 1992 darker version Batman Returns followed with a sexy Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and a deranged Danny Devito playing The Penguin. Tim Burton would direct these two films before Joel Schumacher took over and destroyed the franchise.
#1 Batman Begins (2005) Christian Bale
The film that made Batman a dark, bad ass vigilante again. After the shameful Batman & Robin, director Christopher Nolan decided that Batman had to once again return to his roots as a dark and menacing vigilante. Christian Bale surely did not disappoint and portrayed the best Batman to date also starring in the even more successful sequel The Dark Knight and will finish the trilogy with 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises.
Anybody that knows movies and studies film history surely knows that Christian Bale is the best actor of the 21st Century. Bale loses himself in every film role and takes his method acting to a whole new level. Bale doesn’t just play a film role, he becomes that role through extensive preparation.
Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the Top 10 Incredible Christian Bale films with an exclusive Trailer for his upcoming film The Dark Knight Rises (2012).
#10 Rescue Dawn (2006) Werner Herzog ****
Very underrated film where Bale plays Dieter Dengler a US Pilot who is shot down in Laos during the Vietnam War. Taken hostage and held as a prisoner of war, he must face physical and psychological torture and has to plan his escape with a fellow American inmate. Excellent film directed by German filmmaker Werner Herzog.
#9 3:10 To Yuma (2007) James Mangold ***
Bale plays Dan Evans a Civil War veteran opposite Russell Crowe, who must hold an outlaw awaiting his train to face court in Yuma, Arizona during a tense confrontation. Excellent western directed by James Mangold.
#8 Public Enemies (2009) Michael Mann ****
In Public Enemies, Bale plays FBI Agent Melvin Purvis who is pursuing notorious bank robber John Dillinger (Johnny Depp) and his ruthless gang consisting of infamous gangsters Baby Face Nelson and Pretty Boy Floyd. Based on the true story and the early years of the FBI. Directed by master filmmaker Michael Mann.
#7 The Prestige (2006) Christopher Nolan ****
Christian Bale plays magician Alfred Borden opposite Hugh Jackman in this mystery thriller directed by Christopher Nolan about two rival magicians who engage in a series of competitions with tragic results. One of the best mysteries of recent years with an outstanding ending. This film definitely requires multiple viewings to grasp the complexity of the plot.
#6 The Dark Knight (2008) Christopher Nolan *****
In the amazing sequel to Batman Begins, Bale reunites with Christopher Nolan as Batman now faces his most ruthless adversary, The Joker (Heath Ledger) in the best Superhero film ever made.
#5 Harsh Times (2005) David Ayer *****
Bale’s gritty performance as ex-Army Ranger Jim Luther Davis was overshadowed by Batman Begins the same year. Bale plays a psychotic street thug suffering from post traumatic stress disorder who spends the days wasting his life and doing drugs with his loser best friend hoping for a job with Homeland Security. Great performance and one of his most underrated performances.
#4 Batman Begins (2005) Christopher Nolan*****
The film that gave a new life to Batman after the failed Batman & Robin. This film explores the origins of how Bruce Wayne (Bale) became Batman after studying extensively in far east Asia with Ra’s Al Gul in this outstanding reboot of the Batman legacy.
#3 The Machinist (2004) Brad Anderson *****
One of Bale’s best performances as insomniac factory worker Trevor Reznik who hasn’t slept in over a year becoming insanely frail and emaciated and having visions of a coworker who may or may not be real. Bale lost over 60 pounds and looks skeletal for his haunting performance.
#2 The Fighter (2010) David O. Russell *****
Bale gives a brutally raw performance as former Boxer and trainer Dicky Ecklund who is fiercely loyal to his younger brother and protegé Mickey Ward (Mark Wahlberg) but is struggling with a serious crack addiction. One of Bale’s best performance and his 2011 Oscar Winning performance. A sequel is rumored but wouldn’t really add anything to the story since Dicky cleans himself up by the end of the film and everything they had to say was told in this film.
#1 American Psycho (2000) Mary Harron *****
Christian Bale’s best performance to date as New York City serial killing yuppie Patrick Bateman. He spends his days working out furiously, barely working on Wall Street, hooking up and torturing hookers and killing random people while obsessing over his good looks, 80’s Pop music and his business cards.
