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Top 5 Sexiest Jessica Biel Movies

Jessica Biel is without doubt one of the sexiest young actresses in film today. Although her films tend to range from watchable to just plain awful. Now this list is in NO WAY meant to imply that these 5 films are in any way, shape or form good. In all honesty they pretty much suck and the gorgeous Jessica Biel was the only thing that made them even remotely watchable. We still love you Jessica.

So with no further delay the Movie Monkey would like to present to you the:

TOP 5 Sexiest Jessica Biel Movies.

 

#5 I Now Pronounce you Chuck & Larry (2007)

The scene pictured above is without doubt the ONLY reason to even consider watching this pile of homophobic nonsense. Sadly the scene in question lasts for a mere few seconds. The rest of the 115 awful minutes of this comedy which find our unlikely duo Chuck & Larry (Adam Sandler & Kevin James) pretending to be a gay married couple to receive benefits from their job or something along those lines. I think that was the plot. In all honesty I wasn’t paying too much attention, the Movie Monkey was too busy re-winding and fast forwarding the DVD to just the parts with Ms. Biel.

 

#4 Blade: Trinity (2004) 

The third installment to the dreaded Marvel Comics vampire franchise was by all accounts the film that killed the Blade franchise. Our night stalking hero Wesley Snipes was barely in this film. The majority of the nearly 2 hours of screen time was devoted almost entirely to the gorgeous Jessica Biel and her wise cracking ex-boyfriend Ryan Reynolds kicking ass and taking names. Not surprisingly the film was a critical and commercial disaster completely ruining the career of the once great action hero Wesley Snipes and putting the final nail in Blade’s coffin. Not only did this film tank, Wesley Snipes sued the studio for not receiving almost $4 million of his paycheck and receiving all the blame for this disaster. Unfortunately, Snipes is now serving time in prison for tax evasion with the lawsuit still pending and Blade will forever be a distant memory.

#3 The A-Team (2010)

I don’t know what studio producer had the brilliant idea to resurrect the cheesy, over the top 80’s TV series and cast UFC fighter Quinton “Rampage” Jackson (a non actor) in the role made famous by Mr. T. Whoever it was this person needs to be fired immediately and replaced by 6 chimp’s with typewriters who could have done a better job writing this pile of overblown horse dung. The addition of Jessica Biel and the occasionally hilarious Bradley Cooper only made this slightly watchable. Not even the great Liam Neeson could have saved this turkey. Loud, dumb and lacking any coherent plot.

This film is hopefully the last we see of The A-Team.

#2 Family Guy (2005) Season 3 Episode 7 “Brian the Bachelor”

I know this is a TV show but I just couldn’t resist once again plugging one of my favorite prime time adult cartoons Family Guy. This episode of the irreverent comedy saw Brian Griffin playing a contestant on the reality dating show The Bachelorette and falling head over heels in love with Brooke the Bachelorette, voiced by Jessica Biel. Absolutely hilarious episode especially when the always lovable neighborhood pervert Glen Quagmire tries to drug and kidnap Brooke and drag her back to his room only to be caught on camera having to abandon his devious plan and resort to his odd shoe fetish. Classic!

For you readers that are disappointed with Jessica’s cartoon interpretation or are not fans of Family Guy, I give you two pics from 2005’s terrible Stealth.

 

 

 

#1 Sexiest Jessica Biel Movie

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

This film is just plain terrifying. Although it was a rather above average remake to the 1970’s original and the inclusion of a relatively unknown Jessica Biel was a stroke of genius. Jessica spends almost the entire running time being terrorized by the psychotic, chainsaw wielding Leatherface and his family. The director Marcus Nispel did an outstanding job of keeping his beautiful starlet looking absolutely perfect throughout the film even when she has her face shoved in the dirt by the always menacing R. Lee Ermey. Almost every single shot in this film showing Jessica Biel literally begins with a gratuitous ass shot, tracking along with her as she walks away from the camera. Well played sir.

If you can stand 98 minutes of madness and gore, I would suggest watching this if only to see Jessica Biel running around pretending to be scared with her sweat soaked shirt tied in a knot.

 

 

Honorable Mention: Elizabethtown (2005)

I must admit, I do like Cameron Crowe films and find them enjoyable. However, I absolutely hated this film simply because he decided to cast that nancy boy Orlando Bloom when you could literally throw a dart into Hollywood and find a better actor to star in your film.  Although once again Jessica Biel made the film somewhat watchable.

 

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  1. 08/03/2011 at 12:40 PM

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