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Columbiana * About as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad cocaine

08/27/2011 Leave a comment

Colombiana *

Watching Zoe Saldana do her best Angelina Jolie impersonation in Colombiana was about as much fun as nose diving into a pile of bad Colombian cocaine. Whatever happened to the 10 foot tall blue warrior goddess everybody fell in love with in Avatar? Zoe has lost all the charm that made billions of people pay $15 bucks to see her in 3D as Neytiri. As with most movies released this decade, if you want to watch the best scenes, simply watch the trailer below.

Why didn’t writer Luc Besson direct this film himself? That small adjustment would have improved this film ten fold. If the name doesn’t ring a bell, Besson directed two of the best action films from the 90’s with Leon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita and also directed the remarkably inferior The Fifth Element. Instead we get French director Olivier Megaton who we think may have been the basis for the Transformers villain. That would explain a lot.

Colombiana tries too hard to be Angelina Jolie’s Wanted that even the posters are nearly identical. I’m assuming the creators of this film basically watched Wanted numerous times and decided they were going to change the name and nationality of the heroine and bingo, we get Colombiana. 

The one thing we did enjoy while watching Colombiana was the re-teaming of Jordi Molla and Cliff Curtis who both played Colombian drug lords in Blow with Johnny Depp a decade ago. Unless TV and Movies have lied to me, Colombia is nothing more than drug lords and assassins. I won’t be taking a summer vacation there any time soon.

As far as plot goes, Saldana plays Cataleya Restrepo a Colombian who grows up to be a ruthless vigilante assassin after watching her parents execution in Bogota as a child and grows up planning revenge against the mobsters responsible.

Sounds like a South American Batman with breasts doesn’t it?

Re-watch Wanted instead. You’ll have a much better time. Or better yet watch Batman Begins again.

Zoe you could have done so much better. I’m burning my copy of Avatar as I write this.

Columbiana *  (2011)

107 Minutes 

Action, Drama

Directed by Megatron 

Zoe Saldana, Michael Vartan, Callum Blue, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Molla

8 of the Most Fucked Up movies you’ve never seen. (and probably shouldn’t see)

08/27/2011 2 comments

These movies were made for this Guy

It goes without saying that purchasing a video camera and shooting a movie is probably one of the easiest endeavors one can partake in these days. Anyone with a Visa card, a Best Buy nearby and a group of willing friends can become the next aspiring Scorsese. The movies on this list prove without a shadow of a doubt that ANYONE can make a movie if enough time, money and perverted creativity is exerted behind a video camera. The 8 movies on this list are not good by any means and if your fearless team here at Movie Monkey Shoot were not paid to watch movies we probably wouldn’t have sat through them to bring you this report and instead re-watch Fletch for the thousandth time. It would behoove you to read this report once, maybe twice and not seek out the opportunity to lose brain cells and become much more jaded with society by indulging in these pitiful attempts at art. You have been warned. Now bring me a bloody mary and a steak sandwich..and a steak sandwich.

8. I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

A remake of I Spit On Your Grave was released not even a year ago and fewer people went to see the remake than the original exercise in cinematic excrement. Apparently a 45 minute protracted gang rape scene followed by another 45 minutes of gruesome revenge isn’t as popular as 10 foot tall blue hippies from Pandora.

This guy is going to wish he had never gotten drunk and horny

7. Bad Lieutenant (1992)

Now ignore the 2009 neutered remake of Bad Lieutenant with Nick Cage and Eva Mendes, we’re talking about the 1992 nihilistic nightmare where Harvey Keitel does a heroin induced full frontal for 1 minute of screen time. Bad Lieutenant is the film where the coked out Keitel pulls over two under aged girls and makes them perform quasi-fellatio while he pulls his pud on the side of the road while investigating the rape of a nun. After you watch this movie you’ll feel the sudden urge to take a shower with a Brillo Pad.

Stay away from Crystal Meth or this could be you

6. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)

Slaughtered Vomit Dolls isn’t really a movie as much as it is some devilishly creative jerk off (Director Lucifer Valentine) paying a failed bulimic hooker $100 bucks to constantly vomit on video among other guys he met at the local Wal-Mart that didn’t demand such a high salary. SVD is a 70 minute satanic orgy of regurgitated nonsense.

She'll cut your head off and vomit all over you

5. Caligula (1979)

Caligula is actually very loosely based on a true story which makes it that much more disturbing. If you’ve never seen a $20 million dollar Italian porn film with sadistic violence and endless fetishes and are even the slightest bit curious what it would play out like, watch Caligula the unrated version. You will not be disappointed I assure you. Remember back in middle school when we learned about the gigantic head clipping machines they used in Ancient Rome as a form of entertainment (ya neither do I), you will learn all about it in this incompetently “faithful” recreation of pagan Rome.

