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6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying

08/30/2011 Leave a comment

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Hollywood has officially bottomed out. They quit trying to impress us faster than the fat chick next door quit Nutri System. Movies are not released to inspire awe and wonder anymore. Movies are a marketing tool used by clueless studio heads to sell merchandise and video games to a generation of lackluster teens.

If you can’t smell the stench of failure like a piss soaked gym towel in the back seat of your car than you are in desperate need of a wake up call. The disenchanted writers at Movie Monkey Shoot have compiled a list of the 6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying for your reading pleasure. Hopefully this list inspires you to stop dropping a quarter of your paycheck every weekend supporting these swill merchants and use that money for something more productive. Like spending a coke fueled weekend in Vegas partying with 3 strippers and your best friends in the suite at the Bellagio. I’m just saying.

6. The unwelcome revival of the dark ages.

If you haven’t already read our list of the Top 20 Terrible remakes and sequels from the 80’s, read it here. For some inane reason, Hollywood has decided that the decade which brought us such disasters as Crack labs, Howard the Duck, Madonna and neon parachute pants is ripe for the picking. With such recent cinematic travesties as Conan the Barbarian, Nightmare on Elm Street and the upcoming Footloose reboot, Hollywood has proven that although generation X does not want to relive the dark ages, they are nevertheless going to cram it down our throats until we can taste nothing more than Alf’s taint.

Get 20% off $25 in movie tickets when you use your Visa Signature card.

Coming soon to a theater near you

5. Ashton Kutcher still has a job.

Now the hilariously ironic thing about Ashton is that besides being the worst modern-day movie actor of our generation, he is also currently dragging his sack across the face of failed 80’s Brat Pack member #4 Demi Moore while watching St. Elmo’s Fire on constant repeat. This guy isn’t just a bad actor. He takes bad acting to an existential art form. The fact that he still gets a paycheck and cast in sub par rom-com’s proves that Hollywood doesn’t care the slightest bit to entertain us anymore. They figure that since Ashton can still hide his receding hairline beneath a mop of hair and is in somewhat semblance of good physical shape, millions of prepubescent girls will pay $12 bucks to see him fumble through his lines in the latest rom-com with Natalie Portman or Katherine Heigl. The perfect metaphor to Ashton’s movie career is that he is now performing sloppy seconds to a role made famous by Charlie Sheen on TV’s Two and a Half Men with Duckie as his sidekick.

I hate sloppy seconds


4. Movies are now created by focus groups not screenwriters.

Now raise your hand if you think a Punky Brewster reboot is a good idea

Once upon a time there were actual screenwriters with storytelling talent that would spend countless hours punching away at a keyboard creating the next great American screenplay hoping that some Producer in Hollywood would finance their dream project. How else can you explain Pulp Fiction? Those days are long gone. In the 21st century film industry, films are decided first by a group of producers sitting in a hot tub smoking a blunt laced with cocaine. Then by a random focus group chosen from the outcasts of Maynardville, Tennessee whose only experience with the film industry is re-watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to decide what intellectual media property from our past should be turned into a feature film.

This guy is helping Hollywood decide what movies we will soon see

3. Shaky Cam Handheld Shots.

One of the greatest inventions the French ever gave to us besides the blow job is the film technique called “Cinéma vérité” where a natural, documentary style of filmmaking makes you think you are part of the action. Now in the 21st century that technique has been replaced with some dude with a violent twitch holding a camcorder shaking it incessantly to create the illusion of good filmmaking. To try to confuse the audience into thinking they are watching a thrilling movie, the producers have decided that panning shots, tracking shots and graceful camera movements are only for those artsy European filmmakers. American audiences want their information much quicker and with constant explosions to keep your mind constantly titillated so you ignore the fact that what you are watching is utter nonsense.

Read: This movie sucks so bad it'll make you vomit


2. Classic Board Game Movie Adaptations

Do you remember playing the board game Battleship when the gigantic water aliens would pop out of the plastic board after you sank the Submarine with an A5? Neither do we but apparently the focus group that came up with a Battleship Movie felt it was imperative to the story to include these for the purpose of clever storytelling. Hopefully for us the Monopoly Movie is just a joke and this film ends the board game movie trend.

1. 3D

Regardless of what James Cameron and the journalistic wunderkind at Entertainment Weekly will lead you to believe, 3D technology is not the cutting edge of 21st century cinema. 3D movies have been around since the 50’s and they sucked just as bad back then as they do now. The only reason why we have had such a recent upsurge in the amount of 3D garbage released into theaters the last 3 years is because some intern at the studio had the brilliant idea that releasing EVERY movie (regardless if it needs it or not) in 3D instead of the normal 2D would decrease the amount of movie piracy and further increase the opening weekend box office numbers for the movie. Now this mode of action has had a negative two-pronged effect. Firstly, not everyone enjoys being constantly bombarded by 3D images along with paying extra money to see them, further increasing the migraine you leave the theater with. Therefore theater attendance has been significantly decreasing since the beginning of the new 3D craze. Secondly, more people would rather buy an HD flat screen and surround sound system with an $8 subscription to Netflix and watch movies at home than have to go see another dumb ass movie that had a post production 3D transfer further decreasing theater attendance.

