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The Revenge of the 80’s. Top 20 terrible remakes/sequels from the dark ages.

08/25/2011 Leave a comment

With the release of not one but TWO movie remakes based on 1980’s films this past weekend (Fright Night & Conan the Barbarian) not to mention an additional 5 already in theaters, Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the top 20 terrible 80’s remakes/sequels of films that should have stayed in the dark ages. Now the ironic thing is that out of all the truly outstanding movies that came out of the 80’s i.e. Amadeus, E.T., Once Upon a Time in America etc. Hollywood chooses to remake all the dreadful garbage that came out of that decade for fear of a massive revolt by the fans.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hollywood has not only run out of solid ideas for films but has decided to go the tomato route and play it safe by remaking failed 80’s movies, TV shows, cartoons and even board games to cash in on the nostalgia factor for generation X and to further exploit that clever marketing gimmick of familiar brand recognition. If Hollywood does not stop remaking terrible 80’s movies and shows into horrendous 21st century garbage, I swear on Alf’s grave that I will stab Zach Morris in the neck with a knife if I have to sit through another failed 80’s reboot. Just stay away from Back to the Future and everything will be fine. Damn you Hollywood! If you were a person “I would flick you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.”

As if this needed to be mentioned, all of the movies on this list receive 1 star or less.

20. The A-Team (2010)

The A-Team for those of you lucky enough to not have been alive in the 80’s, was a cartoonish TV show about a group of mercenary’s on the run from the military getting into all sorts of mindless shenanigans. The show was mediocre at best and was rightfully cancelled after 5 seasons. Now the A-Team reboot was a 2010 summer blockbuster that tried to reinvigorate the diehard fans into possibly reviving the series for a 21st century incarnation. The film tanked at the box office and was a critical failure not to mention it happened to piss off the stars of the original series as being an unfaithful adaptation. I pity the fool who tries to remake this again.

19. Arthur (2011)

Arthur was a 1980’s comedy starring Dudley Moore as the eponymous hero and an academy award-winning John Gielgud as Hobson. The 80’s version was rather charming and the main character was extremely likeable as the alcoholic playboy. Unfortunately for us the producers of the 2011 remake decided to cast the most unlikable and untalented Brit to take over the role made famous by Dudley Moore and cast Russel Brand. Nevertheless the Russel Brand shtick wore off immediately after Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the movie was a total failure.

18. Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Now unfortunately for the former Governator he was to wrapped up in his divorce scandal in 2011 to have any say whatsoever in this abomination of a remake to his 80’s classic. Had he not been consumed with trying to hide his illegitimate children from Maria, he would have used his power in Hollywood to veto the decision to hire a listless Hawaiian in the role he made famous and would have at least tried to get someone who took a few acting lessons beforehand. Not to say that Arnold is a talented thespian by any means, but he did embody the role of Conan the Barbarian and made the film fun to watch. The 2011 version plays out like a death march written by mental patients.

17. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)

The king of Movie douchebags made his triumphant return in 2011 as Gordon Gekko was finally released from prison for insider trading in the mid 80’s. Wall Street was a film that said everything it had to say in the original and a sequel was completely unnecessary. The fact that Charlie Sheen shows up in a cameo made this sequel all the more horrific. What happened Oliver Stone? At one point you were the ballsiest director in Hollywood. Why did you have to completely neuter the legend of Gordon Gekko and release this cinematic travesty. Not only that but you cast the most obnoxious actor in the lead role opposite Michael Douglas. Shia Labeouf should stick to running away from shapeshifting robots and steer clear from serious movies.

16. Friday the 13th (2009)

Remaking Friday the 13th was inevitable since we have already seen about 15 sequels all declining in quality from its predecessor. After Jason Voorhees last failed attempt at terror in space with the horrendous Jason X, the geniuses at Hollywood decided to keep Jason in the closet for a few years before rebooting the franchise for a whole new generation of salivating fans. No such luck. The 2009 Friday the 13th was an utter critical failure yet managed to make $100 million at the box office so rest assured, Jason will be back in a slew of new sequels.