Before you get slightly aroused just remember that he's seducing his sister

4. Audition

Audition has apparently found a loyal cult following among the charming people you meet at a Gwar concert or already committed to the state mental hospital. If you can watch this entire film and not poke your own eyes out with the DVD remote than I applaud your bravery. Much like every other film on this list, Audition is a prolonged snuff film with a budget. Our heroine in this film enjoys such simple pleasures as keeping a dismembered guy hostage in a burlap sack, vomiting into a dog dish to feed him and cutting people’s feet off with a wire saw. If that sort of thing tickle’s your fancy, watch this movie before you get committed to Shutter Island.

She's got serious daddy issues

 

3. Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Have you ever seen a girl vertically impaled on an 8 foot spike like a roast pig in a movie before? If you haven’t and are vaguely curious, watch Cannibal Holocaust but stay the hell away from this Monkey and the rest of the staff. We don’t want to meet you and frankly we’re quite scared of anyone that would be curious to watch this. This is the most snuffiest of the rest of the snuff films on this list, so much so that the director was arrested and almost sent to prison for murder charges until Johnnie Cochran proved his innocence. This film had not one but two strikes against it when it was released. Not only did the audience think it was a genuine snuff film, but they managed to seriously piss off PETA when they actually show various animal killings on-screen.

Rest assured, she is still alive and sitting on a bicycle seat and this is NOT a snuff film

2. Salo: The 120 Days of Sodom (1975)

If you’re confused about the above movie poster for Salo, rest assured it has NOT been photoshopped. The fascist dudes in the background are actually examining asses to find the best one to sodomize. Salo was on our list as the number one fucked up movie for years but apparently we found a film more deserving of that title so Salo has dropped to number two. In case you were wondering, Salo was based on a novel written by the Marquis de Sade who if you are not aware was a 18th century French aristocrat that wrote the novel while imprisoned for 30 years on the walls of his jail cell in his own feces no less. A perfect metaphor to the quality of this shit storm. Don’t be fooled by moronic pseudo intellectuals that tell you this is important filmmaking and a critique on society at large. Salo is a two-hour mind fuck of insane perversity’s disguised as social commentary.

Don't live in Fascist Italy, Lesson learned

The poor sap in the picture is getting his tongue cut out while getting gang raped by Italian fascists which is pretty much the feeling you get after watching this monstrosity. The apex of this movie is when one of the fascists drops a steaming load on the floor and makes one if his slaves eat it with a spoon while still fresh which is tantamount to what the director was telling his audience. Avoid this movie at all costs unless you’re contemplating suicide and need one final reason to pull the trigger.

And the award for the MOST FUCKED UP MOVIE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN…..

1. The Human Centipede (2010)

Didn’t the asshole that directed The Human Centipede watch Clerks 2? You’re NEVER supposed to go ass to mouth. Apparently he never received the memo and he made an entire movie based on this simple premise. The Human Centipede is a film based on a crazed German Doctor whose hero is none other than Nazi Doctor Joseph Mengele who decides that the experiment that will win him the Nobel prize is surgically grafting three patients ass to mouth to form, yes you guessed it, The Human Centipede as the title implies. Apparently no studio in Hollywood or in the universe for that matter thought this was a good premise and the director had to shoot it in his bedroom with three actors you’ll probably never see again. The film tanked at the box office as the only people who paid money to see it are almost certain to be red dots on the sex predator website but apparently that won’t stop Director Tom Six from creating a trilogy of ass to mouth adventures.

The Revenge of the 80’s. Top 20 terrible remakes/sequels from the dark ages.

08/25/2011 Leave a comment

With the release of not one but TWO movie remakes based on 1980’s films this past weekend (Fright Night & Conan the Barbarian) not to mention an additional 5 already in theaters, Movie Monkey Shoot has compiled a list of the top 20 terrible 80’s remakes/sequels of films that should have stayed in the dark ages. Now the ironic thing is that out of all the truly outstanding movies that came out of the 80’s i.e. Amadeus, E.T., Once Upon a Time in America etc. Hollywood chooses to remake all the dreadful garbage that came out of that decade for fear of a massive revolt by the fans.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Hollywood has not only run out of solid ideas for films but has decided to go the tomato route and play it safe by remaking failed 80’s movies, TV shows, cartoons and even board games to cash in on the nostalgia factor for generation X and to further exploit that clever marketing gimmick of familiar brand recognition. If Hollywood does not stop remaking terrible 80’s movies and shows into horrendous 21st century garbage, I swear on Alf’s grave that I will stab Zach Morris in the neck with a knife if I have to sit through another failed 80’s reboot. Just stay away from Back to the Future and everything will be fine. Damn you Hollywood! If you were a person “I would flick you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.”