Take THAT movie pirates!

If Hollywood doesn’t do something about the above problems, Movie theaters will soon be as empty as a 24 Hour Fitness in Corpus Christi, Texas.

Our Idiot Brother *** Welcome back to comedy Paul Rudd

08/28/2011 Leave a comment

Our Idiot Brother is Paul Rudd’s glorious return to comedy after his last failed attempts with Dinner For Schmucks and How Do You Know not to mention his ridiculous cameo in Year One. Paul Rudd is great as the loveable stoner Ned who foolishly sells a bag of marijuana to an uniformed cop and lands himself in prison. Upon his release from serving as most cooperative inmate, his former life has been destroyed by his ex-girlfriend and he has nowhere else to go but impose on his three sisters with amusing results.

Now understand when I tell you that Our Idiot Brother is not a hilariously raunchy movie filled with dirty limericks and does not contain endless one liners as some of his previous films. What it does have is a lead character that is all heart with good intentions and you can’t help but love this guy even though he has an IQ comparable to Homer Simpson. Everybody knows someone like Ned and can relate to this guy.

The crew at Movie Monkey Shoot actually had a former roommate that was a spitting image of Ned and we couldn’t help but point out the similarities. Even though he has the intelligence of a mentally challenged platypus, he still has a good heart and won’t screw you over regardless if he has the money to pay for rent or not. You got to love this guy. Go see this movie today.

Our Idiot Brother *** (2011)

90 Minutes

Comedy

Directed by Jesse Peretz

Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, Adam Scott, Rashida Jones

Fright Night (2011) *** THIS is how you make a good vampire flick!

08/21/2011 Leave a comment

Fright Night (2011) ***

Fright Night is a perfect example of how to properly make a Vampire film now in the age where emo, listless vampires from Twilight are the norm. I will make a bold statement and say this remake is actually better than the 1985 original with Roddy McDowall.

Both films have the same premise with one of the main differences is that this remake is set in Las Vegas simply for a clever vampire plot device. This film just like the original has a perfect balance between horror and self-aware comedy.

Colin Farrell stars as next door neighbor Jerry who is accurately suspected of being a vampire while Anton Yelchin plays his suspecting neighbor high school student Charley Brewster.

With the slew of substandard 80’s remakes released this year, Fright Night is actually among the cream of the crop. A lot of fun and does not take itself to seriously.

Fright Night *** (2011)

106 Minutes

Horror, Comedy

Directed by Craig Gillespie

Colin Farrell, Anton Yelchin, David Tennant, Toni Collette, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Imogen Poots

Exclusive New trailer to Gerard Butler’s new movie, Machine Gun Preacher. This IS SUDAN!!

08/20/2011 Leave a comment

Machine Gun Preacher Opens September 23, 2011

Machine Gun Preacher is based on the true story of Sam Childers, a former drug dealing biker who become a reborn Christian and becomes a crusader for hundreds of Sudanese kids who were forced to become soldiers.

Directed by Marc Forster

Starring Gerard Butler, Michelle Monaghan and Michael Shannon

Machine Gun Preacher will open September 23, 2011.

Coriolanus (Dec 2,2011) Exclusive New trailer to Ralph Fiennes directorial debut

08/17/2011 Leave a comment

A Banished hero of Rome Caius Martius Coriolanus (Fiennes) allies with a sworn enemy (Butler) to take his revenge on the city. Based on the classic tragedy by William Shakespeare.

Coriolanus (Dec 2, 2011)

Drama, History, Thriller

Directed by Ralph Fiennes

Ralph Fiennes, Gerard Butler, Brian Cox, Vanessa Redgrave, Jessica Chastain

One Month after another Murderer beats the system the question remains, Who is going to play Casey Anthony in the Hollywood biopic?

08/12/2011 1 comment

It has been well over a month since the controversial verdict was announced where the clearly guilty Casey Anthony beat the system and was found not guilty of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee Anthony. Now that the trial is over and vaguely remembered in the minds of the public, Hollywood executives must be twirling their thumbs trying to decide who is going to play Casey Anthony in a big screen biopic of the infamous trial to capitalize on our failed justice system and the incompetent jurors who set her free.

The bogus trial is now labeled as “O.J. The sequel” after another obviously guilty murder suspect beat the rap and since it reportedly cost the State of Florida’s taxpayers well over $4 million dollars, what’s the harm in spending another $100 Million adapting it to the big screen? Nothing is off-limits for Hollywood these days.

Now the burning question is, Who could play the part of Casey Anthony in what is surely going to be an Oscar nominated performance?