15. Alvin & the Chipmunks (2008)

They ruined my childhood with this ghastly movie. Jason Lee as Dave? Enough said.

14. My Bloody Valentine (2009)

My Bloody Valentine 3D was lacking in the one crucial ingredient required of a good horror film. Suspense. This movie was just one eye gouging 3D murder after another without the least bit of concern in actually trying to scare the audience. The 1980’s original may have been Canadian cheese at its best but it still managed to scare the pants off every Canuck in the theater. 3D does not make a movie scary it only adds to the nausea.

13. Predators (2010)

This film was so bad that even director Robert Rodriguez took his name off as director and set up a fall guy with Hungarian director Nimrod Antal to take the blame for this attempt at trying to revive the Predator franchise. Rodriguez has proven time and time again that he is a smart man. Where was Alan Smithee when you needed him eh Rob Rod?

12. Miami Vice (2006)

Miami Vice the movie was a failure on so many levels. Michael Mann’s attempt to revive the 80’s TV show for a new generation was to dark, to moody and not very exciting. Apparently the behind the scenes drama between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx (who was rumored to be extremely difficult to work with) spilled out into their performances and what we are left with is a soulless TV adaptation that could have been much better with two different actors in the lead. Please for the love of baby jesus don’t even try to make a sequel to this Mann. If any of your movies deserves a sequel it’s Heat.

11. Yogi Bear (2010)

Before you attempt to comment me back to hell, I am surely aware that Yogi Bear has been around since the 50’s. But your fearless movie blogger only started watching him in the 80’s with the Saturday morning cartoons so for argument’s sake we’ll say that Yogi Bear is an 80’s property. Now the 2010 movie remake was just failure in a bottle. Not even the 5-year-old target demographic was mildly amused by the terrible mis-casting of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo and this remake subsequently ended up on various worst of 2010 lists deservedly.

10. Clash of the Titans (2010)

Where did Hollywood find Sam Worthington? Wherever it is they found him, can they please just take him back and let us forget we ever saw him. Worthington was adequate in Avatar. Adequate in the sense that the movie was so expensive with the creation of a giant race of blue people that James Cameron couldn’t afford to hire a decent actor in the main role of Jake Sully. Now the Clash of the Titans remake with Worthington in the main role as Perseus made the original actor Harry Hamlin look like Lawrence Olivier. This guy is just bad. He must have taken his acting lessons from 80’s reruns of Days of Our Lives. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes seemed embarrassed to be starring in this POS and phoned in their performances. I hope the vacation house in Bermuda they bought with this paycheck was well worth it.

9. The Dukes of Hazard (2005)

The decline of societies intellect is nothing new. If you want undeniable proof that your average brain-dead TV fan is alive and well and voted for Dubya, The Dukes of Hazzard was at one point one of the most popular TV shows during the early 80’s. I don’t know if that speaks for the lack of quality of competing shows or the power of the Nielsen ratings when they drop off a ratings box at every trailer park in the South. This was the film debut of Jessica Simpson and sure enough she failed on all accounts and only made one more movie before retreating back to Top 40 Pop Music. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done Jessica next to dumping Nick Lachey, keep up the good work and stick to music.

8. Footloose (2011)

Footloose (2011) hasn’t even been released yet but judging by the trailer this will definitely not be as popular as the 80’s version with Kevin Bacon. For one thing the storyline where dancing is banned and the hero decides to rebel is completely out dated. Dancing is not banned anywhere in the country so the plot is a moot point. Secondly, Zach Efron who is the king of High school musicals thought the script was so terrible he immediately dropped out from the lead role and was replaced by back up dancer and non actor Kenny Wormald??? This has the stench of failure written all over it. Watch the New Trailer at the end of this post and see for yourself. They think they can make a movie about the deep south without any obese rednecks missing teeth, a bunch of good-looking preppy kids that can dance and Dennis Quaid as a menacing preacher? Hollywood has completely lost their mind.

