Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Captain America’

6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying

08/30/2011 Leave a comment

Stay up to date with everything thats going on at Movie Monkey Shoot.

Visit our main site and stay connected with Facebook and Twitter.

 

www.moviemonkeyshoot.net

 

 

Hollywood has officially bottomed out. They quit trying to impress us faster than the fat chick next door quit Nutri System. Movies are not released to inspire awe and wonder anymore. Movies are a marketing tool used by clueless studio heads to sell merchandise and video games to a generation of lackluster teens.

If you can’t smell the stench of failure like a piss soaked gym towel in the back seat of your car than you are in desperate need of a wake up call. The disenchanted writers at Movie Monkey Shoot have compiled a list of the 6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying for your reading pleasure. Hopefully this list inspires you to stop dropping a quarter of your paycheck every weekend supporting these swill merchants and use that money for something more productive. Like spending a coke fueled weekend in Vegas partying with 3 strippers and your best friends in the suite at the Bellagio. I’m just saying.

6. The unwelcome revival of the dark ages.

If you haven’t already read our list of the Top 20 Terrible remakes and sequels from the 80’s, read it here. For some inane reason, Hollywood has decided that the decade which brought us such disasters as Crack labs, Howard the Duck, Madonna and neon parachute pants is ripe for the picking. With such recent cinematic travesties as Conan the Barbarian, Nightmare on Elm Street and the upcoming Footloose reboot, Hollywood has proven that although generation X does not want to relive the dark ages, they are nevertheless going to cram it down our throats until we can taste nothing more than Alf’s taint.

Get 20% off $25 in movie tickets when you use your Visa Signature card.

Coming soon to a theater near you

5. Ashton Kutcher still has a job.

Now the hilariously ironic thing about Ashton is that besides being the worst modern-day movie actor of our generation, he is also currently dragging his sack across the face of failed 80’s Brat Pack member #4 Demi Moore while watching St. Elmo’s Fire on constant repeat. This guy isn’t just a bad actor. He takes bad acting to an existential art form. The fact that he still gets a paycheck and cast in sub par rom-com’s proves that Hollywood doesn’t care the slightest bit to entertain us anymore. They figure that since Ashton can still hide his receding hairline beneath a mop of hair and is in somewhat semblance of good physical shape, millions of prepubescent girls will pay $12 bucks to see him fumble through his lines in the latest rom-com with Natalie Portman or Katherine Heigl. The perfect metaphor to Ashton’s movie career is that he is now performing sloppy seconds to a role made famous by Charlie Sheen on TV’s Two and a Half Men with Duckie as his sidekick.

I hate sloppy seconds


4. Movies are now created by focus groups not screenwriters.

Now raise your hand if you think a Punky Brewster reboot is a good idea

Once upon a time there were actual screenwriters with storytelling talent that would spend countless hours punching away at a keyboard creating the next great American screenplay hoping that some Producer in Hollywood would finance their dream project. How else can you explain Pulp Fiction? Those days are long gone. In the 21st century film industry, films are decided first by a group of producers sitting in a hot tub smoking a blunt laced with cocaine. Then by a random focus group chosen from the outcasts of Maynardville, Tennessee whose only experience with the film industry is re-watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to decide what intellectual media property from our past should be turned into a feature film.

This guy is helping Hollywood decide what movies we will soon see

3. Shaky Cam Handheld Shots.

One of the greatest inventions the French ever gave to us besides the blow job is the film technique called “Cinéma vérité” where a natural, documentary style of filmmaking makes you think you are part of the action. Now in the 21st century that technique has been replaced with some dude with a violent twitch holding a camcorder shaking it incessantly to create the illusion of good filmmaking. To try to confuse the audience into thinking they are watching a thrilling movie, the producers have decided that panning shots, tracking shots and graceful camera movements are only for those artsy European filmmakers. American audiences want their information much quicker and with constant explosions to keep your mind constantly titillated so you ignore the fact that what you are watching is utter nonsense.