As if this needed to be mentioned, all of the movies on this list receive 1 star or less.

20. The A-Team (2010)

The A-Team for those of you lucky enough to not have been alive in the 80’s, was a cartoonish TV show about a group of mercenary’s on the run from the military getting into all sorts of mindless shenanigans. The show was mediocre at best and was rightfully cancelled after 5 seasons. Now the A-Team reboot was a 2010 summer blockbuster that tried to reinvigorate the diehard fans into possibly reviving the series for a 21st century incarnation. The film tanked at the box office and was a critical failure not to mention it happened to piss off the stars of the original series as being an unfaithful adaptation. I pity the fool who tries to remake this again.

19. Arthur (2011)

Arthur was a 1980’s comedy starring Dudley Moore as the eponymous hero and an academy award-winning John Gielgud as Hobson. The 80’s version was rather charming and the main character was extremely likeable as the alcoholic playboy. Unfortunately for us the producers of the 2011 remake decided to cast the most unlikable and untalented Brit to take over the role made famous by Dudley Moore and cast Russel Brand. Nevertheless the Russel Brand shtick wore off immediately after Forgetting Sarah Marshall and the movie was a total failure.

18. Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Now unfortunately for the former Governator he was to wrapped up in his divorce scandal in 2011 to have any say whatsoever in this abomination of a remake to his 80’s classic. Had he not been consumed with trying to hide his illegitimate children from Maria, he would have used his power in Hollywood to veto the decision to hire a listless Hawaiian in the role he made famous and would have at least tried to get someone who took a few acting lessons beforehand. Not to say that Arnold is a talented thespian by any means, but he did embody the role of Conan the Barbarian and made the film fun to watch. The 2011 version plays out like a death march written by mental patients.

17. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)

The king of Movie douchebags made his triumphant return in 2011 as Gordon Gekko was finally released from prison for insider trading in the mid 80’s. Wall Street was a film that said everything it had to say in the original and a sequel was completely unnecessary. The fact that Charlie Sheen shows up in a cameo made this sequel all the more horrific. What happened Oliver Stone? At one point you were the ballsiest director in Hollywood. Why did you have to completely neuter the legend of Gordon Gekko and release this cinematic travesty. Not only that but you cast the most obnoxious actor in the lead role opposite Michael Douglas. Shia Labeouf should stick to running away from shapeshifting robots and steer clear from serious movies.

16. Friday the 13th (2009)

Remaking Friday the 13th was inevitable since we have already seen about 15 sequels all declining in quality from its predecessor. After Jason Voorhees last failed attempt at terror in space with the horrendous Jason X, the geniuses at Hollywood decided to keep Jason in the closet for a few years before rebooting the franchise for a whole new generation of salivating fans. No such luck. The 2009 Friday the 13th was an utter critical failure yet managed to make $100 million at the box office so rest assured, Jason will be back in a slew of new sequels.

15. Alvin & the Chipmunks (2008)

They ruined my childhood with this ghastly movie. Jason Lee as Dave? Enough said.

14. My Bloody Valentine (2009)

My Bloody Valentine 3D was lacking in the one crucial ingredient required of a good horror film. Suspense. This movie was just one eye gouging 3D murder after another without the least bit of concern in actually trying to scare the audience. The 1980’s original may have been Canadian cheese at its best but it still managed to scare the pants off every Canuck in the theater. 3D does not make a movie scary it only adds to the nausea.

13. Predators (2010)

This film was so bad that even director Robert Rodriguez took his name off as director and set up a fall guy with Hungarian director Nimrod Antal to take the blame for this attempt at trying to revive the Predator franchise. Rodriguez has proven time and time again that he is a smart man. Where was Alan Smithee when you needed him eh Rob Rod?

12. Miami Vice (2006)

Miami Vice the movie was a failure on so many levels. Michael Mann’s attempt to revive the 80’s TV show for a new generation was to dark, to moody and not very exciting. Apparently the behind the scenes drama between Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx (who was rumored to be extremely difficult to work with) spilled out into their performances and what we are left with is a soulless TV adaptation that could have been much better with two different actors in the lead. Please for the love of baby jesus don’t even try to make a sequel to this Mann. If any of your movies deserves a sequel it’s Heat.

11. Yogi Bear (2010)

Before you attempt to comment me back to hell, I am surely aware that Yogi Bear has been around since the 50’s. But your fearless movie blogger only started watching him in the 80’s with the Saturday morning cartoons so for argument’s sake we’ll say that Yogi Bear is an 80’s property. Now the 2010 movie remake was just failure in a bottle. Not even the 5-year-old target demographic was mildly amused by the terrible mis-casting of Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake as Yogi and Booboo and this remake subsequently ended up on various worst of 2010 lists deservedly.