7. Transformers 1,2 & 3 (2007,2009,2011)

Now I’m not going to lie, the first Transformers movie in 2007 was highly entertaining and exciting. Shia LeBeouf was still relatively unknown so his kooky antics were still amusing. But Michael Bay decided that he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and released the horrendous sequels Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon completely tarnishing the reputation of the original film not to mention the 80’s cartoon series it was based on. The two sequels were so mindless and incoherent it was as if the Transformers were simply raping your ear drums for two and a half hours with useless dialogue and incomprehensible fight scenes. Honestly could you really tell the difference between an Autobot and Decepticon during the many tedious fight scenes? I couldn’t and I know I am not alone when I say this, I would have had much more fun throwing my 12 dollars into the toilet and repeatedly bashing my head into the bowl then have to sit through another 30 minute endless fight scene in 3D. Michael Bay we hate you!

6. The Lost Boys the Tribe & the Thirst (2008,2010)

How Corey Feldman could not tell that this direct to DVD sequel was going to further destroy his career is beyond me. The words “going straight to DVD” is like the cinematic kiss of death. Just ask Steven Seagal to attest to that as I am sure he knows that better than anyone. The original Lost Boys was a classic example of how to make a great horror/comedy vampire film and has become a cult classic among horror fans. The rumor of a sequel was floating around Hollywood for 20 years. I would have loved to see the proposed The Lost Girls that was rumored but no such luck. What the geniuses at Warner Brothers released was the red-headed step child of the late Corey Haim and a movie sequel abortion of epic proportions. When your main vampire is the half-witted brother of Kiefer Sutherland and the best line of dialogue is Corey Feldman screaming “Who ordered the Stake?”, you know you are in for a terrible ride down memory lane. Corey Haim must be rolling in his grave.

5. The Smurfs (2011)

F*** YOU Raja Gosnell! You destroyed my beloved Smurfs from my childhood with this ridiculous adaptation that was clearly written by someone who has never even seen the original cartoons and has smoked way too much meth to function properly anymore. The normally hilarious Hank Azaria couldn’t even make this funny. Was he smoking meth too? That can be the only explanation for this ghastly mistake.

4. Prom Night (2008)

The original Prom Night was a great slasher film starring the orignal scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis. The 2008 remake had the amazingly bad soap opera actress and star of John Tucker Must Die Brittany Snow in the lead role. This was doomed from the moment it got the green light. The remake is utterly devoid of anything resembling scares, terror, suspense, acting, directing, etc.

3. Fat Albert (2004)

Who told Kenan Thompson that he was funny? I know Bill Cosby didn’t. Joel Zwick was to busy counting his Benjie’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding to care. The fact that he is on SNL proves nothing. I mean seriously, Rob Schneider was on SNL. I think the only reason he was chosen to play Fat Albert is simply because he is young, black and starred in Good Burger. Those must have been the only three deciding factors when trying to find an actor to play Fat Albert. If they seriously wanted to get some laughs they should have put Jamie Foxx in a fat suit and you would have made a comic gem. I would have even accepted Eddie Murphy. But sadly all they could come up with was Kenan Thompson and Fat Albert bombed magnificently. Hopefully we never see a sequel.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

The 1984 Nightmare on Elm street was one of the best original slasher films that started the whole genre. Wes Craven was at one point a great horror director and could create tension so thick you could cut through it with Freddy’s razor gloves. The 2010 bastardized “re-imagining” was too dull to be a horror film. Too boring to be an action film and not clever enough to elicit laughs or suspense. Jackie Earl Haley is no Freddy Krueger. The two elements that made the original so great were Wes Craven and Robert Englund and they failed to even mention this remake to them. A little input would have been nice from the creators of the original. Not in Hollywood, the place where Battlefield Earth was expected to be the next Star Wars. These guys don’t know shit from Shinola.