Read: This movie sucks so bad it'll make you vomit


2. Classic Board Game Movie Adaptations

Do you remember playing the board game Battleship when the gigantic water aliens would pop out of the plastic board after you sank the Submarine with an A5? Neither do we but apparently the focus group that came up with a Battleship Movie felt it was imperative to the story to include these for the purpose of clever storytelling. Hopefully for us the Monopoly Movie is just a joke and this film ends the board game movie trend.

1. 3D

Regardless of what James Cameron and the journalistic wunderkind at Entertainment Weekly will lead you to believe, 3D technology is not the cutting edge of 21st century cinema. 3D movies have been around since the 50’s and they sucked just as bad back then as they do now. The only reason why we have had such a recent upsurge in the amount of 3D garbage released into theaters the last 3 years is because some intern at the studio had the brilliant idea that releasing EVERY movie (regardless if it needs it or not) in 3D instead of the normal 2D would decrease the amount of movie piracy and further increase the opening weekend box office numbers for the movie. Now this mode of action has had a negative two-pronged effect. Firstly, not everyone enjoys being constantly bombarded by 3D images along with paying extra money to see them, further increasing the migraine you leave the theater with. Therefore theater attendance has been significantly decreasing since the beginning of the new 3D craze. Secondly, more people would rather buy an HD flat screen and surround sound system with an $8 subscription to Netflix and watch movies at home than have to go see another dumb ass movie that had a post production 3D transfer further decreasing theater attendance.

Take THAT movie pirates!

If Hollywood doesn’t do something about the above problems, Movie theaters will soon be as empty as a 24 Hour Fitness in Corpus Christi, Texas.

Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies

08/16/2011 Leave a comment

I have a soft spot for Superhero films, especially Marvel Superhero films. With the exception of Batman and Superman, DC comics is basically a turd sandwich full of mediocre superheroes. Marvel comics has always been the superior franchise although some of the movies would prove otherwise. With every Spider-Man 2 and X-Men, there are the ludicrous Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Thor, Howard the Duck etc..

Here is a list of the Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies of all time.

15. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Spider-Man 3 was an abomination of epic proportions substituting the heart of the first two films with self-indulgent emo nonsense. Peter Parker is actually EMO in this movie! The only thing they were missing was having him wear skinny jeans and cut himself in the closet while trying to overdose on Tylenol PM. Terrible movie and not even Thomas Haden Church could have saved this film.

14. Ghost Rider (2007)

Ghost Rider is actually a blessing in disguise. For all the moronic one liners and pointing out into the darkness from Nick Cage, he actually just destroyed a second tier comic book hero instead of starring as Superman and destroying an American icon like originally planned. This turkey was so bad the best villain they could find was an over the hill Peter Fonda and the heroin monkey from American Beauty. Nice try Cage. Just stay away from Superman. A sequel is on the way February 2012.

13. Green Lantern (2011)

Green Lantern has so far made many lists as one of the worst films of 2011 and the year isn’t even over yet. Ryan Reynolds took a third-rate DC superhero and turned it into a 4th rate movie franchise. Not even with Bond director Martin Campbell at the helm did this movie have a shot at glory.

12. Fantastic Four (1994)

I have to admit that none of the Fantastic Four films released starring Jessica Alba and Chris Evans are any good aside from being mildly amusing. However this unreleased 1994 Fantastic Four adaptation that was filmed with $25 bucks and a broken Camcorder produced by Roger Corman was the bottom of the barrel. This film was so bad that it actually never made it to theaters nor DVD. It is only available through bootlegs and you can watch it in its entirety here in all its awful goodness. To be quite honest if you have a few drinks before watching it, this will be one of the most hilarious films you will ever watch.

Watch the Entire 1994 Unreleased Fantastic Four bootleg version here.

11. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003)

This movie was so atrocious that it forced the once great actor Sean Connery to completely renounce Hollywood, retire from acting and has been on a self-imposed exile in the Bahamas since the release of this deplorable film. Connery was so embarrassed by this movie that he has yet to make another film and will more than likely never be seen again. What a shame, aside from his views on occasionally beating your wife, Connery was a damn fine actor.

10. Thor (2011)

Who in the hell is this guy they picked to play Thor? A wax statue has more emotional range than this Abercrombie and Fitch reject. What was Natalie Portman thinking agreeing to this? Thor joins the Green Lantern as one of the worst films of 2011 and one of the worst Marvel films to come out in over a decade. This movie proves my point that Hollywood studio control over talented directors is a severe impediment to creative filmmaking. If the suits at the studio had just left Kenneth Branagh alone and let him do his Hamlet thing, this could have been up there with The Dark Knight.

9. Elektra (2005)

I don’t think Jennifer Garner ever got the memo that she was a terrible actress and it would be in her best interest to retire from the big screen and concentrate on raising Ben Affleck’s offspring as opposed to boring us to death with her incessant rambling. Elektra is the pinnacle of her career and it failed miserably. This movie was so bad they even screwed up her hair and gave her ridiculous bangs drooping over her eyes trying to hide her shame from starring in this crap fest.

8. Captain America (1990)

Now long before Chris Evans redeemed himself from the Fantastic Four films and made the far superior 2011 Captain America reboot, there was this atrocious 1990 low-budget version starring Matt Salinger. You know what CaptaiN America’s super powers are in this film? He can feign illness and car jack you at a moments notice. The main villain The Red Skull looks like a burn victim suffering from Italian dementia.

7. The Punisher (1989,2004,2008)

The Punisher character is almost as cursed as the film adaptations created about him. There has so far been 3 Punisher films and not one of them is even halfway decent. The 1989 version starred the listless Ivan Drago as the Punisher and they forgot to include his iconic skull shirt. The 2004 version starred the gay drug addict from Boogie Nights and the worst actor of our generation as the villain the ham-fisted John Travolta chewing up scenery like it was Bubblicious. The 2008 sequel was even worse than the aforementioned films. The Punisher just can’t catch a break. I can only assume that in the next Punisher film, they will cast Fez from That 70’s Show as the Punisher and keep the legacy alive.

6. Judge Dredd (1995)

“I AM the LAW!!!(severe slur)” Judge Dredd was such a terrible movie premise that the only action star willing to star was Sly the ex porn star and Rob Schneider as his unwilling sidekick. There are not enough words to describe how bad this film is.

5. Batman & Robin (1997)

Batman & Robin is like the Glee: 3D Concert Movie of the Batman franchise. Everything about this movie is terribly wrong but still absolutely fabulous. How George Clooney and Uma Thurman managed to survive this catastrophe unscathed is a miracle of modern science. However for Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elle Macpherson and Joel Schumacher, this movie completely destroyed their movie careers. This movie is so bad, in the opening minutes, we find out Batman now has nipples on his Batsuit and retractable Ice Skates from his boots just in case he ever gets forced to fight on a hockey rink. Which he actually does in the first 10 minutes.

4. Catwoman (2004)

Poor Halle Berry fell victim to the Oscar curse. The superstition states that most great actresses, after kicking ass in a movie and winning an Oscar for Best Actress, they will invariably follow that up with a terrible action or comedy movie completely wiping out all credibility of the Oscar they had previously won. It happened to Charlize Theron with Aeon Flux, Natalie Portman with Thor, Nicole Kidman with Bewitched, Hilary Swank with The Reaping and of course Halle Berry with Catwoman. This film was doomed from day one the day they signed some pretentious French director named Pitof who only goes by one name as if he was Cher to helm this crap.

3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Christopher Reeve will always be Superman. Brandon Routh nor the upcoming Man of Steel with Henry Cavill will ever surpass the original Superman Christopher Reeve. Unfortunately for Reeve who was coerced by the failing studio to star in this ludicrous fourth installment on the pretense they would finance his pet project 1987’s Street Smart. Unfortunately for the late Chris Reeve, both movies were flops and sent Cannon Films into bankruptcy a few years after this disaster.