10. Clash of the Titans (2010)

Where did Hollywood find Sam Worthington? Wherever it is they found him, can they please just take him back and let us forget we ever saw him. Worthington was adequate in Avatar. Adequate in the sense that the movie was so expensive with the creation of a giant race of blue people that James Cameron couldn’t afford to hire a decent actor in the main role of Jake Sully. Now the Clash of the Titans remake with Worthington in the main role as Perseus made the original actor Harry Hamlin look like Lawrence Olivier. This guy is just bad. He must have taken his acting lessons from 80’s reruns of Days of Our Lives. Even Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes seemed embarrassed to be starring in this POS and phoned in their performances. I hope the vacation house in Bermuda they bought with this paycheck was well worth it.

9. The Dukes of Hazard (2005)

The decline of societies intellect is nothing new. If you want undeniable proof that your average brain-dead TV fan is alive and well and voted for Dubya, The Dukes of Hazzard was at one point one of the most popular TV shows during the early 80’s. I don’t know if that speaks for the lack of quality of competing shows or the power of the Nielsen ratings when they drop off a ratings box at every trailer park in the South. This was the film debut of Jessica Simpson and sure enough she failed on all accounts and only made one more movie before retreating back to Top 40 Pop Music. That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done Jessica next to dumping Nick Lachey, keep up the good work and stick to music.

8. Footloose (2011)

Footloose (2011) hasn’t even been released yet but judging by the trailer this will definitely not be as popular as the 80’s version with Kevin Bacon. For one thing the storyline where dancing is banned and the hero decides to rebel is completely out dated. Dancing is not banned anywhere in the country so the plot is a moot point. Secondly, Zach Efron who is the king of High school musicals thought the script was so terrible he immediately dropped out from the lead role and was replaced by back up dancer and non actor Kenny Wormald??? This has the stench of failure written all over it. Watch the New Trailer at the end of this post and see for yourself. They think they can make a movie about the deep south without any obese rednecks missing teeth, a bunch of good-looking preppy kids that can dance and Dennis Quaid as a menacing preacher? Hollywood has completely lost their mind.

7. Transformers 1,2 & 3 (2007,2009,2011)

Now I’m not going to lie, the first Transformers movie in 2007 was highly entertaining and exciting. Shia LeBeouf was still relatively unknown so his kooky antics were still amusing. But Michael Bay decided that he wanted to have his cake and eat it to and released the horrendous sequels Revenge of the Fallen and Dark of the Moon completely tarnishing the reputation of the original film not to mention the 80’s cartoon series it was based on. The two sequels were so mindless and incoherent it was as if the Transformers were simply raping your ear drums for two and a half hours with useless dialogue and incomprehensible fight scenes. Honestly could you really tell the difference between an Autobot and Decepticon during the many tedious fight scenes? I couldn’t and I know I am not alone when I say this, I would have had much more fun throwing my 12 dollars into the toilet and repeatedly bashing my head into the bowl then have to sit through another 30 minute endless fight scene in 3D. Michael Bay we hate you!

6. The Lost Boys the Tribe & the Thirst (2008,2010)

How Corey Feldman could not tell that this direct to DVD sequel was going to further destroy his career is beyond me. The words “going straight to DVD” is like the cinematic kiss of death. Just ask Steven Seagal to attest to that as I am sure he knows that better than anyone. The original Lost Boys was a classic example of how to make a great horror/comedy vampire film and has become a cult classic among horror fans. The rumor of a sequel was floating around Hollywood for 20 years. I would have loved to see the proposed The Lost Girls that was rumored but no such luck. What the geniuses at Warner Brothers released was the red-headed step child of the late Corey Haim and a movie sequel abortion of epic proportions. When your main vampire is the half-witted brother of Kiefer Sutherland and the best line of dialogue is Corey Feldman screaming “Who ordered the Stake?”, you know you are in for a terrible ride down memory lane. Corey Haim must be rolling in his grave.

5. The Smurfs (2011)

F*** YOU Raja Gosnell! You destroyed my beloved Smurfs from my childhood with this ridiculous adaptation that was clearly written by someone who has never even seen the original cartoons and has smoked way too much meth to function properly anymore. The normally hilarious Hank Azaria couldn’t even make this funny. Was he smoking meth too? That can be the only explanation for this ghastly mistake.

4. Prom Night (2008)

The original Prom Night was a great slasher film starring the orignal scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis. The 2008 remake had the amazingly bad soap opera actress and star of John Tucker Must Die Brittany Snow in the lead role. This was doomed from the moment it got the green light. The remake is utterly devoid of anything resembling scares, terror, suspense, acting, directing, etc.