1. The Karate Kid (2010)

This movie has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. For one thing the kid (Jaden Smith) is learning Kung-Fu not Karate. He repeatedly takes his jacket off and puts it back on as part of his Kung-Fu training and who could ever buy that a tough Detroit street kid with cornrows like Jaden Smith would EVER get bullied? This film has more plot holes than swiss cheese yet it somehow made a billion dollars and a trilogy is inevitable. The one positive thing about this film was at least they refused to bring back Ralph Macchio.

Watch the new Trailer for Footloose here. ( Oct 14, 2011)

Top 10 Radical Moves you need to own on Blu Ray.

08/09/2011 2 comments

#10 Saving Private Ryan (1998) 

This American World War 2 masterpiece now comes with crisp DTS Surround Sound and 1.85:1 Aspect Ratio making the first 25 minutes sound better than ever. Directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks, Matt Damon and Edward Burns. The film is unfortunately missing a director’s commentary track but more than makes up for it with 10 in-depth featurettes showing the making of Saving Private Ryan.

#9 Alien Anthology (1979-1997)

Any true Alien fan knows the last two in the series were garbage but the first two were masterpieces. This Anthology is worth the price simply for Alien and Aliens directed by Ridley Scott and James Cameron. All the films look outstanding with the HD transfer, DTS surround sound and a 2.35:1 Aspect ratio makes the claustrophobia come alive on-screen. Starring Sigourney Weaver.

#8 Iron Man (2008)

Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and a 2.35:1 Aspect ratio make this instant Superhero classic a must own for any home theater library. Robert Downey Jr. stars as Tony Stark/ Iron Man directed by Jon Favreau. This disk is loaded with special features chronicling the entire production of Iron Man.

#7 The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Now if they only included the Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon Soundtrack this would be an awesome Blu Ray transfer. Unfortunately for us they didn’t but The Wizard of Oz looks crisp with an amazing HD transfer and tons of special features.

#6 Inception (2010)

The mind trip of the century directed by Christopher Nolan and starring Leonardo DiCaprio should only be purchased on Blu ray. Don’t waste your money buying the inferior DVD.

#5 The Godfather Trilogy Coppola Restoration

“I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Francis Ford Coppola supervised the High Def transfer of this crime epic and it looks outstanding. Includes all the Godfather films including the inferior Part 3 with Dolby Digital 5.1 sound and a 2.35:1 aspect ratio.

#4 Fight Club (1999)

This wickedly funny and brutal Blu Ray edition includes a host of special features including full commentary with Director David Fincher and stars Brad Pitt, Edward Norton and Helena Bonham Carter. Includes DTS Surround sound and 2.40:1 aspect ratio and amazing picture clarity.

#3 The Dark Knight (2008)

The Greatest Superhero adventure comes alive with an extended Blu Ray edition with plenty of special features, 5.1 Digital Surround sound and 2.40:1 aspect ratio with included IMAX sequences in 1.78:1. Buy this today before your balls fall off.

#2 Avatar (2009)

This mind numbing adventure on Pandora looks outstanding on Blu Ray with a 3 disc extended edition including never seen footage, in-depth documentaries and full length Directors commentary from James Cameron. DTS Surround sound Master Audio 5.1, 1.78:1 aspect ratio and Directors extended cut including 16 extra minutes and an alternate opening on Earth. Make sure you buy the 3 disc collectors edition instead of the inferior Theatrical edition.

#1 Apocalypse Now (1979)

The greatest War film ever created finally comes to Blu ray with the Full disclosure edition including the original 1979 version, Apocalypse Now Redux and the in-depth full length making of Documentary Hearts of Darkness chronicling the hellish 18 month shoot to create this masterpiece. Director Francis Ford Coppola definitive edition to his Vietnam War classic.

Coming soon to Blu Ray September 6, 2011

Scarface (1983) Al Pacino

Tony Montana will return from the dead in this ultimate Blu Ray edition of the 80’s gangster classic available 9/6/2011.