Watch the Exclusive trailer to The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
The Dark Knight Rises (July 2012) Christopher Nolan
Ok I have to admit, I was utterly dismayed at the untimely death of the great Heath Ledger. His portrayal of the Joker in 2008’s The Dark Knight is one of the greatest performances ever captured on film. I was hoping, as I am sure most of you were that they were going to include unused footage from that film and bring him back to life at least for a few scenes for this film. Well no such luck. Regardless I am still looking forward to the conclusion to the trilogy The Dark Knight Rises (July 2012) and the return of the amazing characters you and I both love.
Christian Bale is of course returning as Bruce Wayne/Batman. (Who else could play Batman now?) Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Morgan Freeman are all set to return as allies of Bruce Wayne.
The casting of Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle/Catwoman strikes me as a bit odd but I remember thinking the same thing back in 2007 when I heard Heath Ledger was signed to play the Joker. Well we all know how that performance turned out so you can never be quite sure anymore. She may do an amazing job as the Catwoman far surpassing the great Michelle Pfeiffer from 1992’s Batman Returns and she will definitely do better than Halle Berry in that horrendous 2004 Catwoman movie. I have 100% faith in Christopher Nolan that he knows what he is doing when he casts a specific actor for a role. This may very well turn out to be even bigger than the previous installment.
Or you never know it could go the Spider-Man 3 route and completely ruin the Batman legacy. Highly unlikely but still a possibility.
Watch the trailer below and leave comments with your thoughts.
The Fighter *****
Method actors are truly the 8th wonder of the world. While watching The Fighter, one of the best movies of 2010, I couldn’t help but wonder if the incredible Christian Bale really was smoking crack and jumping out of windows during his preparation for his role as former boxer and trainer Dicky Ecklund. This man is no longer just an actor. He is a force to be reckoned with. I don’t think I have ever witnessed an actor immerse themselves and completely lose themselves in a role since the great Robert De Niro in Raging Bull.
I know what your thinking, the great Robert De Niro is an oxymoron, but believe me Movie Monkeys, at one point in his career before he was getting poked in the dick with a needle by Ben Stiller, De Niro was an amazing method actor.
Christian Bale in his quest to become the most committed and talented Method Actor of this generation and next, summons the courage and dedication of a young Marlon Brando. This man is truly amazing. His Best Supporting Actor Oscar was definitely well earned.
The Fighter tells the incredible true story of former welterweight WBU boxing champ Mickey Ward and his struggles inside and out of the ring with his eccentric Lowell, Massachusetts family including the aforementioned drug addict and half-brother Dicky Ecklund.
With any other mediocre Hollywood actors this would have been just another underdog sports film, but what these actors do with this excellent script is truly sublime. Each actor brings an intensity to their performance rarely seen in modern cinema anymore. Mark Wahlberg has reached a new level of acting with his humble and honest portrayal of the torn Mickey Ward. His dysfunctional but loving family is the only thing keeping him from achieving true greatness but yet he can’t bring himself to leave them until he finds his one true love that gives him the motivation to actually want to make something of his fading career. This struggle forms the basis of one of modern cinemas truly great dramas. Amy Adams plays Mickey Ward’s tough talking but extremely supportive Boston girlfriend to perfection while the amazing Melissa Leo (another very deserving Oscar winner) portrays the overbearing and misguided mother who is in completely denial over her son’s shortcomings, to a whole new level of acting. They could not have picked better actor’s for this film. While watching this film the viewer is witness to a superb acting clinic before your very eyes.
As in most Boxing movies (the good ones no less) the actual boxing aspect of the story takes a backseat to the tragedy and triumphs of these characters lives outside of the ring. The direction by the extremely talented and short tempered David O. Russel is superb. He knows how to elicit a remarkable performance from his actors. The set design, cinematography, even the music are all top notch. The fact that the film-makers could convince the notoriously protective Led Zeppelin to allow them to use “Good Times, Bad Times” during one of the films most important scenes speaks volumes to the quality of this film. If you have not already seen this amazing film SEE IT NOW! You will not be disappointed.
The Fighter (2010)
Drama, Biography, Sports
Directed by David O. Russell
Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Melissa Leo