3. Fat Albert (2004)

Who told Kenan Thompson that he was funny? I know Bill Cosby didn’t. Joel Zwick was to busy counting his Benjie’s from My Big Fat Greek Wedding to care. The fact that he is on SNL proves nothing. I mean seriously, Rob Schneider was on SNL. I think the only reason he was chosen to play Fat Albert is simply because he is young, black and starred in Good Burger. Those must have been the only three deciding factors when trying to find an actor to play Fat Albert. If they seriously wanted to get some laughs they should have put Jamie Foxx in a fat suit and you would have made a comic gem. I would have even accepted Eddie Murphy. But sadly all they could come up with was Kenan Thompson and Fat Albert bombed magnificently. Hopefully we never see a sequel.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

The 1984 Nightmare on Elm street was one of the best original slasher films that started the whole genre. Wes Craven was at one point a great horror director and could create tension so thick you could cut through it with Freddy’s razor gloves. The 2010 bastardized “re-imagining” was too dull to be a horror film. Too boring to be an action film and not clever enough to elicit laughs or suspense. Jackie Earl Haley is no Freddy Krueger. The two elements that made the original so great were Wes Craven and Robert Englund and they failed to even mention this remake to them. A little input would have been nice from the creators of the original. Not in Hollywood, the place where Battlefield Earth was expected to be the next Star Wars. These guys don’t know shit from Shinola.

1. The Karate Kid (2010)

This movie has absolutely no credibility whatsoever. For one thing the kid (Jaden Smith) is learning Kung-Fu not Karate. He repeatedly takes his jacket off and puts it back on as part of his Kung-Fu training and who could ever buy that a tough Detroit street kid with cornrows like Jaden Smith would EVER get bullied? This film has more plot holes than swiss cheese yet it somehow made a billion dollars and a trilogy is inevitable. The one positive thing about this film was at least they refused to bring back Ralph Macchio.

Watch the new Trailer for Footloose here. ( Oct 14, 2011)

Conan the Barbarian 3D * 300 on stupid pills

08/20/2011 Leave a comment

Conan the Barbarian 3D *

Conan the Barbarian is surely destined to win the 2012 Razzie award for Worst Eye-Gouging Misuse of 3D along with a slew of other “awards”. This has to be the dumbest excuse for an 80’s action remake I have yet to see. Now don’t assume that I am a purist and think the 1982 version with Arnold was anything to scream about. That film was mediocre at best but still became a hit due to Schwarzenegger’s charisma. The 2011 remake with TV “star” Jason Momoa lacks any charisma, excitement or thrills. This film was basically made for the nostalgia factor of brand recognition and to further exploit the marketing ploy of charging extra for misuse of 3D.

I know you are probably already aware that this ruse to reintroduce 3D back into the movies is simply just a studio tactic to thwart illegal piracy. The studio went truly over board with this remake. The film is to dark, to moody and just plain soulless. Momoa grunts and moans his way through idiotic dialogue and an incoherent plot. This guy is better suited to be fighting in a cage somewhere than starring in movies and boring us to death. Speaking of cage fighting, MMA journeyman Bob Sapp plays the villainous role of Ukafa, the jealous leader of the Kushites. This should speak volumes to the poor quality of this film.

Rose McGowan looks absolutely hideous in the movie as her character Marique the Witch and would look right at home at a concert of former boyfriend Marilyn Manson. The one positive thing about this film is Rachel Nichols character Tamara looks rather sexy as the required love interest to Conan. Her character exists simply because if she were not present this would just be one long, nearly two-hour homoerotic bloodbath. This film is basically a remake of 300 choreographed by mental patients.

Avoid this dreck at all costs and save your money and go see Griff the Invisible instead which is far superior.


Conan the Barbarian (2011) *

112 Minutes

Action, Adventure, Fantasy

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Jason Momoa, Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, Rachel Nichols, Bob Sapp

Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies

08/16/2011 Leave a comment

I have a soft spot for Superhero films, especially Marvel Superhero films. With the exception of Batman and Superman, DC comics is basically a turd sandwich full of mediocre superheroes. Marvel comics has always been the superior franchise although some of the movies would prove otherwise. With every Spider-Man 2 and X-Men, there are the ludicrous Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Thor, Howard the Duck etc..

Here is a list of the Top 15 Most Preposterous Superhero Movies of all time.

15. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

Spider-Man 3 was an abomination of epic proportions substituting the heart of the first two films with self-indulgent emo nonsense. Peter Parker is actually EMO in this movie! The only thing they were missing was having him wear skinny jeans and cut himself in the closet while trying to overdose on Tylenol PM. Terrible movie and not even Thomas Haden Church could have saved this film.

