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Hollywood has officially bottomed out. They quit trying to impress us faster than the fat chick next door quit Nutri System. Movies are not released to inspire awe and wonder anymore. Movies are a marketing tool used by clueless studio heads to sell merchandise and video games to a generation of lackluster teens.
If you can’t smell the stench of failure like a piss soaked gym towel in the back seat of your car than you are in desperate need of a wake up call. The disenchanted writers at Movie Monkey Shoot have compiled a list of the 6 Revealing reasons proving Hollywood has stopped trying for your reading pleasure. Hopefully this list inspires you to stop dropping a quarter of your paycheck every weekend supporting these swill merchants and use that money for something more productive. Like spending a coke fueled weekend in Vegas partying with 3 strippers and your best friends in the suite at the Bellagio. I’m just saying.
6. The unwelcome revival of the dark ages.
If you haven’t already read our list of the Top 20 Terrible remakes and sequels from the 80’s, read it here. For some inane reason, Hollywood has decided that the decade which brought us such disasters as Crack labs, Howard the Duck, Madonna and neon parachute pants is ripe for the picking. With such recent cinematic travesties as Conan the Barbarian, Nightmare on Elm Street and the upcoming Footloose reboot, Hollywood has proven that although generation X does not want to relive the dark ages, they are nevertheless going to cram it down our throats until we can taste nothing more than Alf’s taint.
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5. Ashton Kutcher still has a job.
Now the hilariously ironic thing about Ashton is that besides being the worst modern-day movie actor of our generation, he is also currently dragging his sack across the face of failed 80’s Brat Pack member #4 Demi Moore while watching St. Elmo’s Fire on constant repeat. This guy isn’t just a bad actor. He takes bad acting to an existential art form. The fact that he still gets a paycheck and cast in sub par rom-com’s proves that Hollywood doesn’t care the slightest bit to entertain us anymore. They figure that since Ashton can still hide his receding hairline beneath a mop of hair and is in somewhat semblance of good physical shape, millions of prepubescent girls will pay $12 bucks to see him fumble through his lines in the latest rom-com with Natalie Portman or Katherine Heigl. The perfect metaphor to Ashton’s movie career is that he is now performing sloppy seconds to a role made famous by Charlie Sheen on TV’s Two and a Half Men with Duckie as his sidekick.
Once upon a time there were actual screenwriters with storytelling talent that would spend countless hours punching away at a keyboard creating the next great American screenplay hoping that some Producer in Hollywood would finance their dream project. How else can you explain Pulp Fiction? Those days are long gone. In the 21st century film industry, films are decided first by a group of producers sitting in a hot tub smoking a blunt laced with cocaine. Then by a random focus group chosen from the outcasts of Maynardville, Tennessee whose only experience with the film industry is re-watching Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector to decide what intellectual media property from our past should be turned into a feature film.
3. Shaky Cam Handheld Shots.
One of the greatest inventions the French ever gave to us besides the blow job is the film technique called “Cinéma vérité” where a natural, documentary style of filmmaking makes you think you are part of the action. Now in the 21st century that technique has been replaced with some dude with a violent twitch holding a camcorder shaking it incessantly to create the illusion of good filmmaking. To try to confuse the audience into thinking they are watching a thrilling movie, the producers have decided that panning shots, tracking shots and graceful camera movements are only for those artsy European filmmakers. American audiences want their information much quicker and with constant explosions to keep your mind constantly titillated so you ignore the fact that what you are watching is utter nonsense.
2. Classic Board Game Movie Adaptations
Do you remember playing the board game Battleship when the gigantic water aliens would pop out of the plastic board after you sank the Submarine with an A5? Neither do we but apparently the focus group that came up with a Battleship Movie felt it was imperative to the story to include these for the purpose of clever storytelling. Hopefully for us the Monopoly Movie is just a joke and this film ends the board game movie trend.
Regardless of what James Cameron and the journalistic wunderkind at Entertainment Weekly will lead you to believe, 3D technology is not the cutting edge of 21st century cinema. 3D movies have been around since the 50’s and they sucked just as bad back then as they do now. The only reason why we have had such a recent upsurge in the amount of 3D garbage released into theaters the last 3 years is because some intern at the studio had the brilliant idea that releasing EVERY movie (regardless if it needs it or not) in 3D instead of the normal 2D would decrease the amount of movie piracy and further increase the opening weekend box office numbers for the movie. Now this mode of action has had a negative two-pronged effect. Firstly, not everyone enjoys being constantly bombarded by 3D images along with paying extra money to see them, further increasing the migraine you leave the theater with. Therefore theater attendance has been significantly decreasing since the beginning of the new 3D craze. Secondly, more people would rather buy an HD flat screen and surround sound system with an $8 subscription to Netflix and watch movies at home than have to go see another dumb ass movie that had a post production 3D transfer further decreasing theater attendance.
If Hollywood doesn’t do something about the above problems, Movie theaters will soon be as empty as a 24 Hour Fitness in Corpus Christi, Texas.
Happy 31st B-Day Macaulay Culkin! In honor of the birthday of our favorite fallen child star here are a few great Macaulay Culkin videos for your viewing pleasure. Regardless of your opinion on Mac’s sordid life, anybody that can consistently bone Mila Kunis for 8 years is a rock star in our book. Cheers Mac! We’re still waiting for Home Alone Rises.