Happy 74th Birthday Dustin Hoffman! Top 10 Incredible Dustin Hoffman movies.

08/08/2011 Leave a comment

Happy 74th Birthday Dustin Hoffman! August 8, 1937

In honor of the birthday of one of the greatest film actors alive today, the Movie Monkey has compiled a list of Top 10 Incredible Dustin Hoffman movies.

#10 Meet the Fockers (2004)

Ok before you jump down my throat about this, we are well aware Meet the Fockers is far from an incredible film. However Dustin Hoffman’s kooky portrayal as Bernie Focker is the highlight of this mediocre second entry in the Meet the Parents trilogy along with his sex crazed wife Barbara Streisand as Gaylord Focker’s loving parents. This is one of his most hilarious film roles he has had in recent years. Unfortunately he couldn’t keep it up for the dreaded final chapter Little Fockers.

#9 Tootsie (1982)

Tootsie is the farcical story of Michael Dorsey, a highly talented but extremely difficult actor who can not find a job and has to resort to cross dressing as Dorothy Michaels to get a part on a soap opera. Directed by Sidney Pollack and co-starring Jessica Lange, Teri Gar, Dabney Coleman and Bill Murray.

#8 Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Kramer vs Kramer is the dramatic and raw portrayal of a custody battle between a divorced couple. Ted Kramer (Hoffman) is a workaholic who always puts his family second. Joanna Kramer (Meryl Streep) plays his neglected wife who leaves him with custody of their young son completely altering his lifestyle. A year and a half after she walks out on them, Joanna returns to claim custody of their son, something Ted refuses which culminates in a vicious court case. Exceptional film where both Hoffman and Streep won multiple awards including the Oscar.

#7 Lenny (1974)

Hoffman portrayed famed comedian Lenny Bruce during his brilliant but self-destructive years as he fought obscenity laws and his own personal demons on stage before ultimately dying of a morphine overdose in 1966.

#6 All the Presidents Men (1976)

The riveting true life story of Washington DC reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein (Robert Redford & Dustin Hoffman) who uncovered the Watergate scandal which led to the resignation of President Richard M. Nixon.

#5 Straw Dogs (1971)

One of the most controversial and violent movies ever released directed by Sam Peckinpah. Hoffman plays David Sumner, a pacifist American mathematician who moves to an isolated English farmhouse with his wife and immediately develops conflict with her ex and his friends. The film culminates with the brutal rape of his wife and David’s revenge when they try to strike again.

#4 Midnight Cowboy (1969)

Hoffman plays Enrico “Ratso” Rizzo in this highly controversial film that was originally released with an X-Rating. Rizzo is a small time street hustler who takes the naïve Joe Buck (Jon Voight) under his wing and shows him the ropes of how to hustle on the streets including selling himself as a male prostitute.


#3 The Graduate (1967)

The Graduate was Dustin Hoffman’s first major film role and brought him world-wide acclaim. Hoffman stars as Benjamin Braddock a naïve recent college graduate with no direction in life that starts an affair with an older woman (Anne Bancroft) after being seduced by her and then later falls in love with her daughter Elaine.

#2 Wag the Dog (1997)

Wag the Dog is a political satire directed by Barry Levinson which finds Stanley Motts (Hoffman) an influential Hollywood producer that gets hired to fabricate a fake war with a Washington D.C. spin doctor (Robert De Niro) after the President gets involved in a sex scandal. Wag the Dog was Hoffman’s last great film performance before starring in standard mediocre films for the next decade.

#1 Rain Man (1988)

In Hoffman’s best performance to date, he plays Raymond Babbitt an autistic savant who goes on a cross-country road trip with his scheming brother who is trying to dupe him out of a $3 million inheritance after their father dies. Even though Hoffman’s portrayal of an autistic patient was wildly inaccurate it was still one of his greatest film performances and won him several awards including the Oscar.