14. Ghost Rider (2007)

Ghost Rider is actually a blessing in disguise. For all the moronic one liners and pointing out into the darkness from Nick Cage, he actually just destroyed a second tier comic book hero instead of starring as Superman and destroying an American icon like originally planned. This turkey was so bad the best villain they could find was an over the hill Peter Fonda and the heroin monkey from American Beauty. Nice try Cage. Just stay away from Superman. A sequel is on the way February 2012.

13. Green Lantern (2011)

Green Lantern has so far made many lists as one of the worst films of 2011 and the year isn’t even over yet. Ryan Reynolds took a third-rate DC superhero and turned it into a 4th rate movie franchise. Not even with Bond director Martin Campbell at the helm did this movie have a shot at glory.

12. Fantastic Four (1994)

I have to admit that none of the Fantastic Four films released starring Jessica Alba and Chris Evans are any good aside from being mildly amusing. However this unreleased 1994 Fantastic Four adaptation that was filmed with $25 bucks and a broken Camcorder produced by Roger Corman was the bottom of the barrel. This film was so bad that it actually never made it to theaters nor DVD. It is only available through bootlegs and you can watch it in its entirety here in all its awful goodness. To be quite honest if you have a few drinks before watching it, this will be one of the most hilarious films you will ever watch.

Watch the Entire 1994 Unreleased Fantastic Four bootleg version here.

11. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman (2003)

This movie was so atrocious that it forced the once great actor Sean Connery to completely renounce Hollywood, retire from acting and has been on a self-imposed exile in the Bahamas since the release of this deplorable film. Connery was so embarrassed by this movie that he has yet to make another film and will more than likely never be seen again. What a shame, aside from his views on occasionally beating your wife, Connery was a damn fine actor.

10. Thor (2011)

Who in the hell is this guy they picked to play Thor? A wax statue has more emotional range than this Abercrombie and Fitch reject. What was Natalie Portman thinking agreeing to this? Thor joins the Green Lantern as one of the worst films of 2011 and one of the worst Marvel films to come out in over a decade. This movie proves my point that Hollywood studio control over talented directors is a severe impediment to creative filmmaking. If the suits at the studio had just left Kenneth Branagh alone and let him do his Hamlet thing, this could have been up there with The Dark Knight.

9. Elektra (2005)

I don’t think Jennifer Garner ever got the memo that she was a terrible actress and it would be in her best interest to retire from the big screen and concentrate on raising Ben Affleck’s offspring as opposed to boring us to death with her incessant rambling. Elektra is the pinnacle of her career and it failed miserably. This movie was so bad they even screwed up her hair and gave her ridiculous bangs drooping over her eyes trying to hide her shame from starring in this crap fest.

8. Captain America (1990)

Now long before Chris Evans redeemed himself from the Fantastic Four films and made the far superior 2011 Captain America reboot, there was this atrocious 1990 low-budget version starring Matt Salinger. You know what CaptaiN America’s super powers are in this film? He can feign illness and car jack you at a moments notice. The main villain The Red Skull looks like a burn victim suffering from Italian dementia.

7. The Punisher (1989,2004,2008)

The Punisher character is almost as cursed as the film adaptations created about him. There has so far been 3 Punisher films and not one of them is even halfway decent. The 1989 version starred the listless Ivan Drago as the Punisher and they forgot to include his iconic skull shirt. The 2004 version starred the gay drug addict from Boogie Nights and the worst actor of our generation as the villain the ham-fisted John Travolta chewing up scenery like it was Bubblicious. The 2008 sequel was even worse than the aforementioned films. The Punisher just can’t catch a break. I can only assume that in the next Punisher film, they will cast Fez from That 70’s Show as the Punisher and keep the legacy alive.

6. Judge Dredd (1995)

“I AM the LAW!!!(severe slur)” Judge Dredd was such a terrible movie premise that the only action star willing to star was Sly the ex porn star and Rob Schneider as his unwilling sidekick. There are not enough words to describe how bad this film is.

5. Batman & Robin (1997)

Batman & Robin is like the Glee: 3D Concert Movie of the Batman franchise. Everything about this movie is terribly wrong but still absolutely fabulous. How George Clooney and Uma Thurman managed to survive this catastrophe unscathed is a miracle of modern science. However for Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elle Macpherson and Joel Schumacher, this movie completely destroyed their movie careers. This movie is so bad, in the opening minutes, we find out Batman now has nipples on his Batsuit and retractable Ice Skates from his boots just in case he ever gets forced to fight on a hockey rink. Which he actually does in the first 10 minutes.

