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Columbiana * About as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad cocaine

08/27/2011 Leave a comment

Colombiana *

Watching Zoe Saldana do her best Angelina Jolie impersonation in Colombiana was about as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad Colombian cocaine. Whatever happened to the 10 foot tall blue warrior goddess everybody fell in love with in Avatar? Zoe has lost all the charm that made billions of people pay $15 bucks to see her in 3D as Neytiri. As with most movies released this decade, if you want to watch the best scenes, simply watch the trailer below.

Why didn’t writer Luc Besson direct this film himself? That small adjustment would have improved this film ten fold. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, Besson directed two of the best action films from the 90’s with Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita and also directed the remarkably inferior The Fifth Element. Instead we get French director Olivier Megaton who we think may have been the basis for the Transformers villain. That would explain a lot.

Colombiana tries too hard to be Angelina Jolie’s Wanted that even the posters are nearly identical. I’m assuming the creators of this film basically watched Wanted numerous times and decided they were going to change the name and nationality of the heroine and bingo, we get Colombiana. 

The one thing we did enjoy while watching Colombiana was the re-teaming of Jordi Molla and Cliff Curtis who both played Colombian drug lords in Blow with Johnny Depp a decade ago. Unless TV and Movies have lied to me, Colombia is nothing more than drug lords and assassins. I won’t be taking a summer vacation there any time soon.

As far as plot goes, Saldana plays Cataleya Restrepo a Colombian who grows up to be a ruthless vigilante assassin after watching her parents execution in Bogota as a child and grows up planning revenge against the mobsters responsible.

Sounds like a South American Batman with breasts doesn’t it?

Re-watch Wanted instead. You’ll have a much better time. Or better yet watch Batman Begins again.

Zoe you could have done so much better. I’m burning my copy of Avatar as I write this.

Columbiana *  (2011)

107 Minutes 

Action, Drama

Directed by Megatron 

Zoe Saldana, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Molla

One Month after another Murderer beats the system the question remains, Who is going to play Casey Anthony in the Hollywood biopic?

08/12/2011 1 comment

It has been well over a month since the controversial verdict was announced where the clearly guilty Casey Anthony beat the system and was found not guilty of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee Anthony. Now that the trial is over and vaguely remembered in the minds of the public, Hollywood executives must be twirling their thumbs trying to decide who is going to play Casey Anthony in a big screen biopic of the infamous trial to capitalize on our failed justice system and the incompetent jurors who set her free.

The bogus trial is now labeled as “O.J. The sequel” after another obviously guilty murder suspect beat the rap and since it reportedly cost the State of Florida’s taxpayers well over $4 million dollars, what’s the harm in spending another $100 Million adapting it to the big screen? Nothing is off-limits for Hollywood these days.

Now the burning question is, Who could play the part of Casey Anthony in what is surely going to be an Oscar nominated performance?

Natalie Portman

After starring in the 2000 hit Where the Heart Is about a pregnant Tennessee cracker who moves into a Wal-Mart where she gives birth to the baby after the father abandons her, Natalie could play Casey Anthony in her sleep. This could serve as an unofficial sequel where after giving birth to the baby, she discovers that Motherhood is not all it is cracked up to be and then kills the poor child, brags about it on her Facebook and goes back to her drunken party girl ways that got her into trouble in the first place before getting arrested and sent to trial. This could very well earn Natalie a second Oscar after her outstanding performance in 2010’s Black Swan.

Charlize Theron

If anyone could play the part of a white trash murdering skank from Florida, Charlize Theron the greatest actress alive today is it. Charlize would tear it up as the despicable Casey Anthony and surely top her performance as another psycho murderer when she won the Oscar for her performance as Aileen Wuornos in 2003’s Monster. Charlize would have to dig deep to get her motivation from the ghost of Aileen not to mention her long forgotten but amazing portrayal of Mary Ann Lomax from 1997’s The Devil’s Advocate. Unfortunately for us Casey Anthony hasn’t slit her own jugular with a glass shard yet like Mary Ann did. If she does Charlize will be golden and eat this part up.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson did already play the Black Widow in Iron Man 2 and Black Widow spiders are known for eating the male species after mating so I can safely assume that killing and eating her baby would not be such a big stretch for her. Scarlett has yet to play a shameless Central Florida hood rat so who knows, this could go either way for her. Her range as an actress is not spectacular but I think with the proper motivation and preparation she might be able to pull it off. If Jon Favreau directs her in the biopic then she will definitely be on point.

Megan Fox

Ok we all know Megan Fox couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box and does not deserve to be mentioned in the same class as the rest of the actresses here. However she is great to look at and reminds the Movie Monkey of an ex-girlfriend during college so she makes it on the list as a potential actress for the Casey Anthony biopic based strictly on looks. Megan Fox played an arrogant, murderous cheerleader in Jennifer’s Body so this should not be too hard for her.

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie already played a very convincing charismatic sociopath in 1999’s Girl, Interrupted and won an Oscar accordingly. However after years of humdrum action flicks and adopting adorable little kids from third world countries, I believe Angelina has gone soft and wouldn’t be able to conjure up the sleazy ferociousness required to play a part as grotesque as Casey Anthony. Maybe if Brad Pitt ever breaks up with her and she further develops her sinister side like Jennifer Aniston did, she might be able to convincingly play a psychopath again. Here’s hoping. We love Angelina Jolie and secretly wish she was our adopted mother.

And my best choice for the Actress to play Casey Anthony in a Biopic is….

Kathy Bates

Before you jump down my throat on this one and tell me I am crazy for picking Kathy Bates since Misery was clearly 20 years ago and Bates is 63 now and a bit on the heavy side, let me get my point across. If ANYONE can play a psychotic child murderer with an unhealthy obsession, it is the great Kathy Bates. The Movie Monkey STILL has nightmares about getting strapped to a bed and Annie Wilkes taking a sledgehammer to both my ankles like she was swinging a damn golf club. This woman is absolutely terrifying! Granted she has played endless sweetheart roles since then but you can still see that murderous glint in her eye and would undoubtably make Casey Anthony her bitch. Now if only Annie Wilkes could strap the real Casey Anthony to a bed and beat her unmerciful with a sledgehammer repeatedly, justice would be served.