Machine Gun Preacher Opens September 23, 2011
Machine Gun Preacher is based on the true story of Sam Childers, a former drug dealing biker who become a reborn Christian and becomes a crusader for hundreds of Sudanese kids who were forced to become soldiers.
Directed by Marc Forster
Starring Gerard Butler, Michelle Monaghan and Michael Shannon
Machine Gun Preacher will open September 23, 2011.
Ballsiest move of the year! Gerard Depardieu pisses on airplane cabin after being told he couldn’t use the lavatory. Well played Monsieur.
And the Award for the Ballsiest move of the year!
Legendary French Actor Gerard Depardieu, 62, lost his mind on a European flight Tuesday night when he refused to wait for the restroom and urinated in the aisle of the Airplane in front of his terrified fellow passengers. “The Golden Globe winner (1990 Green Card),was on a CityJet flight from Paris to Dublin that was delayed on the runway when he asked to use the bathroom. After being told he had to wait until takeoff, he reportedly relieved himself in the aisle.”
Well played Monsieur.
Coriolanus (Dec 2, 2011)
Drama, History, Thriller
Directed by Ralph Fiennes
Ralph Fiennes, Gerard Butler, Brian Cox, Vanessa Redgrave, Jessica Chastain
One Month after another Murderer beats the system the question remains, Who is going to play Casey Anthony in the Hollywood biopic?
It has been well over a month since the controversial verdict was announced where the clearly guilty Casey Anthony beat the system and was found not guilty of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee Anthony. Now that the trial is over and vaguely remembered in the minds of the public, Hollywood executives must be twirling their thumbs trying to decide who is going to play Casey Anthony in a big screen biopic of the infamous trial to capitalize on our failed justice system and the incompetent jurors who set her free.
The bogus trial is now labeled as “O.J. The sequel” after another obviously guilty murder suspect beat the rap and since it reportedly cost the State of Florida’s taxpayers well over $4 million dollars, what’s the harm in spending another $100 Million adapting it to the big screen? Nothing is off-limits for Hollywood these days.
Now the burning question is, Who could play the part of Casey Anthony in what is surely going to be an Oscar nominated performance?
After starring in the 2000 hit Where the Heart Is about a pregnant Tennessee cracker who moves into a Wal-Mart where she gives birth to the baby after the father abandons her, Natalie could play Casey Anthony in her sleep. This could serve as an unofficial sequel where after giving birth to the baby, she discovers that Motherhood is not all it is cracked up to be and then kills the poor child, brags about it on her Facebook and goes back to her drunken party girl ways that got her into trouble in the first place before getting arrested and sent to trial. This could very well earn Natalie a second Oscar after her outstanding performance in 2010’s Black Swan.
If anyone could play the part of a white trash murdering skank from Florida, Charlize Theron the greatest actress alive today is it. Charlize would tear it up as the despicable Casey Anthony and surely top her performance as another psycho murderer when she won the Oscar for her performance as Aileen Wuornos in 2003’s Monster. Charlize would have to dig deep to get her motivation from the ghost of Aileen not to mention her long forgotten but amazing portrayal of Mary Ann Lomax from 1997’s The Devil’s Advocate. Unfortunately for us Casey Anthony hasn’t slit her own jugular with a glass shard yet like Mary Ann did. If she does Charlize will be golden and eat this part up.
Scarlett Johansson did already play the Black Widow in Iron Man 2 and Black Widow spiders are known for eating the male species after mating so I can safely assume that killing and eating her baby would not be such a big stretch for her. Scarlett has yet to play a shameless Central Florida hood rat so who knows, this could go either way for her. Her range as an actress is not spectacular but I think with the proper motivation and preparation she might be able to pull it off. If Jon Favreau directs her in the biopic then she will definitely be on point.
Ok we all know Megan Fox couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box and does not deserve to be mentioned in the same class as the rest of the actresses here. However she is great to look at and reminds the Movie Monkey of an ex-girlfriend during college so she makes it on the list as a potential actress for the Casey Anthony biopic based strictly on looks. Megan Fox played an arrogant, murderous cheerleader in Jennifer’s Body so this should not be too hard for her.
Angelina Jolie already played a very convincing charismatic sociopath in 1999’s Girl, Interrupted and won an Oscar accordingly. However after years of humdrum action flicks and adopting adorable little kids from third world countries, I believe Angelina has gone soft and wouldn’t be able to conjure up the sleazy ferociousness required to play a part as grotesque as Casey Anthony. Maybe if Brad Pitt ever breaks up with her and she further develops her sinister side like Jennifer Aniston did, she might be able to convincingly play a psychopath again. Here’s hoping. We love Angelina Jolie and secretly wish she was our adopted mother.
And my best choice for the Actress to play Casey Anthony in a Biopic is….
Before you jump down my throat on this one and tell me I am crazy for picking Kathy Bates since Misery was clearly 20 years ago and Bates is 63 now and a bit on the heavy side, let me get my point across. If ANYONE can play a psychotic child murderer with an unhealthy obsession, it is the great Kathy Bates. The Movie Monkey STILL has nightmares about getting strapped to a bed and Annie Wilkes taking a sledgehammer to both my ankles like she was swinging a damn golf club. This woman is absolutely terrifying! Granted she has played endless sweetheart roles since then but you can still see that murderous glint in her eye and would undoubtably make Casey Anthony her bitch. Now if only Annie Wilkes could strap the real Casey Anthony to a bed and beat her unmerciful with a sledgehammer repeatedly, justice would be served.