4. Catwoman (2004)

Poor Halle Berry fell victim to the Oscar curse. The superstition states that most great actresses, after kicking ass in a movie and winning an Oscar for Best Actress, they will invariably follow that up with a terrible action or comedy movie completely wiping out all credibility of the Oscar they had previously won. It happened to Charlize Theron with Aeon Flux, Natalie Portman with Thor, Nicole Kidman with Bewitched, Hilary Swank with The Reaping and of course Halle Berry with Catwoman. This film was doomed from day one the day they signed some pretentious French director named Pitof who only goes by one name as if he was Cher to helm this crap.

3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

Christopher Reeve will always be Superman. Brandon Routh nor the upcoming Man of Steel with Henry Cavill will ever surpass the original Superman Christopher Reeve. Unfortunately for Reeve who was coerced by the failing studio to star in this ludicrous fourth installment on the pretense they would finance his pet project 1987’s Street Smart. Unfortunately for the late Chris Reeve, both movies were flops and sent Cannon Films into bankruptcy a few years after this disaster.

2. Howard the Duck (1986)

One of the great mysteries of life is how this cinematic abortion was created by a graduate of the prestigious USC Film school who worked on such classics as Star Wars and wrote the screenplay to Indiana Jones and American Graffiti. Howard the Duck is a classic example of a pompous director not respecting the source material and trying to dumb it down for the audience and having it blow up in his face. The director Willard Huyck has yet to recover from this fiasco and has not directed another movie since this 1986 bomb.

1. Daredevil (2003)

Daredevil is the greatest disappointment on this list simply because Daredevil is such a complex character and would have been an outstanding superhero film with the guidance of a talented director and star. But unfortunately we got Mark Steven Johnson and Ben Affleck. Two talentless hacks who shouldn’t even be allowed to buy a digital camera let alone be given several with millions of dollars to flush down the toilet creating this sorry excuse for a superhero film. Hopefully Affleck learns his lesson and never returns as Daredevil.

Top 10 Most Absurd Movies Loved by Douchebags.

08/16/2011 Leave a comment

Douchebags are multiplying at an alarming rate. It is now socially acceptable that being a douchebag is no longer a social taboo but a personality trait to be revered and look upon with high regard. The fact that two of the most popular shows on TV are now The Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of New Jersey proves that the general public can’t get enough of these fist pumping, hair gelled, fake tanned, vapid morons. Among the plethora of Douchebags, Hollywood has brilliantly played into this trend and created a series of movies aimed squarely at the Douchebags of America. If you find yourself offended and actually enjoy all of these movies, then you are without doubt a certified Douchebag. Congratulations and please do society a favor and go see your doctor immediately and get yourself permanently sterilized.

Here is a list of the Top 10 Most Absurd Movies Loved by Douchebags.

10. The Fast and the Furious series 

This series of 5 moronic car racing films (a 6th is in the works) is aimed squarely at the grade Z Douchebag still living at home with his parents well into their late 20’s who would rather spend $20,000 on a credit card hooking up a piece of shit car than spend that money on their own place to live. Here is a piece of advice Grade Z Douchebag, the ONLY type of girl who will actually let you into her pants based solely on the type of hooked up car you have will most definitely leave you with a series of genital warts and rashes that will last much longer than the car you just hooked up trying to impress her with. You’ve been warned.

9. Sex and the City

These two ridiculously pompous movies are purely for the female and homosexual douchebags among us. If you spent $12 watching a movie about a bunch of middle-aged, vacuous whores well past their prime in an attempt to live vicariously through their shallow lives, you my friend are a raging female douchebag aka douchebaguette.

 

8. Vampires Suck, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie, Date Movie

There are two “Directors” named Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer currently working in Hollywood whose job is simply to steal popular movie concepts, cast sub par actors and grossly imitate these popular movies without the slightest bit of irony or humor infused into the screenplay. These two Directors are the epitome of the Anti-Christ walking among us. The fact that douchebags across the country line up like cows at the slaughterhouse and consistently pay money to see these movies is truly one of the signs of an upcoming global apocalypse. These two morons are NOT FUNNY! Douchebags please, wash the hair gel off your scalp immediately which is obviously contaminating your brain into thinking these movies are entertainment.

7. Animal House

Animal House is the movie that single-handedly increased the US College drop out rate well over 60%. Who are these 60% drop-outs you may ask? Idiotic douchebags that constantly watch Animal House and idolize John Belushi and his kooky, super senior douchebag antics. Wake up Douchebags! Bluto Blutarsky is not someone to be idolized. He’s that 36 year old guy you saw in your English 101 class that everyone made fun of behind his back.

6. Any Michael Bay movie

Michael Bay how we hate you and your shiny metallic 360° panning shot nonsense. Douchebags across the world line up in record numbers to witness Michael Bay’s latest cinematic abortion every year. If your idea of entertainment is loud, obnoxiously stereotypical robots dry humping each other into oblivion, I can say with all honesty you are a grade F douchebag.