Natalie Portman

After starring in the 2000 hit Where the Heart Is about a pregnant Tennessee cracker who moves into a Wal-Mart where she gives birth to the baby after the father abandons her, Natalie could play Casey Anthony in her sleep. This could serve as an unofficial sequel where after giving birth to the baby, she discovers that Motherhood is not all it is cracked up to be and then kills the poor child, brags about it on her Facebook and goes back to her drunken party girl ways that got her into trouble in the first place before getting arrested and sent to trial. This could very well earn Natalie a second Oscar after her outstanding performance in 2010’s Black Swan.

Charlize Theron

If anyone could play the part of a white trash murdering skank from Florida, Charlize Theron the greatest actress alive today is it. Charlize would tear it up as the despicable Casey Anthony and surely top her performance as another psycho murderer when she won the Oscar for her performance as Aileen Wuornos in 2003’s Monster. Charlize would have to dig deep to get her motivation from the ghost of Aileen not to mention her long forgotten but amazing portrayal of Mary Ann Lomax from 1997’s The Devil’s Advocate. Unfortunately for us Casey Anthony hasn’t slit her own jugular with a glass shard yet like Mary Ann did. If she does Charlize will be golden and eat this part up.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson did already play the Black Widow in Iron Man 2 and Black Widow spiders are known for eating the male species after mating so I can safely assume that killing and eating her baby would not be such a big stretch for her. Scarlett has yet to play a shameless Central Florida hood rat so who knows, this could go either way for her. Her range as an actress is not spectacular but I think with the proper motivation and preparation she might be able to pull it off. If Jon Favreau directs her in the biopic then she will definitely be on point.

Megan Fox

Ok we all know Megan Fox couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box and does not deserve to be mentioned in the same class as the rest of the actresses here. However she is great to look at and reminds the Movie Monkey of an ex-girlfriend during college so she makes it on the list as a potential actress for the Casey Anthony biopic based strictly on looks. Megan Fox played an arrogant, murderous cheerleader in Jennifer’s Body so this should not be too hard for her.

Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie already played a very convincing charismatic sociopath in 1999’s Girl, Interrupted and won an Oscar accordingly. However after years of humdrum action flicks and adopting adorable little kids from third world countries, I believe Angelina has gone soft and wouldn’t be able to conjure up the sleazy ferociousness required to play a part as grotesque as Casey Anthony. Maybe if Brad Pitt ever breaks up with her and she further develops her sinister side like Jennifer Aniston did, she might be able to convincingly play a psychopath again. Here’s hoping. We love Angelina Jolie and secretly wish she was our adopted mother.

And my best choice for the Actress to play Casey Anthony in a Biopic is….

Kathy Bates

Before you jump down my throat on this one and tell me I am crazy for picking Kathy Bates since Misery was clearly 20 years ago and Bates is 63 now and a bit on the heavy side, let me get my point across. If ANYONE can play a psychotic child murderer with an unhealthy obsession, it is the great Kathy Bates. The Movie Monkey STILL has nightmares about getting strapped to a bed and Annie Wilkes taking a sledgehammer to both my ankles like she was swinging a damn golf club. This woman is absolutely terrifying! Granted she has played endless sweetheart roles since then but you can still see that murderous glint in her eye and would undoubtably make Casey Anthony her bitch. Now if only Annie Wilkes could strap the real Casey Anthony to a bed and beat her unmerciful with a sledgehammer repeatedly, justice would be served.

A third Bridget Jones movie given the green light for 2012 and the Top 3 Reasons why Renee Zellwegger sucks.

08/12/2011 Leave a comment

The Movie Monkey has recently discovered some grim news that Renée Zellweger will once again be gracing the silver screen as the lovelorn frumpy oaf that made her a star. Bridget Jones Diary will finally become a trilogy in 2012 and make every middle-aged spinsters wet dream come true.
With the announcement of this cinematic travesty, the Movie Monkey has compiled a short list of the top 3 reasons why Renée Zellweger sucks and should never be allowed to bore us into oblivion with her charming so-called “acting”.

#3 The Botoxed Anteater look died out in the 90’s.

Back in 1996 when Renée completed Jerry Maguire’s heart in his endless pursuit of an office fling, having a face as tight as a Conga drum and lips like an anteater was considered somewhat charming. Unfortunately now for Renée it’s 2011 and when your face is stretched out beyond its limit with endless series of Botox injections, your only salvation is appearing on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey instead of torturing her 6 fans with mindless drama on the big screen.

#2 She sent Tom Cruise on his perpetual sprint from his gayness.

Before Jerry Maguire when Tom Cruise was considered a legitimate Action hero, he made one fatal flaw. He decided to star in a romantic love triangle with Renée and Cuba and permanently removed all hope of his heterosexuality. After Jerry Maguire it all went downhill for Tom and he finally discovered who he really was and decided to sprint furiously in all of his later movies to try to expel those impure thoughts from his mind. If it wasn’t for Jerry Maguire reluctantly falling for the dykey Dorothy Boyd while getting charmed by Cuba Gooding Jr, we might still have a bad ass Movie Star on the big screen. Damn you Zellweger and your masculine charm.

#1 She agreed to star in this monstrosity. No further explanation necessary.

And Introducing the New candy from Renée Zellweger now available at your local 7-Eleven.