2. Howard the Duck (1986)

One of the great mysteries of life is how this cinematic abortion was created by a graduate of the prestigious USC Film school who worked on such classics as Star Wars and wrote the screenplay to Indiana Jones and American Graffiti. Howard the Duck is a classic example of a pompous director not respecting the source material and trying to dumb it down for the audience and having it blow up in his face. The director Willard Huyck has yet to recover from this fiasco and has not directed another movie since this 1986 bomb.

1. Daredevil (2003)

Daredevil is the greatest disappointment on this list simply because Daredevil is such a complex character and would have been an outstanding superhero film with the guidance of a talented director and star. But unfortunately we got Mark Steven Johnson and Ben Affleck. Two talentless hacks who shouldn’t even be allowed to buy a digital camera let alone be given several with millions of dollars to flush down the toilet creating this sorry excuse for a superhero film. Hopefully Affleck learns his lesson and never returns as Daredevil.

Captain America:The First Avenger (2011): Ferocious jingoism at its finest.

07/24/2011 19 comments

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

I like Chris Evans. I think the guy is absolutely hilarious in everything he stars in. His sarcastic banter was the only worthwhile addition to the abysmal Fantastic Four films (and of course Jessica Alba’s perfectly shaped buttocks) that made that film even remotely watchable.

Evans was simply born to play these type of roles.

So with that I bring you the latest installment from the Marvel Studios juggernaut. Captain America: The First Avenger.  Starring Chris Evans as the titular hero, the always outstanding Tommy Lee Jones as Colonel Chester Philips, the menacing Hugo Weaving as Nazi Super villain Red Skull and of course this Movie Monkey’s ultimate film hero Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury.

If you are searching for a film with an intense character study, emotional depth and intriguing plot, look elsewhere.

If you simply need to turn your brain off for two hours and enjoy the latest installment of state of the art CGI, shallow characterizations, silly dialogue and the always popular textbook happy ending. This is your film.

Not to mention a savage jingoism that makes you want to stand up and yell, “AMERICA, HELL YA!!!” when the film reaches the credits.

Now I understand these type of films are not meant for serious film scholars to critique incessantly. This is simply a great way to spend 2 hours and get a much-needed escape from high gas prices, a dismal economy, a never-ending war and mindless reality garbage on TV.

If you are not familiar with the legend of Captain America, let me bring you up to speed. Steve Rogers (Evans) is a fiercely patriotic American with a thirst for war and to defeat Hitler and his band of evil Nazi’s whose plan includes genocide and world domination. Unfortunately our hero is a pencil neck geek who gets refused military service on the grounds that, well he is a pencil neck geek. In comes the top-secret “Super Soldier” program which magically turns our hero into a living Greek statue and we now have the makings of the next American patriot Super-hero to battle cartoon villainy.

In comes the required villain played by the always popular Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith) and a few plot points lifted from several classic Captain America comics and you now have the latest blockbuster installment in the Marvel Studios franchise.

I am sure this film will make half a billion dollars and we will be subjected to a trilogy of Captain America films each declining in quality from its predecessor. That is expected. But what this film accomplishes that so many other films in this genre fail to realize (Ghost Rider), it makes us love going to the movies.

Check out the trailer below:

Interesting bit of movie geek history. This is not the first film adaptation of America’s greatest super-hero. Check out 1990’s failed Captain America film directed by Albert Pyun starring the car jacking and listless Matt Salinger in the title role and Darren (FRA-JILLY) McGavin, in what was surely one of the many reasons Marvel Comics was on the verge of bankruptcy during the late 90’s until the release of 2000’s X-Men. Just plain bad movie making at it’s all time best.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

124 Minutes

Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

Directed by Joe Johnston

Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Samuel L. Jackson, Hugo Weaving, Hayley Atwell