5. Saw

Here is a series of “horror” films that are routinely played for mental patients suffering from schizophrenia in maximum security mental wards. Not only do these films lack any scares or suspense, (a prerequisite for a  good horror film) but they replace these two plot devices with convoluted torture traps aimed squarely at the sadistic douchebag who will surely become a red dot on the sexual predators website if they are not on the list already. Not only are these films ridiculously stupid, they made the last one in 3D to make the torture porn jump out at you to simulate the experience of when the douchbag watching them will strap his ex-girlfriend to a chair and methodically torture her.

4. The Passion of the Christ

The Passion of the Christ is a film enjoyed along the same lines as the sadistic Saw obsessed douchebags that enjoy paying money to see people getting tortured. This film was a massive hit further reinforcing the fact that Douchebags are multiplying at an alarming rate. If anyone thinks paying any amount of money to see a film where a raging anti-Semite director subjects you to 2 hours of Jesus Christ getting tortured and thinks this is a valid form of entertainment, You are an impetuous, sadistic grade B Douchebag.

3. Borat

Borat came out in 2006 and was inexplicably a massive hit. It is now 5 years later and there are STILL douchebags incessantly quoting this insufferable film across every dive bar in the nation with such lines as “Very Nice” and “Lets make sexy time.” Borat was a film starring the supreme douchebag of our generation made squarely for the millions of brain-dead douchebag fans that think incest, child pornography, two naked guys wrestling and an attempt to stuff a hot celebrity into a sack for the purpose of marriage are hilarious. If you enjoyed this film and contributed money to Sacha Baron Cohen, please have your balls clipped off so you can not contaminate the rest of the populace.

 

2. Boiler Room

Boiler Room was clearly written and directed by a class 5 douchebag and loved by greedy shameless douchebags from all walks of life. How can you tell? The moral of the story is that after conning and hustling your way to a million dollars by running pump and dump scams to unsuspecting investors, you can ultimately redeem yourself by becoming an FBI informant and ratting out all of your former friends. Not only is this film loved by douchebags worldwide, the douchebags in the film idolize the king of movie douchebags, Gordon Gekko from Wall Street.

 

1. The Boondock Saints

The Boondock Saints is the supreme Douchebag movie of our time loved by millions of self-righteous Catholic Douchebags from the planet of Douchebaggery. The moral of this incompetent rendition of a Tarantino gangster film is that all you need in life is a false vision from God to embark on a killing spree to rid the world of the evil criminals eventually becoming the very thing you swore to kill. This movie is beyond absurd and if you ever find yourself discussing movies with someone who claims their favorite film is The Boondock Saints, you are 100% guaranteed to be face to face with a grade A Douchebag. Turn around and run as fast as you can before this troglodyte infects your thought process.

Final Destination 5:(No Stars) Horror films have hit an all time low with this turkey

08/13/2011 1 comment

Final Destination 5 (no stars)

Horror films have hit an all time low with this turkey. Now I may be wrong but the comical irony with such a flaming piece of horse turd such as Final Destination 5 is that the script was clearly written by 12-year-old boys, specifically for a 12-year-old audience who unfortunately can’t even get into the theater by themselves to see this since it’s Rated R.

If they would have rated this PG-13, they will undoubtably make a half a billion dollars.

Now please tell me whose idea it was to completely revamp the horror genre and suck every bit of suspense and terror from movies like this and replace it with over the top ridiculous murder scenes that aren’t the slightest bit scary but simply make you squirm incessantly hoping you don’t regurgitate the popcorn you just spent $12 dollars on?

Was it Eli Roth?

The creators of Saw 1 through Saw 25?

Rob Zombie?

Michael Bay and Platinum Dunes?

I don’t know exactly who is to blame but somebody must pay for this cinematic travesty.

No longer do we have horror films that actually try to scare the audience. We now have counterfeit “horror” films in 3D that replace scares with endless scenes of bad soap opera actresses getting tortured with increasingly gruesome set pieces for the sole purpose of titillating pre-pubescent teenage boys designed by people who should be committed to the state mental institution.

Final Destination 5 was by far the worst horror film I have seen in some time and if this type of movie excites you and you leave the theater with a smile on your face or a burning desire to run to the internet and tell all of your cyber friends how awesome it was, please for humanity’s sake, DO NOT PROCREATE!

The worst actress in the history of terrible actresses getting her last eye exam. Hopefully for us she sticks to soap operas and we never have to see her on the big screen again.

Final Destination 5 3D (No stars) (2011)

92 Minutes

Horror

Directed by Steven Quale

Starring Tony Todd and a bunch of bad actors you hope you never see again.